Hebephile
by Obvious Ghost
Summary: It's a better word. Safer. Abstract, so he can hold it in the back of his mind without thinking too much. And it doesn't make him want to tear his skull apart with his bare hands.
1. Chapter 1

Wasabi is the first to notice something's wrong.

He's on his way back to the lab, meaning to grab a report he'd left there before heading home. There's no sound coming from the other side of the door, and he assumes the rest of the crew has already left for the day.

Carefully, he opens the door while making sure not to let it swing away too quickly. It's a habit he wishes his friends would adopt, as it's only been a week since Tadashi burst into the room excitedly and knocked over Go Go's midterm engineering project. And today, it's the decision that lets him enter the room without Fred noticing him. He's sitting forward in one of the rolling chairs, feet spread apart, elbows resting on his knees, and his hands are locked together so tightly that even in the semi-darkness, Wasabi can see that his knuckles are white. The lights are off.

He should apologize, obviously. In fact, Wasabi can see the normal sequence playing out in his mind: he coughs, and Fred looks up, kind of surprised, and Wasabi explains that he's just back to grab something he forgot, and Fred makes a joke about taking school home with him. And then nothing, because this whole interaction isn't that important, and there's no way either one of them will remember it in a few days.

None of that happens. Wasabi doesn't move, one hand still on the door, arguing with himself about how creepy it is to just stand there and watch somebody. This is stupid, after all. He should just cough, and get the whole scene started, so he can find the report and leave already.

But he doesn't do anything, because Fred looks... haunted.

Wasabi tries not to assume anything about people, even when they seem pretty simple and easy to read. Still, it's shocking to see his friend- always either finding the bright side of a situation, or shrugging his shoulders and not worrying about it at all- like this. Only one side of his face is visible, but his expression is the opposite of happy and carefree. Fred's staring forward, mouth set in a frozen frown, and he barely seems to blink as his eyes focus on nothing. In fact, he's hardly moving at all. As if he's so lost in thought, that the world around him can't get through.

 _Trapped_. The idea springs to mind, and Wasabi isn't completely sure it fits, but it's all he can think about as he looks at the dark room, and the young man hunched over in the center like the rest of the building is hovering over him, waiting to push him down.

He's really overthinking this, probably.

Shaking his head, Wasabi dismisses the unsettling thoughts and flips the light on. First, like anyone would, Fred jumps at the sudden change. Then his entire visage changes, and in an instant, one of Wasabi's best friends is scooting the wheeled chair across the floor with a giant grin on his face. "Lieutenant Lasers," he drawls, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

The worry is still there, telling him that this isn't right and Fred is trying _way_ too hard to be Fred right now, but Wasabi rolls his eyes. "This is the lab, dude. I'm not visiting your mansion or anything."

"Right." He hooks his hands behind his head. "Just testing you. You have successfully identified the place where you pretty much live. Congrats."

Wasabi has the report in his hand, and he's about to turn around. He hesitates.

 _Why are you still here? Why'd you stay so late?_

 _Is everything okay?_

...

Sighing, he starts towards the door. "I, uh, I'll see ya tomorrow, I guess."

"Sure thing." The squeaking of wheels tells him that Fred has hopped to his feet, the usual bounce back in his movements. As soon as they get past the threshold, Fred heads for the drinking fountain at the other end of the hall. Another paranoid thought crosses Wasabi's mind, that he's making sure they don't have to talk at all while they're leaving, and he pauses again. Then he turns towards the building's exit.

It's probably nothing, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been a few days since Honey Lemon has seen him at all.

In fact... has he even been at school? She knows he doesn't have to show up, since he's not a student- but it's pretty unusual for him to be away from the place for very long. The others haven't mentioned seeing him much, either. Well, except Tadashi, who said he saw him at the football game.

It took her a few seconds to realize he was joking, because pretty much everyone saw Fred at the football game. Technically.

But he hasn't spent time with them in a while. At first, she was careful not to let her thoughts wander or jump to conclusions, but why _shouldn't_ she worry? He's their friend, after all, and if a little worrying is what it takes to get things back to normal, then so be it!

Besides, it's not like he's intentionally avoiding them or something.

 _-Hey, are you free to hang out this weekend? Go Go says that weird vampire movie is supposed to be absolutely terrible, so naturally Tadashi already bought tickets._

It's not like it's her job or anything to keep everybody happy all the time. That'd be silly, and probably impossible. But again, what's wrong with being slightly concerned when someone's acting so diff-

 _-cant sorry football team has an away game_

...Huh. Well, that's a completely reasonable excuse, she figures. Nothing to blow out of proportion, especially not with someone as laidback as Fred, and WHOOPS whaddaya know she already hit the 'call' button. How'd that happen?

He lets it ring for a while. Honey Lemon doesn't know why, since he's obviously near his phone if he just answered her text. When he finally picks up, his voice is shaky. "Hello?"

"Hey, Freddie!" she chirps, and even to her, it seems a little too high-pitched. "Just wanted to see how you were doing today!"

There's no answer, for a while. "...Uh, yeah." Fred still sounds like he's wavering, almost like there's a problem with one of the phones. But the more she listens, the more sure she is that it's something in the way he's talking. "I'm- I'm fine. Doing great."

She has _not_ heard him sound like this before. "You sure?" she asks, confident that she can get through to him without her earlier worry becoming too obvious. "If something's wrong, you can always talk to me, you know. Or any of our friends!"

Another pause. She rolls her eyes, because he's probably about to try that stupid 'It's nothing' game that guys do, and she'll see through it in an instant, and it's just gonna waste everyone's time. Why do guys have to pretend nothing bothers them?

"...Right. Sorry."

She frowns. "What?"

"Sorry," he repeats. "I just- I got a call from my dad. Sounds like-" He stops for a moment, and she thinks she can hear him take a deep breath. "They're gonna be gone for longer than they thought."

...Oh.

Well, now she just feels like an idiot. And bad, too- it seems like whenever one of her friends is depressed about something, she ends up feeling it as well. But she was also kind of right, in a way? Yeah. Yeah, this- this could have been a lot worse. In fact, with the way he was acting, she was starting to think it was some big, soul-crushing worry.

Instead, it's actually pretty cute that he misses his parents this much. At least he was willing to open up to her. "Oh, Freddie- that's really too bad."

"Yeah." He chuckles a little, and it sounds like he's trying to get back to his normal tone of voice. "I mean, it's happened before, so I guess I figured I'd be fine, you know?"

"Uh-huh." Honey Lemon nods, even though he can't see her. "But still, they're your parents. It's gotta be tough to..." her voice trails off, because a horrible, horrible doubt has just appeared in her mind.

Fred answers in the affirmative, and thanks her for talking to him and stuff, he really appreciates it, but she's not listening at a hundred percent. When he says he'll see her around, already starting to sound like his old self, it's all she can do to mumble an agreement and end the call.

He was crying. Or, he had just been crying. She couldn't tell right away, but she's pretty sure that's what it was.

She... hasn't ever known him to cry, she thinks. And definitely not from news that his folks would be out of town for a little while longer.

Honey Lemon stares down at her phone, keeping a rein on her thoughts as they threaten to go a little too far. That was normal. Fred was acting normally, and he really misses his parents, and she doesn't need to worry anymore.

He wouldn't lie to her.


	3. Chapter 3

Go Go sees him slip on a Monday.

"Ugh, come on!" Fred complains. "There's no way you're _all_ so busy you can't take a break for an hour!"

A familiar scene, she notes. Fred trying to get the others to skip out on studying.

As far as Mondays go, this one's pretty typical.

The lab is a little darker than usual, since they've elected to keep the windows open- for now, the late-afternoon sun is taking the place of any electric light. Fred's sitting on the sill, swinging his feet while rolling his eyes at his friends' antics, and Tadashi is returning the sarcastic look in full force. The notes Go Go was looking over are scattered over one of the room's long desks, but she hasn't gotten much done, thanks to the present company. She takes a few of the pages, slipping them into a single pile.

There's only one way this is going to end. Might as well get ready to leave.

Tadashi raises his eyebrows. "That's not the problem, and you know it."

"Oh, really?" Fred hops onto the floor with an indignant look. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

Glancing to the other end of the room, Tadashi sighs. "Wasabi?"

"An hour break wouldn't matter," the other student replies without looking up from his own work. "But if it's anything like last week, or the week before, we'll end up grabbing some food, then heading to somebody's house to try to keep studying, but it turns out we left a bunch of our stuff here, so a few of us head back, but by then it's already late and we all kinda agree we're not gonna get anything done, so we just go hang out in the park or downtown or anywhere _except_ here." He looks up from a stack of papers, fixing Fred with a frown. "And then some of us have a test the next day, and honestly, it starts to seem like you planned this whole thing from the beginning."

"Couldn't have said it better myself." Tadashi grins. "You're an evil mastermind, my friend."

"You're giving him too much credit," Go Go pipes up.

Fred shoots her a betrayed look, with a how-could-you-all-turn-against-me glint in his eyes. "Too little, more like," he says. "I care _deeply_ about education and stuff. I just think when school's over for the day, it should, like, be over. Preferably at two or so. Maybe noon."

"Amen to that." With a solemn nod, Tadashi crosses to the window.

"Haha, yeah!" Bolstered by the agreement, Fred punches his shoulder lightly. "Hamada's on board! What about the rest of you guys?"

"What? No. I just meant, yeah, it'd be nice to get out of class and not worry about studying."

"Exactly." With an over-exaggerated point towards the door with both hands, Fred gives him a look like he's talking to a child. "...So let's _do that_."

He hesitates for a moment, but finally grabs his backpack. "Why do we let you do this?"

"It's all for you, bro. This is good. Healthy." Even as Wasabi stands up, rolling his eyes, and Go Go keeps gathering the rest of her notes, Fred makes his way to the door with a swagger in his step. "Speaking of healthy, let's see if we can find a place that has chili fries _and_ sushi."

There it is. Just like that, Fred has worked his magic, and they're leaving. Go Go shakes her head, fishing her phone out of her pocket. "I'll see if Honey Lemon can meet us."

"Great!" He's practically dancing now, sliding through the doorway. A brief air-guitar solo later, he turns back to her. "Uh, where should we tell her?"

"You tell me. You're the one craving the most specific and impossible food combo in San Fransokyo," she says, amused. Tadashi and Wasabi are a ways behind, discussing a class assignment, and she moves forward to be in step with Fred as the group starts down the hall. "Good luck finding any place that'll make that happen."

"Hey, we can do it!" Fred puts a hand on his heart dramatically. "We just gotta _believe_."

It looks pretty funny, and Go Go lets herself smile halfway. "You're such a little kid," she says offhand. "I think I have some bad news for you about Santa."

He doesn't fire back. There's no clever comeback, or even a dumb one- when Go Go finally turns, Fred has a vacant look in his eyes, like something's surprised him out of nowhere. He doesn't lose a step, exactly, but he isn't quite walking the same way, and...

And-

"No way." He smiles cheekily. "I guess you just don't have the Christmas spirit, you Grinch."

...What?

When she doesn't say anything, he nudges her shoulder. " _You're a mean one_ ," he tries to sing in a deep voice, but gives up after the first line. "Eh, you know the rest."

She saw it, didn't she?

When they're piled in the car, and driving through the city, she doesn't think about it. There's music blaring, and her friends are chattering and smiling, and she can take a moment to just relax- later, though, the moment comes back. It sticks out, like a bruise on her memory, because it's not like him.

True, he'd been acting a little weird lately, and they hadn't seen him for a few days, but today had been... normal. The banter, and the bad jokes, and the way he talked to her and Tadashi like nothing was wrong- she'd missed it a little, honestly. She'd never admit it to him, of course.

Then, she saw it- the normal- fall away, just for a second.

She worries, but not for long, because there's more normal in the day than anything else. Just a Monday, really.


	4. Chapter 4

Strangely, Tadashi is the last to suspect anything.

"Aunt Cass," he calls, deliberately closing the door behind him. "I'm gonna need you to hide all the food. I know that might be tough, this being a bakery, but-"

"Don't listen to him, Miss H!" From outside comes a muffled voice. "Tadashi's keeping paying customers waiting out on the street!"

Cass Hamada makes her way to the front door, raising an eyebrow at her nephew. "I'm warning you," he says with a grin. "He'll eat us out of business."

She rolls her eyes and shoves the door open. "He's not gonna eat _everything_." Fred is practically bouncing on his feet on the sidewalk, and Cass smiles. "Just the very best, right?"

"You know it." He throws her a salute, for some reason, then scrambles inside before Tadashi can stop him. "Besides, if I tried everything on the menu, you guys would probably turn a profit."

"Probably." Tadashi follows him to the counter. "What's your poison today? And try to keep it under ten different things, 'cause we actually do have other people here sometimes."

"Ngff." Fred's already shoved one of the free donut samples in his mouth, and turns to face his friend with a haughty glare. "Maybe I jusht-" He takes a moment to swallow. "Maybe I just wanted to visit my friends. Geez, way to make assumptions about a guy's character."

"Cinnamon rolls are half off," Cass calls from the main room.

Fred pauses, keenly aware of his friend's patient expression. "...On a completely unrelated note," he finally says, "turning down Cass Hamada's cinnamon rolls would be a federal crime or something, so let's make this happen."

"You absolute dork." Tadashi shakes his head before searching his pockets for his wallet.

"Hey, you're buying one too!"

"Yeah, but when I do it, I'm helping the family business. You're just stuffing your face." He pays for the food, then searches for a place to sit in the shop.

The atmosphere of the building takes a minute to sink in- somehow so different from late evenings, when it's just the family around. About a dozen customers are sitting at tables, talking and laughing and gazing out at the street, and a few more are leaving or entering every few minutes. The steady murmur of noise reminds him of school, but more relaxed. The smells from the kitchen waft through the room, reminding everyone of rich breads and gourmet desserts, and Tadashi closes his eyes for a second.

It's a good day.

Pastry in hand, Fred jostles past him and slides onto the bench of a booth near the windows. "You should be encouraging me to buy stuff," he says. "Is your aunt disappointed that you ended up such a terrible salesman?"

"Maybe it was reverse psychology." Tadashi sits as well. "After all, you _did_ buy it."

"No thanksh to you," he mumbles around a mouthful of frosting and dough. He eats quickly- by the time he's licking the last sugary bits off his fingers, Tadashi's only about half-finished with his own roll. Fred leans back, scooting away to give an older couple more room as they walk through the café.

When he looks back up, Tadashi is staring at him. "Well?"

Fred blinks. "...What?"

He takes another bite. "You said you wanted to talk, remember? Isn't that why you came over here?"

"Uh, yeah." Fred seems a little on edge. Not like he forgot, but more like he was kind of hoping the topic wouldn't come up at all. He fidgets, glancing around at the other customers. "I just- I gotta ask you something."

Something he doesn't want people to overhear, apparently. Tadashi frowns. "...All right. We can go up to my room, if you want."

"Sure." Fred nods quickly, and they make their way across the shop. He stops to give Aunt Cass a quick hug, nearly causing her to drop the platter she's carrying, then starts up the stairs. Behind him, Fred's hurried _'Delicious, Miss H, thanks again'_ fades as Tadashi steps onto the second floor. The dark bedroom is relatively quiet, the sounds from below mostly blocked out.

"Whoa." Fred whistles as he enters. "Party Central, huh?"

Tadashi rolls his eyes. "Please. Don't blame me for this mess." Kicking a crumpled shirt across the floor, he falls onto his bed and rolls over. "We'll get around to cleaning it. You know, eventually. Probably."

"Right." He chuckles as he examines the floor. "That's a lot of candy wrappers, man."

"Coming from you, that's saying something." Tadashi sits up, clapping his hands against his knees. "So, what's up?"

Fred nudges a discarded soda bottle with his shoe. "I'm, uh..." He trails off without looking at his friend.

He allows him a few seconds, but eventually sighs. "Fred. Come on. You gotta give me something, here."

"Well-" He stops again, and Tadashi wonders if he's just going to shake his head and dodge, throwing out a joke or something, but then he looks up. "I think I'm gonna leave."

Chuckling, Tadashi rests his chin on one hand. "Rude, man. But if you really hate my company that much..."

"No." Fred takes a deep breath, and he looks more somber than Tadashi has ever seen him. "I mean, like, the city. I'm- I'm moving."

...

No, it- there's no way.

...

Why would-

...

He's blinking, trying to put his thoughts together, but he feels completely lost. This can't just come out of nowhere like this. He has to say something, anything, to give himself time to think.

But it just doesn't make sense.

"Wait, seriously?" He frowns, giving his best older-brother-disapproval look- the one Hiro absolutely detests. He tries not to let on that he's shocked. "Why?"

Clearly uncomfortable, Fred lifts his shoulders slightly, looking back at the ground. "Dunno," he mutters. "I just... I gotta get out of here, man. This place-" He stops, like he can't go on.

What? No, that's not even close to logical. Quickly, Tadashi runs through everything he knows about San Fransokyo as it applies to Fred- a gig he loves, friends who see him nearly every day (well, not so much recently)- not to mention the mansion! What doesn't he have? What's missing? What's wrong?

...Wrong.

"This place?" he repeats quietly. "What's wrong with it?" Sure, he hasn't explored every part of San Fransokyo, but he's seen enough to know it's friendly and busy, for the most part. Everything he could want in a big city, really. Of course, his friends are here. His home. All his memories- but no, because this isn't about him. He shakes his head, looking back to his friend. When Fred doesn't answer, though, he glances to the window. "Any idea where you'll go?"

Fred jams his hands in his pockets. "Kyoto Bay, probably." His voice is smaller, somehow. Tadashi nods slightly, expecting more, but he only coughs and looks away.

"You're just gonna take off?" he asks. Fred rubs at the side of his head, not looking away from the ground. "Are you sure you've thought this through?" he continues, leaning forward. "I mean, you've got the money, so that's no problem, but... it's not that easy to just pack up and make a new home somewhere, man. You know that. And what about your parents?"

He's afraid that he's pushed too far, that he's not saying quite the right thing or acting the right way. But it's important, he's _sure_ it's important, because- Fred can't leave. Not for something this unsure. Not without a real reason.

A jolt of real fear hits him as he imagines one of his best friends suddenly missing from his life.

"Fred, is-" He pauses, and tries again. "Is there something else?" And that's it. Fred looks hopelessly lost, like he has no idea where to begin. Tadashi's stomach sinks, because he knows without a doubt that he's right. He wishes he wasn't. "...What's really going on, man?"

It almost looks like he's shaking. He looks up, and Tadashi worries again, because there's no way he can avoid it now, and there's no way he can pretend it's nothing, and his mouth moves like he's about to say something-

"Hey, Tadashi." Startled, they both turn to see Hiro enter the room. Barely glancing their way, he shrugs his backpack onto the ground and flops into his rolling computer chair, letting it spin a few times as it slides across the room. Just before it stops in front of his desk, he blinks up at Fred. "Oh. Uh- hey."

It barely takes a second. As if a light is switching off, Fred's expression changes, and suddenly he's grinning with the lazy, calm look that he always has. "What's going on, dude?" It's... normal, Tadashi realizes. Perfectly normal. But after the way he acted before, it doesn't quite feel real. Like a mask.

Hiro frowns a little- not trying to be rude, Tadashi figures, but probably just because he doesn't really know Fred that well. "Not much," he mumbles, turning back to his computer.

"Hiro! Would you help with the cash register for a while?" It sounds like Cass is at the bottom of the steps. Hiro groans and slaps a hand to his forehead. "You can spare a few minutes from your busy schedule, mister. I need a break."

He shoots his brother an accusing look, but before he can say anything, Tadashi holds up a hand. "Hey, I took an hour before class, so don't even start."

"Fine." With an annoyed sigh, Hiro stands up again and slouches down the stairs.

...

For a minute, neither looks at the other. Tadashi clasps his hands together, not knowing how to bring up the previous conversation after it was interrupted, especially given how personal it was. Finally, he faces Fred again.

His friend is shaking. There's no ambiguity this time; he has his arms folded, and he looks like he's trying to control his breathing, and he's blinking quickly. When he notices Tadashi looking at him, he stops, but doesn't smile. There's no pretending it's all okay, now. Maybe there never really was.

He's about to ask again. But there's something in Fred's expression that makes him pause. A look- worry and uncertainty, fear and tension all at once. And something else.

He can't do it. He can't talk about it, and he's begging his best friend not to ask again.

Tadashi has no idea what to do. No, that's not quite it- he doesn't know the right thing to do.

He lets out his breath in an exaggerated sigh. "Well, I- I mean, we don't have to..." The words fail him again. "I'll be around. You know, if you want to talk or anything," he finishes lamely.

It sounds stupid, but Fred actually looks grateful, and even smiles. "Thanks, man."

"Sure." The awkward silence comes back. There's no way Tadashi can jump right back to casual conversation, so he glances to the steps. "Want to grab some more food?"

Fred shakes his head. "Nah, I think I'm gonna head home." He hesitates, but not for long, and soon he's halfway down the stairs. "Thanks, T."

He chuckles. "T? Don't tell me that's the new nickname."

"I got some better ones, if you want." His face pokes back up. "I was thinking, 'Mr. Roboto.' That one fits. 'M gonna see if I can get everyone else to call you that."

"That better not be the one that sticks."

"Too late!" Fred calls cheerfully, and even though he can't see him, he knows the mask- if that's what it is- is back in place.

Tadashi looks at the exit for a while. Then he turns his attention to Hiro's side of the room- the rolling chair, the posters, the laundry scattered on the bed. If he listens hard, he can hear the bell ringing on the front door as it closes.

He wonders.


	5. Chapter 5

He doesn't have insomnia.

No, Fred can fall asleep whenever he wants. He's sure of it. But some nights, it's just... strange. A feeling he can't explain, or maybe a thought. Driving him to stay up later and later, for no sensible reason.

The last couple weeks have been the worst. Wandering the dim halls and empty rooms of the mansion, staring up at extravagant paintings and looking down from ornate balconies. Thinking, mostly. Other times, doing nothing except watching the darkness and listening to the stillness. Like he's waiting for something.

But what?

He snaps out of his thoughts, shaking his head with an angry scowl. This is stupid. He's just letting his tired mind try to over-dramatize his thinking, and make things seem more depressing than they are. He should just... get some rest. Yeah. If he were to lie down, he'd probably be out in a few minutes.

That's what he should do. Just sleep.

Sleep.

But he doesn't move, doesn't stand and make his way to the bedroom. Instead, he's sitting on the top step of the grand staircase in the house's foyer, arms crossed over his legs while he stares out at the front entrance. Thin, tall windows are on either side of the doors, and if he concentrates, he can see faint lights from the streets and buildings across the lawn. A car flies past in the night, and the sound of the engine barely makes it through the thick walls- but once it does, it echoes in the empty room.

Fred listens. The rumble fades until there's nothing left.

God, this house is lonely.

Letting his head hang forward, he scoffs. Duh. Of course the _freaking mansion,_ with ceilings and stairways and chambers that would be plenty big enough for twenty people, seems like this when one loser decides to contemplate life at three in the morning.

All the same, he can't stand it. Why'd he even come out here? Why can't he just go back, and fall asleep? Or, for that matter, just get out and walk to the gas station for a cheap soda. Heck, _rob_ the gas station. Steal a car. Do something. Not just sit here, and think, and... think...

The silence is getting to him. The room is filled with a strange absence of sound, one that seems to create noises he isn't sure are real. Probably just in his head. Still, it's enough to keep him on edge.

A bug skitters on the wall somewhere, and the spell is broken. Fred lets out a breath, staring at the walls around him. It's really amazing how eyes can adjust, he figures, because even though the windows are the only things letting in any light at all, he can just barely see the details of the room- tiles, railings, picture frames, a black-and-white set straight out of an old movie, like he's breathing in a scene from a dream that's going to shatter as soon as he wakes up.

But he can't just 'wake up'. He's already awake. Besides, that seems like it would be too simple anyway.

Fred closes his eyes, and the quiet and the stillness roll over him in a way that he doesn't really understand. Only here, though. Only at night. He doesn't know if 'depression' covers it, exactly, and he's pretty sure it needs to be more serious than this to really count. But still, it hurts. Nights like this are... complicated. And he's not doing any favors by thinking about it, over and over, like he's prodding a sore even though he knows he's just making it worse. He knows this is dumb. It's stupid, and he should be able to move past it. Focus on what's really wrong. And right now, sitting out here isn't helping at all, so he should just get some sleep.

He's repeating it in his head, but it still feels empty. He doesn't make any attempt to stand up.

...He wishes his parents would come back.

The thought comes out of nowhere, but he can't ignore it. That, at least, wasn't a lie. Even though when he was talking to Honey Lemon, he knew he was deliberately misleading her, twisting the truth around so she wouldn't suspect what was actually going on.

Great. Now he's thinking about that.

He curses under his breath, pressing his hands against the sides of his head. What had he been _thinking?_ He can't tell Tadashi. _Especially_ not Tadashi. Even though they're best friends, even though he's never had any reason to hide anything, even though he's probably the most understanding and supportive person he's ever met- no. No, it's crazy to think he can just start blabbing about this to all his friends. It's too much. It's his problem, and no one else should have to worry about it.

But they probably already know. He's slipped lately- moments where the worry and the tension broke through, visible long enough that they might have noticed. Once again, especially Tadashi.

His eyes widen. What if... oh, no. No. They might have- someone might have figured it out already. His friends are some of the smartest people he knows, if not the smartest in the whole city. What would they do?

They'd hate him, of course. Everyone would, if they knew. He rubs at his eyes, taking even and measured breaths, but it doesn't help. If he keeps making mistakes like that, if he gives them any more clues- he could lose everything. He _will_ lose everything.

He's known about the p- the _problem_ for a while now, but it's gotten worse lately. It hasn't ever caused him to lose sleep before. And he's always been able to ignore it, pushing it to the side while other things take its place. Better things. Friends, the school, the city itself, his entire life filling up so he never had to worry. Now, though, it's like he can't stop thinking about it. The thoughts, yes, and the feelings too. But the dreams are the worst.

He sucks in his breath. No, he's- not now. There's nothing to gain by thinking of those again. It's a waste of time, if not worse. He has to... he has to do something. The exhaustion is still there, but now there's an energy as well, a nervous and electric sense of urgency that tugs on his skin and pokes at his brain. The trouble is deciding what to do with it.

Of course, there's always the computer.

Fred tenses up, clasping his hands together and fluttering his fingers back and forth. No, no, that's not a good idea. It never is- but sometimes, even when he knows exactly how _wrong_ the whole thing is, it doesn't seem to matter. Almost as if everything worried about right and wrong shuts down for a while, and something else takes its place.

Even now, it's there. Waiting in the back of his head, begging him to stop worrying for just a few minutes, to let go of all the fear and give in to the drive. Give it all up for brief satisfaction. Does it really matter, anyway? It's not like anyone knows what he's doing.

And it hurts. Hungers. Just for tonight, he can pretend it's all normal. Pretend nothing's wrong, and just feel... _good_.

...

No.

Fred finally stands, and he tries not to think about how badly his hands are shaking. The curved steps are too perfect to make a single sound as he descends, and by the time his foot falls on the expanse of the mansion floor, his thoughts are focused on a single memory. A song he heard the day before, with a pounding bassline.

One, two, three, four. Almost like the rhythm is thumping in his chest. He concentrates on that sound, that feeling, and it isn't long before his feet have carried him past a dozen doorways. The song grows louder in his head, and he holds onto the pulse, the angry and deep sound that drives the rest of the thoughts away- it won't last long, and it's all going to come back soon, but that's not the point. He keeps imagining the song because it's distracting.

And when he finally gets to the den, and flicks on the light that illuminates his favorite place in the whole mansion, he doesn't need the music anymore. Crossing to the bookshelf on the wall, he barely takes a second before grabbing one of the first issues he sees and bringing it over to the couch. The pages turn, and he's reading before he sits down.

The restless energy and the insidious urging both fade to quiet, because he's completely absorbed in another world. Heroes and villains explode out of the panels, creating worlds of justice and anarchy and betrayal and sacrifice, energy in a hundred different forms and colors. It's bombastic, and ridiculous, and grandiose, and it's perfect- when he gets to the end of the story, he doesn't hesitate before getting another from the shelf.

They aren't a permanent solution. Nothing is. Nothing that he's found, anyway. But they're what he needs right now.

He doesn't realize how much time has passed until the sunlight hurts his eyes.

[]

 **I'd like to clarify something- this is not a shipping story. There won't be romance. There won't be pairings.  
**

 **This ain't that kind of fic.**

 **It might be a mistake, but I'm going to try to honestly and carefully look at this situation as it would actually play out. Hopefully, people around Fred will act like they would in real life, and Fred will behave the way someone in his situation really would.**

 **In other words, this is a story about pedophilia. Now, I've gotten only positive criticism so far (and really, guys, thanks so much for that, it means a lot), but if this concept weirds you out, or if you'd rather choose something else, go with my blessing. This is pretty freaking strange, so I understand completely if the idea alone turns people off. If you think this is a horrible idea, or that I'm disrespecting this story by projecting something that's never been hinted at onto Fred's character, I won't argue. You're probably right on both counts.  
**

 **But I'm gonna keep writing this anyway. I guess you could call it therapeutic.**

 **Thanks for reading so far.**


	6. Chapter 6

_-Party's at your place, right? Also, I'm bringing the nachos, you can't stop me._

 _=yeah, ppl gettin here like 7, I think_

 _-Awesome! Hey, do you mind if my brother tags along? Aunt Cass is out of town, and he's kinda bored out of his skull._

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 _=k no problm_

[]

He's not exactly thrilled, at first. Hanging out with Tadashi's weird nerd friends doesn't sound like a great time. But a couple of reasons factor in to his decision. First, the alternative is basically doing nothing, cooped up in the café. And the suggestion from his brother to 'try to be more social' is still ringing in his ears.

Besides... it might be fun. He doesn't really want to admit it, but it _might_ be. After all, he doesn't really know what college kids act like- sure, he has a general idea from TV and stuff, but the best he can hazard a guess at is that everyone between the ages of twenty and twenty-five is either a studious and trustworthy pillar of the community, or a bar-hopping hotel-room-trashing delinquent. He's met the gang and all, but only at the lab. Only while they were working and/or distracting each other from working. So he still doesn't really know what to expect.

And when Hiro Hamada sees the mansion for the first time, any previous ideas about Tadashi's friends go out the window.

He demands to know how anyone can afford this, let alone a _student_ , and Tadashi gently reminds him that Fred isn't actually a student, but that only makes him a million times more curious. The next questions all jumble together, and his brother rolls his eyes and tells him to slow down (which Hiro never really understands, because why leave anything out when you're thinking of a lot at once?). Where'd the money come from? If he lives in such a technology-focused city, does it have something to do with current research? What if Fred's family is a veritable treasure trove of scientific information and developments and-

Tadashi rings the doorbell, and tells him that it's great he's so excited about it, but also that this is the group's night to not worry about all that stuff. It's just a party, after all.

But then a butler- an actual, honest-to-God _butler_ \- shows up to answer the door, and Hiro realizes that this is going to redefine how he thinks of the word 'party'.

Already excited from seeing the building's opulence, and thinking about the possibility that Fred is secretly tied to major tech advances, it's almost more than he can handle when Fred shows him his collection of video games. Over two hundred titles, probably; he's way too busy to bother with counting, as he's flipping through the cases and freaking out over the ones he's only heard about or read about or seen clips about on the Internet. Just to top it all off, Wasabi and Go Go head out to grab a few of San Fransokyo's best buffalo chicken pizzas, and he doesn't think this could get any better.

He's sitting on the couch, firmly entrenched in the most intense race of his life, when Tadashi yawns loudly. "Why didn't we just order them, again?"

"Can't," Fred mumbles. "They don't deliver after six." He doesn't look away from the screen. In fact, Hiro isn't sure he's even blinking.

It's kind of cool to play against someone who's just as into it as he is.

"Dumb rule," Tadashi says offhand. He's slouching sideways in a beanbag chair, twisting his head to look at the television upside-down. "Who's even winning?"

"Me."

Fred scoffs. "In your dreams, little dude. I passed that part of the beach, like, an hour ago."

"No way!" Hiro scans both sections of the screen, then tries to make sense of the map in the corner. "Wait- are you already on the second lap or something?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Well, well, well." Tadashi smirks from near the floor. "A game that my brother hasn't mastered completely after five minutes? It can't be."

"Shut up," he growls, because he's in a particularly tough spot, where if he doesn't pull off these turns _just right_ -

The car crashes violently, covering his side of the screen with an iridescent fire and emanating a grating screech. He nearly drops the controller in shock. Tadashi just laughs.

"Sorry, bud." Fred's wearing a triumphant grin. "Don't think you're coming back from that."

It slips out before Hiro even thinks it. "Challenge accepted."

The tips of his ears are turning red, because normally he'd never use such a dated Internet in-joke, but it gets a laugh out of the other two, and pretty soon the race is as close as it ever was. Tadashi starts narrating the competition in a goofy sports-announcer voice, and Hiro's really trying not to chuckle, because he knows it'll break his concentration- but when Fred's car tailspins off a cliff and explodes, and Tadashi casually remarks that it's nothing a new paint job couldn't fix, he laughs so hard he topples off the cushions completely.

He hasn't had this much fun in a while.

The race ends, eventually, and Tadashi takes over from Fred before he can even argue. They're in the middle of a desert-themed track when Fred grabs his phone.

"Hey, hold up." Fred quickly glances over the screen of the device, and Hiro pauses the game just as he looks up, slightly disappointed. "Aw, man, Honey Lemon can't make it."

Tadashi leans back on the couch. "That's too bad. Is she still at the lab?"

"Dunno. She says she's still working on-" He squints to read the message. "-some presentation for tomorrow?"

"Oh, yeah." Tadashi nods. "I'm pretty sure she mentioned it. Supposed to be this big thing about... the ratio of different gases in the atmosphere, I think. She said she might have found something no one else has noticed."

Fred tosses the phone up in the air, shaking his head. "You guys are insane. Really, you are. It's getting to the point where I'm not even surprised at stuff like this anymore."

"Hey, if you're not revolutionizing the scientific community, you're not trying hard enough."

Fred points an accusing finger at Tadashi. "See, a normal person wouldn't say that."

"Try living with him," Hiro mumbles.

There's a split second of quiet, and he panics, because normally, he wouldn't throw out jokes like that in front of someone he doesn't really know. But Tadashi clutches a hand to his chest like he's been wounded, and Fred offers reaches across his dramatically groaning form to give him a high-five. He's starting to feel more and more at ease with this guy, at least. Maybe his brother's friends are actually... pretty cool?

Huh. He'll reserve judgment on that one, for now.

"Alright, bro, you asked for it." Tadashi picks up the controller again, but sets it down just as quickly. "Er- in a minute. Fred, where's your bathroom?"

"Round the corner." He doesn't look up from his phone, tapping what's probably a response to Honey Lemon. "On your right in that first hall."

"Got it." Tadashi vaults over the back of the couch, grabbing some of the nachos off one of the den's low tables before he leaves.

Hiro sighs and scoots back on the cushions to get more comfortable while he waits. A snort from Fred makes him look over. "Although, you could probably go the wrong way and still find a bathroom. We have, like, ten. I'm pretty sure there are some I haven't even found yet."

It strikes him as pretty funny, and he laughs. Fred looks up from his phone with a smile.

Then something changes.

Hiro doesn't really get it, but he thinks it's something in the room's sound. Maybe it hasn't been silent for a while? But now, there's a few seconds of quiet, and it makes him kind of uncomfortable, for some reason. Like there's a break in the talking and laughing and joking that just shouldn't be there.

And Fred isn't moving. Well, except his eyes- they're darting back and forth, blinking, like he's trying to think of something. Hiro frowns. "You okay?"

Startled out of his thoughts, he turns to face him. "Huh?"

Hiro shrugs, bumping his shoulder on the back of the couch. "You seem... kinda out of it."

For a second, it seems like Fred's looking out over the whole den. Why, though? What's there that's surprising him? They're the only two in the room, after all. And when Fred pales, and suddenly stands up, Hiro's even more confused.

"Never better, little man." He strides to the center of the room and grabs some of the nachos, just like Tadashi did. "Just, uh- just gonna get some air for a sec."

"What?"

But he's already gone, heading up the steps to the main floor of the house. For a moment, Hiro just stares at the room's entrance.

...What the heck was that?

[]

 _=hey HL r u there  
_

 _=gotta ask u somethn_

 _-Ugh, Fred, I already told you I can't go! I'm sure the party's a lot of fun, and I really wish I could, but I'm totally swamped!_

 _=its not tht_

 _=can we hang ot tomrrw_

 _=please_

 _-Uh, sure! Is everything ok?_

 _=not rly_

 _..._

Two seconds haven't passed before his phone starts buzzing.


	7. Chapter 7

"Do you have ANY IDEA how dangerous it is to mess with the radio _while driving?"_

She's starting to get a little annoyed with her options. Classic rock? Commercial break. Country? Absolutely not.

"Go Go, you're killing me. I'm getting stressed out, and that's gonna shorten my life expectancy, so you're actually killing me right now."

Variety? That's a laugh. Technically it plays all genres, but pretty much always sticks to the same six or seven hits over and over.

"And in a much more literal sense, you're killing me because we're going to crash."

She seriously considers leaving it on talk radio for a while. Maybe cranking the volume until the protests from the passenger's seat are drowned out by hype about upcoming elections.

"Do you hear me? We'll crash, and it'll be a big explosion, and right there at the end- _right then_ \- you're gonna say to yourself, 'Gee, it's too bad that I'm dying. If only I could have done something to avoid this tragic fate.'"

Ooh, EDM. Excellent. Especially with her car's bass system. Tadashi has _begged_ her for the secret of how she gets so much sound without extra speakers.

"'BUT WAIT. There _was_ something, wasn't there? Yes, I could have listened to my good friend Wasabi, who only ever had my best interests in mind and really wasn't asking anything all that unreasonable.' That's what you'll say."

She sighs and finally addresses him. "Sorry, I wasn't listening. Can you explain the whole thing again? And please, with as much detail as possible." As soon as she hears the intake of breath that signals the beginning of a lecture, she pointedly turns to scan the backseat, as if looking for something. "Just let me grab my phone first. I gotta text Fred."

The strangled whimper of pain is absolutely heartbreaking. She relents, focusing wholly on the road. "Joking. Geez. Calm down."

"Oh." Wasabi frowns, then crosses his arms. "...I knew that."

"Uh-huh."

"I did," he insists. "Besides, there's no reason to text him. We're only about a minute away."

"We sure are."

"That's how I knew." When Go Go doesn't say anything, he coughs. "You were joking. That's... that's how I knew that."

It's almost _too_ easy to mess with him. She smirks as she pulls off onto the freeway exit, starting down the road that leads to one of the wealthier neighborhoods in the city.

"He's right down here, right?" Wasabi gestures forward, and she gives a curt nod. "Good. I've only been there a few times, so I don't always remember where the house is."

A gallant effort to change the subject. She lets it slide. "Heck of a place for a party. It's like, 'Hey, welcome, food's in the back, try not to get lost between the swimming pool and the private library.'"

"...Does he really have those?"

Go Go shrugs. "Probably."

"Huh." He turns slightly, watching the houses and streetlights pass by the window. "I'm glad he thought of it, though."

"Inviting people over?"

"Yeah." Wasabi pauses for a moment, then reaches forward to turn down the volume. The booming dance beat fades into the background as he speaks. "Actually, I was kind of surprised."

Making another turn, Go Go doesn't say anything. With a nervous sigh, Wasabi looks back at her. "Do you think he's... been acting weird lately?"

"Pretty much since the day I met him."

"You know what I mean," he says with a huff. "Weird like... weird for _him_."

...The answer to that one's a little complicated. She doesn't want to seem too quick to answer. "I'm not sure," she says after a while. "He's a weird guy."

"But you've noticed, right? It's like half the time, he's not really himself."

The car is stopped, waiting at an intersection. Go Go takes a moment to think of exactly what she wants to say. "People change, sometimes. Maybe he doesn't want to keep up the goofball routine every second of the day."

"Well..." Wasabi hesitates. "It's never been like this, though. Don't you think there's-"

She snaps at him. It's clear he's not trying to prod her, and he doesn't mean to be annoying, but she really can't stand all this talk about people and pretending and hiding. All the guessing and half-formed ideas about what _could_ be going on. It's not the first conversation she's had like this, and it probably won't be the last.

"All right, fine," she says, exasperated. "Something might be wrong. Heck, maybe everyone we know is hiding something. Happy?"

He's startled, and she quickly regrets using that tone. "Sorry," she mutters as the car pulls back into the street.

"You're fine." Wasabi turns back to the window, a little quieter than before.

He doesn't say much at all- and neither does she- until the mansion is in sight. He squints. "...What's he doing in the driveway?"

Sure enough, Fred is within view, waving to them. He's sitting on the bottom steps of the giant staircase that goes up to the doorway, and it looks like he's on the phone. Go Go shrugs while bringing the car to a stop.

"Hey, guys!" He leaps up before the engine is off, snapping his phone closed with a bright smile. "Guess what? Looks like Honey Lemon's gonna make it after all."

Wasabi swings the door open and steps out. "Really? I thought she-" He turns. "Oh, right, the pizza."

"I got it." Go Go starts up the steps, having already grabbed the three boxes. "Didn't she have some presentation to work on?"

"Yeah. Guess she finished earlier than she thought she would." On seeing the food, Fred's eyes light up, and he jogs behind her. "It's beautiful," he says in a hushed tone. "Just as the prophecy foretold- the bringers of 'za will ascend the golden mountain-"

"Fred."

"-and bring happiness and joy to all the land," he finishes with a goofy, dramatic whisper.

Go Go frowns. Great, now she's wondering if he's being normal, or stranger than usual- or if he's trying to be himself too much, covering something up. It's like every little thing can be interpreted for either side, leaving her with no idea what's going on. And... does he look paler? Tired, like he hasn't gotten enough sleep?

She shakes her head, trying to dismiss it. This is Wasabi's fault.

"The brothers H are already in there," Fred says, scooting past her to open the door. Before he can, though, it swings open on its own to reveal a man in a tailored suit.

Wasabi blinks. "...Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Hah! This guy!" Fred grins, pointing finger-guns towards the butler. "How does he _do_ it, right? Like he's psychic or something." With a bounce in his step, he slips through the doorway.

To his credit, Wasabi doesn't say anything. He just gives her a look, and she glares right back. _Not one word_.

Even though she's starting to wonder if he's right.

[]

When they finally get to the den, the first thing Go Go sees is, she suspects, a decent indicator of the rest of the night. Hiro Hamada is practically scaling his brother like a mountain. Yelling and growling at him to stop cheating, he has one hand clamped down on Tadashi's shoulder while the other reaches in vain to grab the controller away from him, and his feet scramble from floor to couch to Tadashi himself as he tries to balance himself without falling. For his part, Tadashi is laughing his head off.

Both fall silent when they see others are in the room, but for different reasons. Hiro looks as embarrassed as Go Go has ever seen him. His brother, though, only pauses for a second before whooping and disentangling from the younger boy, crossing the floor in a flash.

Needless to say, the food is a hit.

Hiro eats more than she expected him to, but Tadashi and Fred end up in a competition over who can get through the most pizza. Once they've both given up, Go Go herself is the one to take down seven whole slices. It's always fun when she can surprise the guys in the group.

She expects Wasabi and Tadashi to object when she suggests buying drinks (obviously she wouldn't be _stupid_ , and she wouldn't let Hiro try any), but surprisingly, Fred ends up shutting down the idea. He's more adamant than she thought he would be, and she's in the middle of arguing her case when Honey Lemon arrives.

Everyone's thrilled to see her- she's a little flustered, probably from rushing to finish her work before getting here- and while she finishes the last of the pizza, they try to figure out what to do with the rest of the evening. The group is split on the idea of heading outside and looking at the stars for a while ("Wasabi, you're in _Fred's mansion_ , and the first thing you wanna do is _leave?_ "), but it turns out to be pretty cool. The house is far enough from the city proper that the view is untouched by other lights, and before long, Go Go finds herself lying in the grass, staring up at a million pinpricks of white-blue light and listening to her friends trade horror stories about the school's more eccentric professors.

She's lucky, she realizes. They all are.

It's not a bad life.

Tadashi does his best to bring Hiro into the conversation once in a while, but it's not until the talk swings toward favorite movies that he seems very interested. He goes into detail about some 90's martial arts flick Go Go has never heard of, and Fred sits bolt upright because _are you serious_ , he has the director's cut and all three sequels practically memorized. Hiro beams, and along with Tadashi's vote, half the group already knows what they want to do, so she sighs and resigns herself to an night of stale popcorn and obnoxious quotes.

Half a dozen fights-to-the-death later, Wasabi has fallen asleep in the beanbag chair. Honey Lemon is laughing at Hiro's dead-on impersonation of the film's villain, complete with random pauses and exaggerated arm waving, while Tadashi and Fred debate the merits of throwing in another one and making it a proper marathon.

...Her thoughts had just run away from her. That's all. This is normal.

Go Go watches Fred for a moment, seeing him grin and scoff and dramatically raise his eyebrows- basically, all the over-the-top faces he makes all the time.

It has to be normal. Right? Wasabi just made her a little paranoid. That's all.

She's able to shake the idea away for the rest of the night. They've only gotten through about forty minutes of the sequel before Hiro starts nodding off, too, and Tadashi apologizes and says they better get back. Honey Lemon mentions something about 'goodbye music', and starts up a blazing fast rock song entirely in Spanish on her phone. Grinning, Tadashi takes a few steps forward, like he's about to start dancing with her- then, at the last minute, spins and grabs Fred instead, twirling and striding around the den with his eyes closed. Of course, Fred swoons and puts his hand over his forehead like a lovestruck Southern belle, and Hiro's muttered ' _unbelievable_ ' is barely audible over everyone else's laughter.

It's later than she thought. Wasabi and Honey Lemon must have realized the same thing, because all three of them start preparing to leave. Fred says his goodbyes in the den, deciding to stay and start cleaning up rather than walking everyone out. Despite herself, she's tempted to watch him closely again, but she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary in his expression or his actions.

The Hamada brothers have already taken off by the time Go Go clears the front door. Wasabi starts his car, waiting on her so he can follow her back into the city, and she makes her way down the steps.

"Oh!" Honey Lemon looks down, shaking her head with a smirk. "I forgot my purse! Wow." She gently raps a fist against the side of her head, then turns back to the front door. "Better go find it."

Go Go starts to follow. "I'll help you look."

"No!" She sounds a little panicked, and quickly smiles again. "I mean, that's fine, I'll get it myself, don't wanna- uh- make you late or anything-" It's certifiably babble now, and Go Go gives her a confused look as she continues. "Anyway, see you tomorrow!"

Honey Lemon darts inside, shutting the door behind her.

For a moment, she doesn't move, only standing beside the grand entrance to Fred's mansion. Turning, she glances down at Wasabi, who only shrugs in response.

...Who's acting weird _now?_


	8. Chapter 8

The mansion, suddenly quiet, echoes faintly with her footsteps down the hall.

Honey Lemon lets out a breath, taking a few seconds before entering the den. When she does, he's standing in the middle of the room, holding the now-empty bowl of chips, alternating between looking guiltily at her and staring at the ground.

She frowns. "So."

"...So."

Fred doesn't say anything else, and despite herself, she's kind of annoyed. Probably more tired than anything, actually. Not physically worn out, but it's been kind of a strange day.

The party was tough to get through. Of course, she was glad to see everyone, and she knew they all needed a night like this- but the whole time, she couldn't get the phone call out of her head. When Fred finally picked up, he seemed shaken. Freaked out. Like there was something really, truly urgent going on. He wouldn't tell her anything more specific than he had over the texts, even going so far as to backtrack by stammering an apology and saying she didn't need to worry. She didn't buy it for a second.

She'd made a big deal about the studying thing, before, but it went out the window the second she got that text. That's what had made the evening so bizarre: rushing over to Fred's house, worried and confused, only to be greeted by a house full of her friends, carefree as ever. Pretending everything was fine- even trying to relax and have fun, herself- wasn't easy. Not only did she have to switch gears completely, from near-panic to happy-party-mode, but she also had to act like she didn't have this burning question. And with Fred being the extravagant party host, she never got a change to talk to him one-on-one. So she joked, and laughed, and pretended. She did her best.

It feels good to finally drop the act.

With a tight-lipped smile, she glances to the doorway. "I, uh, I think Go Go's probably a little thrown right now," she says brightly, trying to lend some humor to the situation. "I jumped back in here pretty quick."

Fred's eyes widen. "Oh, right," he mumbles. "Sorry, I didn't mean to... like, make anyone worry, or anything-"

"No, it's fine."

Quiet again. Hesitating, Honey Lemon shifts her weight onto one foot, and the faint squeak is amplified by the wide-open, spacious nature of the den. "You don't have to keep doing that, you know," she says.

"Huh?"

"This... thing." She gestures towards him. "Apologizing over and over. It's not, like..." The words aren't coming. She's not used to that. Clearing her throat, she tries again. "I mean, I _want_ to be here."

"...Cool." Fred nods, but there's still a flat look in his eyes. "Yeah."

He sets down the bowl, like he's about to say something, but drops his gaze again and moves to clean up some paper plates- still stained with pizza sauce- instead. Maybe it's the lighting in the room, but Fred suddenly looks like... he hasn't gotten enough sleep? She's not sure, but she thinks she can see bags under his eyes, as well as an exhausted lilt to his actions.

She says it when she can't stand waiting any longer. "Freddie, what's going on?"

The quieted TV drones on behind him. The movie's playing, the sequel Tadashi had been excited about, and in the silence, she can hear a few random yells of anger and challenging tones. Fred doesn't say a word.

He looks down, and this time she has no idea what he's thinking. One moment, he seems to be floundering and trying to think of what to say- the next, he's completely frozen, unwilling to share at all. Unreadable.

It's enough to make her worried. She's already considered that something's seriously wrong, but now, she's almost sure of it. Taking a tentative step forward, she raises her eyebrows. "...Fred?"

Ideas spring to mind. It's probably not the smartest thing to do, or particularly moral, but she starts wondering what the answer might be. The party was going well, wasn't it? What would make him so worried, when things seem fine?

Maybe he's depressed. The idea surprises her, since Fred always seems so easygoing- but it can sneak up on people, right? It can come out of nowhere, to the people who least expect it. And to the people whose friends would never suspect it. For all she knows, he might have had a serious case of depression for a long time now. It's not like people walk around with a sign explaining exactly how their mental health is each day, after all.

And it would make sense in other ways! It would explain why he's been acting so differently, and why he has trouble keeping his bright attitude going at random times. Most of all, it might provide the reason for his difficulty in relaxing, and the gap of time where he avoided them. What could she do if that was the problem? Well, she knew a little bit about it- first, and most importantly, she'd tell him his friends care about him and will always be there. Then, she'd make it clear that if he keeps feeling like this- or if he has for a long time already- then he needs to get serious about medical help. There's nothing wrong with seeking help for a problem! And the city has a lot of quality counselors and therapists, if it's something that needs a human connection. But maybe that's more than necessary? Maybe he's just going through a rough time, and more than anything, he needs his friends beside him, and given enough time everything's going to be-

"It's kids."

He just... says it, suddenly. Two words, and even though she doesn't understand, they must mean a lot to him, because his face goes even paler and he reels, like he said something he can't take back. He's shaking now, and it takes him a minute before he can continue.

"Kids," Fred repeats. He shuffles his feet, moving so he can sit down heavily on the couch. Looking down again, he lets his head fall into his hands. He's facing away from her, but she can hear the pain and anger in his voice- and when he speaks again, it stops her every thought cold. "I'm, uh... I'm attracted to kids."


	9. Chapter 9

He says it.

He says it, because he knows if he thinks about it any longer he won't say it at all, and he'll feel the lie pool up in the bottom of his stomach and soon he'll be telling her some half-baked excuse that won't get at what's really happening. It almost happens, and it brings a feeling of helplessness: that he'll lie, and he'll never be able to stop lying, always stringing his friends along and despising the words that come out of his mouth.

So he doesn't second-guess it, and he doesn't let himself worry about what might happen. He doesn't think at all. He just says it.

And for a moment, it's an incredible feeling. Thrilling. A sense of liberation, because he finally feels like he's not hiding anymore, and whatever happens now, he doesn't have to stay trapped in the endless cycle of his own fears echoing in on themselves- now there's someone else, now something has finally started, now he can hold it all up to the light-

It's gone in an instant.

Honey Lemon is quiet.

Terror rushes in, filling the void, telling him that this was a horrible mistake. What he thought was a step forward, a reaching out to grab someone's hand, suddenly feels like falling off a cliff. He can never go back. Everything could be ruined, what was he _thinking_ , he should have kept it quiet and tried to keep going on his own, it's all bearing down on him at once... and she's still not saying anything.

Fred can't bring himself to turn around. His eyes are locked on the floor, and he doesn't try to move away from the couch. The movie blares on.

Mistake. Mistake. Mistake. It's all he can think about, and the word keeps ringing in his mind- it was a mistake to invite people here, it was a mistake to spend time with someone younger, a mistake to make that phone call, a mistake to say what he did to Honey Lemon, a mistake every time he turned on that stupid computer and a mistake every day he couldn't force himself to just grab a bottle of pills and-

...

The thought doesn't go away.

...

It's not a brand-new idea, really. He's wondered about it before, in passing- just a thing that people do. And yeah, sometimes, on a really tough night when his mind gets away from him, it's a little more difficult to dismiss the idea completely... but he's never dwelt on it. Never let it capture his thoughts.

Never tried it.

He's freaking out, panicking, and he knows it. His hands splay out, then fold up into fists, tapping patterns on his knees; a picture of the splintered jumble in his head. This is _stupid_. He just has to get a grip, has to... stop thinking. Just stop. Grinding his teeth together, he lets his head fall and shoves his palms against the sides- pressure builds, but it's not enough. Racing worries and fears are still flying in an unending spiral, back and forth and back again.

Then something else cuts through. A single idea, taking advantage of his frantic thought processes to become the only thing he can think about for a second: _She's gone. She left, because she's horrified, like she SHOULD be-_

It sends a bolt of terror through him, unexpected and shaking. Fred turns to look over the back of the couch so fast it hurts his neck, but she's still there. Honey Lemon hasn't moved. There's... in her face, there's something he can't quite read. Something in her eyes, or in the way her mouth is slightly opened. A combination, maybe, of stunned surprise and shock and revulsion and anger. He doesn't know for sure.

It's new, though. A look he's never seen before. And it hurts.

"...Okay." Honey Lemon blinks a few times, as if it took her a second to realize Fred was now looking at her. She smiles, or tries to, in a more familiar expression. "Okay."

Fred waits, but she doesn't say anything else- her hand goes up to rub her forehead, and she looks away.

The movie's finally over. It's quiet.

...Of _course_. The whole time, he's been thinking about himself, and how he was feeling. Honey Lemon's reaction was only important because of what it would mean for _him_.

What must it be like for her? It has to be awful, hearing this for the first time. Everything he's been thinking and worrying about, or a lot of it, would be condensed into a single moment of horrifying realization, and directed at someone who she thought was a good friend. A good person.

Fred can't stand to look at her. Turning again, he stares down at the ground. This was- God, this was such a mistake. She'll be perfectly justified if she leaves right now. Even thinking it, the prospect jolts him once more with cold fear.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out. It doesn't make sense, but he can't think of anything else- there are a dozen more important things to say, things he probably should say, but none of it connects. He can't put the words together. "I, uh- I'm really sorry."

...

The room is still. Fred doesn't look up.

...

A movement in the corner of his vision. He blinks, and Honey Lemon is standing near the couch, a nervous, uncertain look in her eyes. Almost without thinking, he moves slightly so there's enough room. She sits down, still not saying anything.

...

It's... strange. He expected the frantic, worrying energy to continue; that he'd either keep being scared out of his mind, or have some kind of crying breakdown. Instead, it's quiet. He _feels_ quiet.

Honey Lemon looks like she's trying to think of what to say.

Without warning, a burst of triumphant music sounds out from the TV. Fred jumps, startled, scrambling for the remote before he turns the television off completely- the disc must have reverted back to the menu, complete with obnoxious theme song. For a minute, he doesn't move. Staring forward at a blank screen, holding the remote in one outstretched hand, trembling slightly from the unexpected noise. On edge.

But at the same time, there's quiet. Once again, he feels it- an odd sense of stillness, like things are moving more slowly. Maybe he's just exhausted. The reflection in the screen is barely visible, but he imagines he can see himself, worn-out and tired.

Honey Lemon breathes in quietly, then puts her hand on his shoulder.

Fred turns, but he can only meet her glance for a second before looking away. The words spring forward, and this time, he means them with everything in him. "It sucks," he says. "It really sucks."

"I'm sure," she says quietly.

...

A few seconds of silence pass, and another paranoid thought worms its way forward. She's looking at him differently, now- she always will. It'll never be the same.

But Fred closes his eyes, and focuses on the comforting hand on his shoulder. Because even if she has no clue what to say, she's here. Maybe he _has_ said something he'll never be able to take back, but the notion isn't quite as terrifying anymore.

Honey Lemon doesn't move her hand. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but in his mind, the action translates into something simple: _I'm here for you._

He breathes deeply, and for the first time in a while, he doesn't feel so lost.

Eventually, she coughs. "So... was today, just- kind of hard to get through? The party, and..."

Fred shifts, leaning back against the couch. "Yeah."

"Hm." Honey Lemon goes quiet again. When she next speaks, it's with a hesitant tremor, and he realizes she was building up the courage to ask. "Is it Hiro?"

"No." There's a twitch, a flinch across the back of his neck and his shoulders. He tries to ignore the chill that settles on his skin. "I mean- I'm not sure."

She gives him a confused glance, and he sighs. "Not, like... specifically him. I don't think, anyway." He presses the bridge of his nose, letting his fingers and thumb push lightly against his closed eyes. Trying to explain it at all is weird, for one thing. He's never had to before. "But whenever he's around, I- it's like I'm reminded of the whole thing. I can't just pretend it's not there."

"Usually, you can, though?"

Pausing, he shrugs halfheartedly. "Sometimes."

The touch on his shoulder finally drifts away, and Honey Lemon looks down as she rests her hands in her lap. Before the conversation can fade back into complete silence, Fred turns back to her. "Can you, uh... Can you not tell the others?"

Her eyes are wide, but she nods quickly. "Of course."

"I'm going to. Or- I will, just... not yet." He balances his elbows on his knees. "It has to be me. I think it should be me."

"Right." There's a sense that she might be about to stand up, to try to somehow wrap things up with a cheery smile and a promise to meet up again soon, but she doesn't. It strikes Fred that he's never seen her so serious. No, that's not quite right- he's never seen her so lost in thought.

He wants to ask what she's thinking. But he can't.

They sit in silence for a while longer, staring at nothing.


	10. Chapter 10

"You know, the inner workings of a database are really fascinating."

"...Hiro, please, just go to sleep."

He clicks the mouse again, completely ignoring Tadashi's mumbled plea as he scans the computer screen. "Like, isn't it amazing that a group of people can organize a gigantic compilation of pretty much whatever they want? If I want, I can just-" With a pause, he raises his eyebrows. "Yeah. Just like that, I'm staring at a list of every time someone in a movie has said, 'Things can't get any worse.'"

"You were falling asleep twenty minutes ago. This isn't fair."

"And it's constantly changing, because everyone keeps it updated!" Frowning thoughtfully, he leans his elbows on his desk. "Now that I think about it," he says, "The human element is sort of a part of the network, too. The people who keep this running are, like, another layer to the system. It's almost as if the database extended so far that it became self-sustaining."

Tadashi's next response is more of a despairing moan than any coherent speech, and Hiro finally turns around with a sigh. "Aw, fine, you big baby." He shuts his laptop with a click, then switches off the desk lamp. The now-dark attic makes it a little more difficult to get from his chair to the bed, but he doesn't have any trouble navigating the somewhat-messy floor. He changes quickly, falling into bed a few minutes later.

"Night, Hiro," his brother mutters quietly.

"Night."

...

Well, this is annoying.

Hiro knows he's the kind of person to get stuck on ideas. He can't help it- if there's something he's wondering about, it bugs him until he finds some way to figure it out. And now, staring up at the dark ceiling of the room, listening to the quiet night around him, he realizes he won't be able to go to sleep until he gets his thoughts out there.

Tadashi had a point. He should be really tired by now.

He sighs, acutely aware of how awake he is. It's basically a simple choice- bug his brother for a few minutes, or resign himself to a night of rolling over and tangling his blankets without getting much real sleep at all. "Tadashi?"

"Nghh."

Taking a minute to think it over, Hiro turns to face the other bed. "...What's up with Fred?"

"Huh?" It's tough to tell, but he thinks Tadashi is at looking at him. "Fred?"

"Uh, yeah." He rolls his eyes. "Jokes around a lot, owns a mansion. Pretty sure you know him."

"Hilarious." Tadashi yawns. "Yeah, he's a weird guy. Good friend, though. What about him?"

"I dunno. He was acting kinda weird."

His brother is quiet for a second, and it looks like he's sitting up now. "Weird how?"

Briefly, Hiro gets the feeling that he's tattling, but he doesn't worry about it. "I think you went to the bathroom or something, and he got all jumpy. He looked really freaked out for a while."

"Really." Tadashi sounds a lot more serious.

"I mean, it's probably nothing. He said he had to get some air. That's why he was gone when you came back."

The attic is silent. Finally, Tadashi sighs. "Right."

"...Well?"

"Well, what?"

Impatient, Hiro rolls over so he's looking up at the ceiling again. "Well, what do you think?"

"I don't know, Hiro." Tadashi sounds even more tired now, and when Hiro glances back over, the dim outline suggests he's curled up again, hoping to get to sleep. "You're probably right. I'm sure it's nothing."

"Hm." He blinks up at the posters on the walls. In this light, he can't see anything specific, so his thoughts aren't distracted.

He's nearly asleep when a faint noise catches his attention. "...Tadashi, are you on your phone?"

"No." A quick scuffling noise betrays his brother, and a tiny light quickly shuts off.

Hiro gives a sleepy chuckle. "Please, just go to sleep," he mimics.

"Okay, I get it."

"It's not fair," he continues. "You were falling asleep twenty minutes ago!"

"I don't sound like that."

"That's _exactly_ what you sound like."

Tadashi mumbles an argument back-and-forth with him for a few minutes, and Hiro eventually dozes off in the middle of a sentence.

[]

...

...

...

 _-Heard about what happened. You know you can still talk to me whenever, right?_


	11. Chapter 11

_Beep_.

"Honey Lemon. It's me. Are you there?"

...

"...Come on, answer the phone. Look, I just- I need to talk to you."

...

"Please, pick up. Please."

...

"...No. You know what? Fine. I- I don't-"

...

...

...

"...What the _hell_ , man. You said you weren't gonna tell anyone. Why would you- _God_ , I just-"

...

"I wasn't ready to... you knew that. You knew I was gonna tell them. But- I don't know, I..."

...

...

...

"...Sorry. I shouldn't have- I didn't mean to yell, I just... I'm sorry."

...

"No. I'm not sorry, I'm- _shit_ , I can't do this. Look, don't call me back, alright?"

 _Click_.

* * *

 **I didn't think it'd be fair to actually update with a non-chapter and get hopes up, so here we are.**

 **I'm sorry this story's been dark for a month. The truth is, the end of the summer was kind of rough mentally, and I have some issues I've been trying to work through. Sad to say, this story hasn't been my number-one priority.**

 **And unfortunately, there won't be updates for a long while. I'm going on a trip that will limit my Internet access, but even if it didn't, I don't think I'd be ready to keep this going any time soon.**

 **I get back December. I really do plan to continue this story, and hopefully by then, I'll be able to put in a lot more work to get regular updates going.**

 **Thanks for reading.**


	12. Chapter 12

"So, how's the new place?"

Wasabi grins as he listens to the chatter coming from the phone. He pads down the hall of his apartment, making his way toward the kitchen with a yawn. "Yeah, I'll have to come visit sometime. Think you'll make it back to San Fransokyo at all?"

The counter is a little messy, with a few dishes he hasn't cleaned yet. "Hey, come on, it's not _that_ bad here," he chuckles. Almost without thinking, he starts some water running in the sink and reaches for the dish soap. "There's always something going on."

He pauses with a frown, looking over the scene before him. He… doesn't usually leave things like this, honestly. Not if he can take care of them right away. Maybe Fred's rubbing off on him? He shudders at the thought.

"Me? Oh, you know-" Struggling to hold the phone with one hand, he tries to get started on the dishes with the other. "Just partying it up, like always." There's only a hint of a sarcastic tone in his voice, but the laughter on the other end makes him thrown on a fake-indignant huff. "Hey, I'll have you know I was at an _actual_ party last night! I go out! I do things!"

Soap bubbles up in the sink. He sighs after a beat of silence. "Pizza and a movie," he admits. Another bout of giggles makes him raises his eyebrows. "Nuh-uh, _you're_ lame. You are. _You_ are."

Oh, geez, Tadashi and Hiro's attitudes are starting to rub off on him, too.

He slides a plate into the drying rack. "Hey, listen. Gotta ask you something." A few cups are next, but he pauses. "Huh? 'Finally'? What do you mean?" Straightening, he leans on the counter. "Um… Saturday, I think. Right?"

A calendar near the front door verifies his answer. "Yeah. Saturday. What's so special about it? I mean, I don't _think_ I'm forgetting anything…" He doesn't change his expression, but makes sure to put just the right amount of confusion into his voice. "Was I supposed to write Mom today, or something?"

The teasing voice quickly switches to one of anger, and Wasabi actually has to put a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. "What are you talking about? Seriously, I have no idea!" he fibs. He grabs one of the spoons, but rather than put it away, opts to grab a bowl as well and head to the cabinets. "I'm really sorry, but…"

Flakes of cereal pour down with a clinking noise. He makes sure to gasp loudly, even though there's still a smile on his face. "Oh, man, that's today? You're kidding! Ugh, I'm such an idiot!" The milk is next- the carton runs out, but he has another in the fridge for exactly this kind of situation. Breakfast adequately prepared, he sits down, phone still at his ear. "Look, I really am sorry."

He takes a few bites while the voice on the other end gets more and more worked up. "And I know this isn't the best time, but I really do have to ask you something." Pausing, he swirls the milk around in the bowl. "…Could you look outside really quick?"

A confused answer leads him to grin again. "Just… just do it. Check out by the front door."

More silence. Then, he laughs as a burst of excited noise comes through- because, of course, he had the plan ready weeks ago. Timed it down to the day.

He can practically see it. The gift's in a little brown package, with a card taped to the top and everything, sitting right outside the door, where the mailman would have left it. Wasabi smiles again, and this time it's a little more wistful. "...Happy birthday, sis."

A gentle scolding is next, declaring him as ' _just the worst, seriously_ ', and it suddenly occurs to him: maybe Go Go's the one who's a bad influence. That was almost devious. He puffs up just a bit, resolving to see if he can mess with Go Go the next time he sees her.

Oh, yeah. Definitely a bad influence.

An alarm gives a quiet ring on his phone. He checks the name on the screen, then frowns. "Uh, for real, though, can I call you back? Someone else is- yeah. You know how it goes."

He carefully places the dishes in the sink. "Yeah. Later, then. Love you," he adds, because he knows how much it bugs her when people say that. Leaning back against the counter, he grins when he notices she's already hung up. A few taps bring up the other call, and he lifts the phone again. "What's up, Honey Lemon?"

A question makes him furrow his brow. "Uh, no. Haven't heard anything from him since yesterday. Why?" He listens for another couple seconds. "...Alright, what'd he say in this 'weird message'?"

Silence, then some hesitant speaking. He shrugs. "So, nothing really specific, huh?" But as the voice continues, his face falls.

...She's worried, too.

Now, he's trying to do the opposite of the call earlier- masking the concern and uneasiness by keeping a bright and cheery tone. "Hey, I don't think you need to... I'm sure he's not really mad at you or anything." It's tough, though, because he _just_ had that conversation with Go Go, and everything in him wants to agree and gossip about what _might_ be going on. But that's probably a bad idea.

And, that's not really what Honey Lemon's asking him to do, anyway. She just wants to make sure her friends are happy, right?

...Geez, this is exactly the kind of friend-drama he thought he'd be _avoiding_ at a tech college.

"He's not answering the phone?" The answer brings a sigh, and he rubs at his eyes with a tired grimace. "...Well, I'll try him later anyway."

He stands up, glancing out the window. "Okay. Yeah, see ya." Hesitating, he shakes his head. "Hey, um- he's probably fine. You're not too stressed out or anything, right? He's just... acting weird. I don't know."

Her answer sounds as fake-confident as he feels. "...Cool. Later." He brings the phone away from his ear, then- staring at it for a few seconds- flicks it onto the table like a spinning frisbee.

The case bounces gently when it hits, and the phone slides to the edge. One corner hangs off. _Extra points in paper football,_ he notes halfheartedly.

This sucks. Maybe it's just the way his mind works, but he's absolutely sure if he overreacts and asks Fred what's going on, it's gonna turn out to be nothing, and he'll be the nosy jerk who's trying to stir up drama where there isn't any. But if he doesn't do anything...

He slaps his forehead. And to think, everything seemed fine yesterday.

* * *

 **Turns out I was wrong about the three-month wait. I have steady Internet, as well as time to get some writing done. I'm going back to short, hopefully quick updates.  
**

 **Again, thanks for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

Tadashi Hamada is at school, on a Saturday, and it's _not_ to get some extra work done in the lab.

This is, apparently, the news of the century.

He's in the middle of recounting this for the third time, because yet another professor has stopped him to ask about his most recent project, and he's trying to explain that _yes_ , everyone's rushing to get as much done as they can before the big mid-semester test and subsequent extended weekend, but he's _sure it will be fine to take a day off, thank you for your concern,_ when he sees Fred at the other end of the hall.

"Hey!" With a wave, he abandons the other conversation completely and makes his way towards his friend. "If it isn't the _king_ of manageable, responsible parties."

"Tadashi?" He expects a grin, or a joke in return, but Fred just looks surprised. "What're you doing here?"

"First off, thanks for not assuming it's work." Once he catches up, he accepts the offered fist-bump. "Gotta swing past the music wing and pick up one of those rental keyboard deals."

Fred gives him a vacant look. "...We have a music wing?"

"Yeah! Who knew, right?"

"Huh." He's still not smiling, but he falls into step so they're both walking. Pretty soon, they exit the hall completely and start across the campus. "Where's that?"

"Arts building." Tadashi raises his eyebrows as they walk past a parking lot. "I'm pretty sure I've been in there, like, once. And that was when I was looking for something else and got lost."

He glances over, and Fred isn't looking at him. It's almost too obvious, how he's shifting his focus from the ground in front of them, to the buildings above, to anything and everything except him. "So, what's with the keyboard?" he asks, hands jammed in his pockets.

Tadashi shrugs. "It's Aunt Cass's idea. We rent it for the weekend, then set it up in the front of the cafe and let people play it, if they want. I think she's looking for ways to get a more laid-back tone around the place."

"Cool." A leaf crunches under Fred's shoe. "Might be fun."

"I think so."

The building's a longer walk than he expected. He pads along the path, too aware of the awkward silence.

He wants to ask again. He really does. But it's probably best to let Fred bring it up himself.

In fact, it isn't much later that Fred coughs and clears his throat. "So, uh... you heard."

What, the text message? He's... worried about the way he acted slightly jumpy in front of Hiro? More than a little confused, he keeps walking with a nod.

A shaky exhale comes from Fred's direction. "And- and you're not mad?"

"Mad?" He's really starting to get confused, now. With an incredulous look, he glances back at his friend. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because-" Fred stops moving, blinking quickly, like he's trying to think of something. "Wait, what did Honey tell you?"

The building's right there, probably ten seconds' walk. Still, Tadashi pauses as well. "Honey? No, Hiro said you were acting really nervous. What are _you_ talking about?"

It's not a subtle change, this time. His eyes go wide, and he looks like he doesn't even realize his hands are up and pressed against the sides of his head. "You don't- Okay, okay, you…" It's practically gibberish.

Tadashi frowns. "Uh, is this about that thing from before?"

"I just-" Wildly shaking his head, he starts to back up. "I can't, I can't," he mumbles. "I gotta go."

Before he can turn, Tadashi puts a hand on his shoulder. "What's going on, man?" he asks. "Seriously, I'm getting freaked out here. Why can't you just tell me?"

And there's that look again. Like he's begging him not to ask anymore. But before either one of them can say something else, a buzzing sound interrupts them. Shocked out of the moment, Fred breaks away and grabs for his phone, then starts down the path with only an apologetic glance. "H-hello?"

…

This is really frustrating.

He still feels bad for him, obviously. Fred's one of his closest friends, and it sucks seeing him in pain like this. But he's also starting to get pretty annoyed with how cagey everything's been. Fred acts weird, then Hiro claims that Fred's acting weird, then it happens _again_ … And now Honey Lemon is involved, somehow?

Tadashi shakes his head, then rubs at his eyes with a forefinger and thumb. "Unbelievable," he mutters.

Time to find that keyboard, he supposes.


	14. Chapter 14

"Fred?"

He's going to lie. He can feel it.

"Fred, are you there?"

Trees and windows pass through the edge of his vision, then glass doors, then hallways. Soon, there's only the echo of his own steps against the tiles.

Fred takes a breath, preparing himself before he grins against the phone on his ear. "What's happening, Sab-Story?"

Just like that, the mask is back. It's almost as if he's listening to someone else speak the words, not himself.

"Hey, man." He sounds worried. Of course, it kinda seems like everyone's acting worried these days. "How's it going?"

"Peachy." Fred continues walking, but he's not too concerned with where he's going. He had to get away from Tadashi- the phone call was just a convenient exit. "What's good with you?"

"Uh, I'm… doing fine." Wasabi pauses. "So, you're not stranded in another city without your phone or something."

"…No?"

"Cool." Wow, Wasabi is _terrible_ at trying to act casual. "It's just, you know, Honey Lemon said she was trying to call you."

Oh. Right.

Fred falters for a second, almost tripping on nothing in the hallway. The seven missed calls from this morning alone are in the forefront of his mind- in fact, he only answered this call because he saw it wasn't from her.

And… wait a minute, she _actually didn't tell anyone_. The message was completely unwarranted.

He just cussed out one of his best friends for no reason.

This time, it's a struggle to keep his voice steady. "Really? Huh, that's weird." The words slip out, and he's sure that if Wasabi could see him now, the lie would be obvious. "Maybe my phone's going senile."

"Heh, maybe." Wasabi sighs. "…She said you left her a weird message, too."

He almost panics. For an instant, his mind _almost_ jumps to the extreme conclusion, worrying that Wasabi knows. But no- she didn't tell anybody. She wouldn't.

His head is spinning.

"Shoot. I guess I'll ask her about that, too." It scares him how easily he can lie over the phone, when the other person can't see him. Even when he's jumping between emotions and trying to figure out this mess of who knows what, he can still deceive his friends. It's kind of sick.

"Alright. Hey, you sure things are going okay?"

Fred could tell him. He could drop the whole act, right here and now- it'd probably be better, even. He could tell his friends now, before the deception goes any farther and they find out in some other way.

He almost does. He almost lets the stress and pain back into his voice, and he almost asks if they can meet up somewhere to talk.

"…Never better, compadre."

His heart sinks. The feeling's pooling up again, in the pit of his stomach, and he can't stop it: he's going to keep lying. And he's going to get away with it.

"Good to hear." Wasabi sounds genuinely relieved, and it only makes him feel worse. "See you around, I guess."

"Yeah."

Another call ended. Another conversation behind him. Another boldfaced lie.

He slips the phone back into his pocket, almost shaking as he starts up one of the stairwells. This is… it's insane. Why can't he just stop? Why can't he be honest, and finally bring it all to rest?

Maybe because it's not really an act. Not completely.

He _is_ the guy who doesn't get too worried. He's the goof. He likes being the laid-back and calm one, especially when everybody else is cramming for tests and getting hyped up on energy drinks and coffee. Maybe he doesn't want to let that go? As if admitting what's going on would change his standing in the group or whatever.

Well, of course it would. If they knew, they would _hate_ -

He gets to the top of the steps, and scowls. No, he has to try not to think that way. After all, Honey reacted better than he could have expected. So maybe it would be better to just tell everyone, instead of keeping the whole thing half-hidden from some people.

But… Tadashi.

He somehow forgot about Tadashi. Like a sledgehammer, the earlier conversation slams back into his thoughts- he was actually kind of relieved, because it seemed like his friend already knew. He thought he wouldn't have to explain it all again, and even better, Tadashi didn't seem mad about it. For just a moment, he thought that things would be fine. Then it all fell apart again.

He told Honey that he'd be the one to tell them, eventually. But how?

It's all rushing around in his head, and he starts to feel like he did that night he stayed awake so late. Like he has to do _something_ , or his thoughts will just spin in circles until he can't even function. So he goes back to the stairs, this time continuing upwards.

He knows the school better than the others. Being the mascot, he had the chance to learn the layout pretty quickly, and one of the things he knows for sure is that Tadashi- who knows the lab like the back of his hand, but not the outlying buildings- is headed the wrong way if he's looking for the music wing.

It doesn't take long to reach the top floor. The spot isn't terribly well-known, since it's mostly a science and engineering school, but it's one of the secluded places that Fred has come to appreciate. He slips through the carpeted hallway, past the soundproofed walls and lockers full of folders, and eventually finds the door he's looking for.

A tiny alcove and a couple of rooms branching off, each with a piano against the wall.

The entire floor is completely silent- one of the reasons he likes it. He scoots the bench closer to one of the older instruments. Closing his eyes, he moves his right hand over the highest octave of notes.

There's a piano in the mansion, so it wasn't hard to pick up a few songs as a kid. The others probably don't know he can play at all.

It starts with a series of gentle notes, high and soft. A melody he learned from a game, a long time ago. Soon, though, the left hand comes in, loud and driving, solid underneath the abstract.

He's mad.

It drives the playing, and soon, he's into the more frantic part of the song. Faster. Stronger. He throws himself into the music, and after a moment, it's as if his hands are moving without his decisions. The music has emotions and power of its own, and it only seems to highlight everything he's thinking.

A lower chord. Two- no, _three_ of his best friends are angry with him, and he has no idea what to do about it.

Lightning-fast trills near the top. He's furious with himself, because he can't tell the truth.

Two melody lines working together. It's all his fault, and he's just causing trouble for everyone around him, even when he's trying to keep the problem as hidden as he can. They'd probably be better off if he just wasn't there.

…

 _Shit._

He hasn't thought about that in a while. The song pauses, and a few seconds pass before he realizes he's stopped playing. A combination of atonal notes plays out- he must have kept the pedal down without realizing what he was doing.

Fred doesn't move. It's a thought he can't always get rid of. Rare, but strong. And he's not _supposed_ to think that way, he _knows_ that, but…

Finally, he throws both hands down on the keys at random. The burst of sound explodes in an awful clash.

…Being up here helps. Sometimes.

Standing quickly, he leaves before the echo even fades.


	15. Chapter 15

Hiro flops backwards onto his bed, pressing both hands against his face with a groan. He's very pointedly not looking at Aunt Cass. He's trying not to listen to her, either.

Lunch shift… could have gone better.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he whines, and it ends up sounding a lot more childish than he means it to. "I didn't mean it, I was just tired, it wasn't my fault, it was a misunderstanding, um… we'll look back on this and laugh."

His aunt is quiet for a second. "Are you just trying every excuse you can think of?"

He peers between his fingers. "Is it working?"

"Hiro, I asked you to help with one order. Just one." She sighs, rubbing her temples. "One single chore to get through the two o'clock rush, taking five minutes out of your _busy Saturday schedule_ …"

"Hey!" Sitting up quickly, he frowns. "I wasn't just lying around doing nothing! I'm a busy guy."

Aunt Cass doesn't even glance at the laptop across the room, where a Let's Play video is about halfway finished. "Hiro, you know you can't be rude to people like that. It's just… you can't. I've _told_ you-"

"Fine!" he says loudly, and immediately knows it was the wrong move. Cass looks at him with one eyebrow raised, and he wilts, falling back onto the bed. "I'm sor- _Fine_ ," he mutters. "Can we just skip all this and get to me being punished already?"

"…Alright."

Wait, what?

Blinking, he looks up again, and Cass has a different expression. Thoughtful, like she's considering something new. She's still staring him down, though, and even nods with a little sigh. "If that's what you want." She turns to the stairs and starts heading down. "You have to explain yourself. That's your punishment."

"Huh?" Hiro stands up, thoroughly confused, and takes a few steps after her. But she's gone, disappeared back to the first floor. For a moment, he keeps looking out of the room, but only silence greets him.

…What the heck was that?

"Aunt Cass?" he calls down loudly. "What are you talking about? Explain myself?"

No answer. He frowns. "Aunt Cass!"

Again, nothing. This is getting ridiculous.

He exhales loudly, then reaches over and spins his computer chair. Wheels whistle and click before he slips onto the seat- it keeps turning for a few seconds, and he pushes against the floor to start a new revolution. It keeps going for a while, and now staring at the ceiling, he wonders what on earth she could have meant by-

"Hey."

Hiro blinks, and on the next rotation, sees that his older brother is suddenly leaning against the wall.

…Of _course_.

He doesn't even stop spinning. He just stands his ground, returning Tadashi's defiant look every time he swings back around to face him. If he thinks Hiro's going to crack before he even asks what's going on, he's got another thing coming.

Tadashi doesn't say anything.

Determined, Hiro narrows his eyes. "You're back."

He waits for the chair to turn again before he nods. "Yup."

"Find the piano or whatever?" Purely out of spite, he spins again.

Again, Tadashi waits until he can see him. "Keyboard. And yes."

"Well, that's just fantastic news." He's _not_ giving in, no matter how serious his brother looks. He's in the right this time. He doesn't need to defend himself. He's not going to be drawn into Aunt Cass's little games.

The wheels squeak. Hiro retains his scowl, even though he's starting to feel kind of sick.

The room is quiet. Tadashi waits. Hiro spins.

…

Tadashi coughs. "So-"

" _It wasn't my fault_ ," Hiro says in a rush, leaping up out of the chair. "You weren't there, man, it was-" He staggers, dizzy, and almost topples over.

"You okay?"

" _Duh_." Hiro slips and bumps against the wall, but he doesn't appear to notice, fixing his brother with his best indignant glare. "Look, it was stupid. This lady was treating me like I was eight or something. I couldn't handle it, you know, she was just being so _insulting-_ "

"Hiro."

"And she kept petting my hair like a puppy, and I didn't even do anything _that_ mean-"

" _Hiro._ " Tadashi says it a little more loudly, and his brother finally quiets down. "What's the one rule?"

About to launch into another rant, Hiro stops. That… that isn't a real rule. There's no way Tadashi would bring it up in a real situation. "You're kidding."

"Nope. What's the one rule of dealing with customers?"

He is _not_. No. No way. Hiro takes a step forward, intending to jab a finger in Tadashi's chest, but the wobbling isn't quite gone yet, and he misses and nearly falls forward completely. "Interactions between customers and employees are a lot more complicated than that," he says quickly, hoping a new angle will help him. "There's nuance, and you have to think about a lot of different things, and it's especially different when it's a family business."

Tadashi sighs. "But it all pretty much falls under one blanket rule, and I'm asking you to tell me what it is."

"You were _joking_ when you told me that."

"I was not."

He crosses his arms. There aren't a lot more options, here. Tadashi might actually be determined enough to see this through. "You're always telling me not to say stuff like this."

"Don't try to get out of it, bro." Tadashi casually glances back down the stairs, then back to his brother. "You know the rule. Tell me the rule."

He huffs. "We have a freaking swear jar in our room, man."

"I don't care." Tadashi actually looks like he's smiling now. "Out with it."

God, this is embarrassing. Hiro's pretty sure his face is going pink. "I don't wanna say it."

"Tough."

Finally, Hiro mutters it under his breath, and even before his brother can react, he knows it wasn't loud enough. "Hm? What was that?" And _geez_ , he's even doing the cheesy thing where he cups a hand around his ear like he's in an old movie or something. "One more time?"

Groaning in frustration, Hiro slaps a hand to his face. "It's 'Don't be a dick'," he says loudly, too aware of the heat in his face. "That's the rule. You happy?"

"So you _do_ remember." An amused grin breaks out, and he's not trying to hide it now. "And what were you doing when you gave Mrs. Mayoto a certain two-handed gesture?"

He's livid. He's practically shaking with rage. "…Being a dick."

Tadashi chuckles, but his expression quickly becomes more serious. "It doesn't matter if you're right, knucklehead. The instant you pull something like that, you're in the wrong. That's just how it is. Not exactly fair, but lots of things aren't."

"I'll say," Hiro says under his breath.

He isn't sure if his brother hears it. It's hard to tell. But he's still looking at him, like he thinks he's being a wise teacher or something. "Even if you think they're stupid. Even if they're treating you like _you're_ stupid. You have to be the bigger guy, here. And I'm sure Aunt Cass doesn't want to have to punish you like you're a little kid."

"Look, I get it, okay?" He wants to brush it off, more than anything, but he can't ignore how the words stick. He can't just dismiss the way they sound more important, more embarrassing, and more obnoxious when it's Tadashi saying them.

He's right, obviously. Hiro shoots him an angry look anyway.

"Good talk." Shaking his head, but still smiling, his brother starts toward his bed and fishes his phone out of his pocket, apparently without a care in the world. "Tune in next week for more life lessons with Tadashi."

…He is the worst. _Just the worst._

"Oh, and Hiro-" Tadashi turns back. He holds eye contact for a second, then very pointedly glances toward the shelf on the wall. "Fifty cents."

He gapes. "You're not serious."

He's going to say something, but when he looks over, Tadashi is staring down at his phone with a pensive look on his face. No, more like… worried. Definitely worried. Like he's trying to decide if he should do something.

Hiro can't bring himself to be mad about it, anymore. With a sigh, he makes his way to the wallet on his desk.

…It's still not fair.

It's when he's fishing around for spare change that his eye catches the robot next to his computer. One of the fighting ones. His eyes light up, and he subtly glances back to the other side of the room- Tadashi's still lost in thought, now gazing out the window like something's bothering him.

Hiro's pretty sure Tadashi doesn't know about this one yet. He quietly pushes the robot back, behind his laptop, so it's out of sight.

Even when he's having a rotten day, even when Tadashi and Aunt Cass are being all kinds of unreasonable…

It's still a Saturday. One of the biggest bot-fighting nights.

Hiro grins.

[]

 **I'm picturing everyone in this story being slightly younger than they are in the movie. Not by much. But enough that Hiro can be a little more immature.**

 **If you're a fan of character studies that tell one person's story, while also showing how their struggles affect the people around them (basically, what I'm attempting to do with Fred in this story), I can't recommend ' Breathe' by Sandfire Kat enough. It's a different take on Hiro dealing with his brother's death, and it's one of the most complex, powerful, and well-written explorations of real grief that I've ever come across.**

 **Quickest link is probably through my 'favorites' list.**


	16. Chapter 16

She's lounging against the display case, not even sparing a glance at the pastries and cakes underneath. In a single motion, she leans back so her face is nearly-upside down, takes out a headphone and raises her eyebrows slightly at the woman behind the counter. A bubble gum bubble swells quietly.

Cass holds eye contact for a second.

 _Pop._

She sighs. "…I'll see if he's not busy."

"Thanks." Go Go lifts her head, looking around the Lucky Cat Café. As Cass heads up towards the rest of the house, her footsteps are lost in the lively clamor of the restaurant on a Tuesday evening- particularly, the slightly-louder-than-usual conversation in the corner, where some kid's birthday party is in full swing.

An older woman is even playing the keyboard near the front. Go Go almost laughs- she's not the best musician, but she's clearly having fun, and with the kids chatting and shouting, the whole place has an overly happy, cheesy, trying-too-hard kinda vibe. Like one of those arcades with the tickets and prizes and stuff.

Or maybe like that party a few days ago. She gives an irritated _snap_ with the gum.

"So." Turning, she sees Tadashi sauntering down the stairway, hands jammed in his pockets. "According to Aunt Cass," he drawls, "You just kinda _looked_ the question if I was home."

Ignoring him completely, she glances back to the crowd on the other side of the café. "You guys must be making mint. I mean, dinner for that whole group, and the cake too?"

He counters by ignoring the interruption. "You know, some people would call it disrespectful to stare at someone instead of, you know, asking a question like a normal human."

"I'd call it disrespectful to let my aunt do all the work when the café's full to bursting."

"Please. I took care of it, like, twenty minutes ago." Tadashi gestures grandly, spreading his arms toward the group. "Behold- food that's clearly already been served."

"Gonna help clean up, too?"

"Nah. Little bro's on busboy duty." He slips behind the case full of sweets, leaning on one elbow like a tired barista. "So, what'll it be today, miss?"

Go Go pushes off the glass, then bends down to examine the choices. "Hm…" She taps once in front of three different snacks. "The keys… to… your moped."

"What. No. Absolutely not."

She smirks, but makes sure to wipe the smile away before she straightens up. Tadashi's standing bolt-upright, all traces of joking gone completely. "Okay, ha ha, that's funny," he says in a rush. "So, um, if that's all, I'm just gonna leave now, and-"

She snaps another bubble, in lieu of a response. He frowns. "I'm not budging on this, all right? I don't care if you need something small enough to fit between the warehouses on the docks or whatever other place it's _totally illegal to be driving around at night._ The answer is no."

"Oh, come on." Go Go stares at him levelly. "What's…"

He catches on quickly. "Stop."

"The worst…"

"Don't you dare. Don't even say it."

"That could h-"

He makes a strained, angry sort of noise vaguely resembling the words ' _you just_ ', then reaches down to his pocket and pulls out his phone. "I'll call Honey, right now," he says with a completely serious look on his face. "She can verify. Or, wait, Wasabi might be better- I'm pretty sure he has a complete write-up of the Teacher's Parking Lot Debacle of 2013. And the multiple week-long suspensions that followed."

"That was blown out of proportion."

"He has footnotes. And sources. If I remember right, the local news ran a story."

She rolls her eyes, turning to face the windows to the street outside. "I'm a better driver than all of you crybabies."

In the reflection, he puts his chin in his hand. "If you say so. But we have no accidents on our records, and you… have no moped."

Go Go shrugs. "Maybe I'll just steal it."

"Can't," he says automatically. "Built a lock that prevents hot-wiring. Try again."

Pausing, she blows another bubble. "Then I'll jack the keys."

Tadashi pulls a face. "Uh, no. Not even Hiro knows where they are. And I know for a fact he's looked. Look, what do you actually want the moped for?"

"I don't."

There's a blank moment, when he realizes what Go Go said. "…Huh?"

"Just…" She sighs quietly. "I just wanted to swing by, I guess. See the place. Grab a muffin or something."

" _That_ I'll let you steal." Tadashi's quiet for a second, and in the reflection, he glances away and rubs his neck. "So… maybe I'll call the other guys, too. See if anybody wants to hang out."

Her face falls, just a little bit. "We don't have to make plans every single day."

"Right." He stares out the window as well. Headlights cut through their images, lighting up the glass.

Go Go leans her head back again, then picks the gum off her tongue and throws it in a nearby trash can. It's kind of nice, she realizes, just being here. With the one person who still seems normal.

It's as if she jinxed something. Slowly, hesitantly, Tadashi coughs. "Do you think, uh-"

"If you ask me if I've noticed Fred acting weird, I will punch you in the face."

He shuts up. For a moment. "So… that's a yes."

Ugh.

"All right," she says suddenly, and swings up and away from the case. "That's it."

"Huh?"

Ignoring him again, she grabs her own phone, and quickly starts plugging in numbers. "Seriously, what are you doing?" Tadashi asks.

He starts around the counter, but she holds up a hand. "No. I'm completely done with this. I don't know if Fred's acting weird, but I know Honey is, and I know Wasabi is, and I know _you're_ worried, but it sure sounds like nobody's actually talking to the guy. So I'm gonna ask him what the hell is wrong."

"What? I've been talking to him."

Go Go shoots him a look. "Yeah, I'm sure." Raising the phone, she doesn't take her eyes off Tadashi- he's a little annoyed, but seems a little relieved, too. "Fred. What the _hell_ is wrong?"

He snorts. "Tactful." But, she notices, he's still leaning forward, almost as if he's hoping to hear the other side of the call.

For her part, Go Go's feeling a lot better. Gossip and drama have never really been her scene- honestly, she's thinking someone should have just done this from the beginning. Get to the heart of the problem. Figure it out, so there's no more speculation and worry and…

…

Fred's phone is turned off.

…

Well, then.

"Of course." With a huff, she drops the phone onto the counter.

Tadashi rubs at his eyes. "Look, maybe- I don't know, maybe we should give the guy some space? I mean, it sure doesn't seem like he wants to-"

Incredulous, she cuts him off. "This doesn't bug you? All the sneaking around and wondering who's hiding something and who talked to who? I tried cornering Honey yesterday, and she barely got through an apology before avoiding me for the next two classes. Wasabi keeps pestering me because _he_ thinks something's going on. I'm getting sick of it."

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" He crosses his arms. "Interrogate our friends and get everyone even more angry?"

"It's better than this," she snaps. "Besides, you're the one who asked me, remember? Maybe there's _nothing_ to figure out, and since no one's even willing to just _talk_ to him-"

"I said I've been talking to him!" Frustrated, Tadashi scowls. "I'm as lost as you are on this, okay? I don't know! I might've done something wrong, or said something wrong, or…" He trails off. "I don't know."

"You don't know," she repeats, then shakes her head. "The great Tadashi Hamada."

He's silent for a moment. "I don't know everything, Go Go. People aren't like tech. You can't just-"

"Yeah." Waving him off, she starts back towards the entrance. There's nothing more to say- nothing that'll make any kind of difference, anyway. Any more would just be a waste of time. The door swings open.

"Hey-"

She turns back. Tadashi's holding her phone, with a look on his face that says he's tired of putting up with her attitude. Maybe they're all getting sick of putting up with each other.

Go Go takes the phone. "Thanks."

"No problem," he says under his breath. She steps through the door.

One of the kids brushes past her, scampering outside. The tinny notes of the electric keyboard are still ringing. Just before the door closes, she can hear Tadashi plodding back up the stairs.

…She's been thinking that the others are only making things worse, with their confused worries and whispered conversations. Now, though, she wonders if she's doing any better.


	17. Chapter 17

She finds him on the second floor, in the back corner, one comic in his hand while he scans the other titles. Tracing his finger along the shelf, he stops when he gets to an anthology, with a masked hero on the front Honey doesn't recognize, one in a million costumed characters filling up the rows and walls that seem to stretch on for miles until he's completely dwarfed by all the explosions and weapons and danger and excitement and triumph.

"Hey."

Fred looks up, but his expression doesn't change when he sees her. Guarded. Blank. An uncomfortable thought crosses Honey's mind, that he's literally in the deepest corner of his own world, and she's suddenly breaking in to confront him.

She coughs, and it's quiet, almost apologetic. "You doing okay?"

He breaks eye contact. "Did you follow me or something?"

"No." She glances back to the building's entrance. "You, uh, said this place was your favorite, once."

He doesn't say anything, now reading the back of the book in his hand. Honey turns back, but looks down to her feet. "Thought I'd check it out," she mumbles.

Fred flips open the cover to the first page. "Well, this is it."

It gets to her, for a moment, like he probably means it to. But she does her best to ignore it, even pasting on a smile. "So, what's cool about this one?" she says brightly. "There are a few other comic shops, right? Is there something here that-"

"What do you want?"

It's quiet, again, but it still cuts. He's staring at her now- dropping the book back on the shelf, he crosses his arms.

Finally, she finds her voice. "…I just wanted to talk to you," she says. "You can't avoid everyone forever."

He scoffs, and a pang of guilt goes through Honey as she realizes that she's been avoiding people, too. But he doesn't take it that way. "Yeah, especially because they all think I'm crazy now."

She frowns. Crazy? "I'm just saying, this is… weird." The weaker half of a chuckle gets through. "The whole 'not answering your phone' thing, and brushing people off. Kind of middle school, don't you think?"

"What are you, my mom?" His eyes are weak, and his voice is flat. For an instant, she imagines the way he nearly always talks to people- with a spark in his actions, like he's gearing up to tell the world's greatest joke. "I have my own life."

"Yeah. Of course." Now the words are coming faster. "It's not a- I mean, it kind of _is_ a big deal, though, because if we can't talk to you, we don't know if-" Honey stops, but starts again before Fred can say anything. "We're your friends, you know? And eventually, Go Go or Tadashi is probably going to kick down your door or something."

Scowling, he tries to brush past her. Honey puts a hand on his shoulder. "Fred, wait-" But he just shrugs her away, now starting down the hallway. "Please, I just wanted to talk!"

As if he's making a snap decision, he turns suddenly, so fast that she almost collides with him. When Honey looks up again, something's different in his face- something more frantic, angrier, less controlled. Like he's not trying to hide it all anymore.

And finally, he finds his voice. "Why'd you tell him?"

It's an opportunity. There's a flash of relief, because she can finally put it to rest, and after these days of worry, she's almost forgotten about that awful message, and now the whole thing can be cleared up and they can move forward. "I _didn't_ , I swear! I'm not sure what you thought, but I didn't tell anyone. Please, you have to believe-"

"No. The… the other time." Gritting his teeth, Fred loosely crosses his arms again. "I'm sorry about the message. I shouldn't have freaked out. I thought… well, it doesn't matter." With a halfhearted glare, he almost seems to shrink, bending forward slightly. "I meant with Wasabi."

…That's the reason? That's why he's mad? Honey's head feels like it's spinning. "I- I didn't _tell_ him, I just said you left a weird message and sounded really upset."

"Yeah, and now everyone knows something's wrong." He resents her. She can hear it in his words. He actually sees this as her fault, in a way.

No. She stops herself from thinking that way, because he's in a lot of pain, and he's probably just as confused as the rest of them are. "I'm not-"

Fred interrupts her. "Why'd you tell him?" he repeats.

"Freddie, I was scared! I couldn't talk to you, and-"

"Scared?" He says it quickly, incredulously.

"Of course!" Her voice gets louder, and she throws her arms up in exasperation. "You left that message, and then suddenly I had no way of talking to you! Do you have any idea how worried I was? For all I knew, you could have…"

She pauses. The words fade to nothing. One of the electric lights buzzes quietly, and a young man across the room stoops to pick up a fallen book.

But in the center of it all, Fred is completely frozen, as if he's not even breathing. "What?" he manages. When she can't answer, he tries again, so quietly she can hardly hear him. "…Honey, what'd you think I was gonna do?"

There's something in his eyes, something that says he knows exactly what she's talking about. It's dark, and cold, and maybe it's tormenting him just as much as everything else.

But she can't say it. It has a grip on her voice, and all she can do is shiver as the word appears and vanishes in her mind.

It's not even that complicated. Just a few syllables.

Come on, she tells herself. Say it. Just bring it out into the light.

Starts with an _S_ …

The glare is still in place, but Fred looks like he's about to bolt away, so she swallows and tries her best. "Do you think about it?" she asks, and her voice falters halfway through. "Please, just- just be honest. Do you ever think about it?"

An instant of complete silence. Gone in a blink, but impossibly, stretching on and forcing her to wait. Fred, blinking quickly and moving his mouth slightly like he physically can't answer.

Then, suddenly, sound.

"…Doesn't everybody?"

…

A hundred thoughts are flying through her mind, and she can't articulate any of them

…

It's not that she can't fathom it. It's not that she's never considered he might have experience with the idea. The terror and worry isn't springing up because she hasn't worried about this before.

It's because she has.

"Freddie, listen." Fighting through the shaking and hitches in her voice, Honey takes a step forward. "If there's one thing I know, it's that you _can't_ shut everyone out. That might be the worst thing to do." Once again, she doesn't know if she's saying the right thing, exactly, but the words keep coming anyway. "Please, let us try to- maybe not help, or try to fix everything, but just _be_ here. Please."

The look is back, and this time, she doesn't think she can read it at all. She has no idea what he's thinking, only that he's not moving. Fred blinks again, now looking to the door.

Her little speech rings pathetically in her ears. Like she hasn't done enough, or she's done something wrong. There has to be more, right? A plea, or some other idea, or words that help the situation and at least _start_ to bring things back to normal.

But Fred doesn't say anything, and suddenly he has his back to her, and he's walking away.

The bright colors on the walls go past the edge of her vision, but she keeps her eyes on her friend's hat as she follows, trying to get his attention, but Fred ignores her and continues through the store. Odd looks from other customers go unheeded as Honey pushes her way through the exit, squinting against the light outside.

He's already a few steps down the sidewalk, about to be lost in the crowd as others move up and down the street.

She doesn't say 'wait', or 'please', or anything else she's already tried. This time, Honey takes a breath and stops walking.

"What's your plan, Fred?"

There's an edge, a sharpness she hates using in her voice. He stops. "What are you going to do?" she continues. "Because I hate seeing my friends like this. I hate seeing _you_ like this. And I-" Honey can feel tears building up, but she only wipes a hand across her eyes, still staring straight ahead. "And I'm still scared, okay? I'm trying to keep quiet, and I'm trying to make sure nothing gets any worse with Go Go and the others, and I'm trying not to go crazy worrying and imagining what _could_ happen."

He still hasn't turned around. "I know you're hurting. And I'm sure it's worse than I could even imagine. But the truth is, Freddie- we're hurting, too. And if we can't help each other, then what's the point?"

This time, she's the one who turns around and starts walking away.

She looks back, though. After a while. But the streets are busy, and the buildings loom overhead, and she can't see him anymore.


	18. Chapter 18

The Hamada brothers really are a sight to behold.

"You're telling me if I buy one of these automatic hair dryers, you'll also throw in a cheese grater for some reason?" Hiro's voice breaks near the end, but he doesn't even notice, eyes darting to Tadashi with an expectant gleam in his eye and a cheeky grin.

Wasabi gapes. This is... he doesn't know what exactly this is. He's sitting in the living room above the Lucky Cat Café, on the couch facing the TV, while Tadashi lounges in some kind of rotating reclining chair off to one side. Hiro's on the floor, leaning back against the front of the sofa, arms crossed.

Kid likes sitting on the ground, for some reason.

Tadashi takes a minute to respond, and Hiro smiles wider, like he's getting ready for the retaliation. It's not really what Wasabi had in mind when he decided to give Tadashi a ride home after class. Dubbing badly acted infomercials with the volume off? That's- well, it's kinda funny, but it's also... kind of really lame?

He nixes the thought as soon as it appears. None of them ever claimed to be the coolest students in the world, he reminds himself.

"Well, not quite." Tadashi's staring at the screen, where a balding man is trying way too hard to look enthusiastic. " _That_ part of the deal only applies if you buy five hundred of the original product!"

Cackling, Hiro doesn't miss a beat. "But Rick-" The woman in the commercial is clearly asking something, with over-the-top hand waving and everything. "-who would possibly need five hundred hair dryers?"

The actor smiles and holds up a hand, like he's making a point. But Tadashi lowers his voice to a sudden whisper. "...Do you think this is a freaking game?"

Wasabi jumps at the peal of laughter coming from Hiro's direction- he's falling forward, actually holding his sides and everything. Undaunted, Tadashi continues. "I'm not playing around, _Marcia._ You want to get in the big leagues? Want to make it to the top? Then you _don't ask questions like that._ "

"Oh my God, dude," Hiro rasps, and he's holding a hand to his stomach, like it's an effort just to gasp in breaths of air. "Oh my _God_."

"What, uh, what's actually happening right now?" Wasabi asks meekly.

The infomercial switches to a bunch of neon-yellow numbers against a jarring blue backdrop, and Tadashi shifts his tone, voice reverting to a peppy car salesman. "Now let's get back to these low, low prices! Order now, and you can get this amazing deal for only-" Wasabi watches in amusement as he pointedly ignores the actual price, reading off the phone number instead. "-One billion, eight hundred million, _five-hundred-fourty-three thousand, seventeen-fifty-eight dollars!"_

Still chuckling, Hiro does his best to jump back in. "That's a great deal, Rick, but I still have one more question." He takes a deep breath. "How'd you get into my house?"

Dumbfounded, Wasabi stares at Tadashi, who doesn't miss a beat- even with the abrupt change in topic. "Well, Marcia, the answer to that is simple. I just broke a window!"

"Wow!" Now Hiro's doing the over-the-top happy voice too. "That's actually crazy! I think I'm gonna call the cops!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS CRAZY THESE LOW LOW PRICES!" He yells it in a single sentence, rushed and jumbled together, and Hiro is _gone_ \- he topples over onto Wasabi's foot, laughing so hard he can't do anything but sort of roll forward to the middle of the floor. Helplessly, Wasabi looks up at his friend, pointing to the kid with a gesture of _How did I end up in the middle of this?_ But Tadashi's laughing too, probably more at Hiro's antics than anything else, and he just shrugs.

Wasabi tries to put as much deadpan into his voice as he can. "So this is, like, a normal Monday afternoon for you guys?"

"Okay, okay!" Hiro does his best to get the giggling under control, and sits back up just in time for the woman in the infomercial to frown with a questioning expression. "If I buy five hundred hair dryers and a cheese grater, will you finally leave me alone?"

The man smiles, and even nods, which Tadashi ignores completely. "Actually, no! Like a mythical creature, I can only be banished by answering a series of riddles!"

It's weird, Wasabi reflects, even as Hiro pounds his fist against the ground and chortles like a baying hyena. He's seen these two wildly angry at each other before, stern lectures on one end and resentful rebellion on the other- but somehow, they can just fall back into being the best of friends.

He's pretty sure Hiro doesn't have a lot of peers his own age, either, so the bond ends up being even stronger, probably. And when the commercial's over and Hiro scrambles up to head back to the attic, and Tadashi offers a casual fist bump without even looking away from the TV, he realizes that it's just as strong the other direction, too.

Tadashi would do anything for his brother.

"You have," Wasabi says as he checks his phone. "Officially replaced Fred as the goofiest person I know." Nothing. He pockets the device and glances up, where Tadashi has taken the words with a blank look.

"Huh?" He shakes his head. "Oh... yeah. Sure." Grinning again, he reaches over to hit Wasabi on the shoulder. "Hey, thanks again for the ride."

Or, at least, that's what he's _attempting_ to do, Wasabi figures. Tadashi hasn't gotten up from the chair, and it's kind of far from the couch, so right now he's awkwardly stretching over the gap between and waving his fist closer and closer. "No problem," he says, pointedly not moving any closer, preferring to watch his friend struggle. "If you didn't take the moped, how'd you get there this morning?"

Tadashi finally gives up. "Tram," he replies, linking his hands on top of his head. "You should try it sometime. Most of the time, no one even _tries_ to steal your money."

"Oh, ha ha." He shoots him a glare. It's pretty much become a group hobby to make fun of how cautious he is. "That's not the reason, and you know it. It's unpredictable. Last time I rode, I ended up twenty minutes late to class."

"Fair enough." Tadashi shrugs, and just for a moment, they enter into one of the odd moments of semi-awkward silence that can happen even with good friends. Wasabi's not the most talkative person in the world, but usually one of the others can pick up the slack- so now, with just the two of them, it's quiet.

Plus, there are no 'low, low prices' to jump-start conversation. The thought makes him chuckle, and Tadashi looks back over. In answer, he nods to the TV. "That was pretty ridiculous."

"I know, right? I surprised myself." The smug grin's back in place. "Big brother's prerogative: make the little brother laugh so hard he starts choking."

"I guess." Something about the previous events makes him stop for a second. "...How's he doing, by the way?"

"Hm?"

Fidgeting, Wasabi rubs the back of his neck. "Well, last time we talked, you mentioned that he was..."

Tadashi's smile fades. "Oh. Right."

It wasn't much. A passing comment in the school's cafeteria, back before the party. Something about Hiro's tendency to sneak out late and- at least potentially- get himself in trouble. Looking at the older brother now, though, Wasabi feels the sinking realization that it's more serious than he thought. Tadashi doesn't make eye contact, looking off into the distance. "It's not getting better," he finally says. "He, uh... he was there again, Saturday night."

Wasabi frowns. He doesn't know the illegal back-alley world of San Fransokyo's bot-fighting scene from personal experience, but he's also not oblivious. The thought of someone as young as Hiro tangled up in all that... it makes his skin crawl. "You sure?"

"Yeah." Tadashi breathes deep, as if he's thinking hard about what to say next. "It- I'm starting to get really worried. I mean, he's not loud about it, and I don't think he's in any danger or anything, but... how do you _know_ , you know?"

And this is the other side of the coin, Wasabi realizes. TV and jokes on a sunny afternoon are only the surface- there's something more at the heart of the brothers, something that gives one the power to worry the other one sick. Memories of his own siblings spring to life, and he shakes his head in agreement. "Right."

"I just don't know what to do." Rubbing a hand over his forehead, he falls further back into the chair. "He keeps hitting up these stupid fights, and I can't- I mean, it's not like I can physically keep him from going! I can't lock him in the house or something."

Wasabi exhales. "What does your aunt think?"

He drags his hands down, pulling at his eyelids. "She doesn't know. I mean, she suspects, but- I mean, I'm not gonna just turn around and tattle on the guy."

"...You're not?"

"Of course not!" Indignant, Tadashi sits up. "We're brothers, man. I won't go and..." He falters at Wasabi's skeptical look. Grumbling under his breath, he falls against the chair again. "Already tried. Hiro lied through his teeth and got out of it."

"Huh." He scratches at his ear, looking back at their reflections in the now-blank television. "That's... kind of a problem."

"I'm worried, man," Tadashi says again. He sounds like it, too, lowering his voice slightly and leaning forward with his elbows against his knees. "He could end up doing something crazy, or he could get hurt, and- and it's like he has no idea!" Genuinely frustrated now, he's getting more worked up. "I don't get it. This whole _shifty_ thing, and trying to sneak around and sometimes just lying to people outright, and- and I don't know why! He thinks he has to hide something from everyone, but no one's out to _get_ him, you know? Everyone just wants to help him! We're his closest friends, and he's just acting like he doesn't even care!"

...That's starting to sound oddly familiar. Wasabi frowns. Is he... still talking about Hiro?

"Who doesn't care?"

Tadashi nearly jumps at the voice, and spins around just as fast. Hiro's standing in the entry to the room, with a confused half-frown and one eyebrow raised. For a moment, Wasabi is treated to a rare moment of 'Tadashi Hamada has no idea what to say', and even though it's pretty hilarious, he cuts it short. "One of our friends," he says quickly. "He was at the party- you met him, I think." Glancing quickly towards Tadashi, he adds, "Guy's acting a little strange."

"...Oh." Hiro scratches his head, looking surprised. "Yeah, I kinda thought so, too." A beat of silence passes, then he directs his attention back to his brother. "Hey, are you still up for going to that comic store?"

Still somewhat baffled, Tadashi nods quickly. "Y-yeah! Definitely."

"Cool. I'll grab my jacket." He heads back up the stairs.

The footsteps bounce off the creakier steps, and Tadashi exhales quietly. "...Huh."

"Yeah." Glancing to his friend, Wasabi frowns. "It did sound like you were talking about Fred, there, at the end."

"I... guess I kind of was?" He reaches up to rub his head, wide-eyed. "Thanks for the save."

"Don't mention it." Okay, now the silence is definitely more awkward. Wasabi coughs and glances toward the stairs, as if expecting Hiro to immediately appear again. He hasn't really worried too much about Fred and everything, but the whole situation is clearly still weighing on his friends. He sighs. "So we're back to that, then."

Shrugging, Tadashi puts on a half-amused, half-annoyed expression, as if he's bothered by what he's about to say. "You gotta admit, though, something's up."

"That's what I thought last week." Wasabi hesitates, then decides to plunge forward, even if it only makes things more complicated. "...But I talked to him on Saturday, and he seemed fine."

"Wait, really?" His friend's forehead creases the way it does when he's not angry, but trying to work through a problem. "I saw him at the school Saturday, and he was- he was pretty much the opposite of fine."

Geez, this is a nightmare. Wasabi grimaces and rubs at his eyes- what exactly did Fred say during the phone call? Honey Lemon was pretty worried, but Fred seemed okay, as far as he could tell... He's not going to be able to keep track of all this if it gets much worse.

"And now Go Go's mad about the whole thing," Tadashi continues, obviously as sick of it all as his friend. "And for some reason, Honey Lemon isn't even talking to anybody, so _that's_ a big help-"

"Huh? Honey?" Now completely lost, Wasabi stares at him. "...Dude, I was just talking to her. Saturday again, I think."

For a second, he doesn't respond at all, a look of pure confusion on his face. Then, he throws his hands up. "I officially have no idea what's going on," Tadashi says loudly. "I'm out. Seriously, I'm done."

About to respond, Wasabi is interrupted by more footsteps. This time, Hiro must have been more careless making his way down the stairs, because they hear him long before he pokes into the living room. "Ready?" he asks Tadashi, hands jammed into the pockets of his hoodie.

Tadashi smiles again- Wasabi wonders if he's relieved to think about something more straightforward and positive than his friends' drama. "Sure thing," he says, and stands up to head towards the front of the room, clapping Hiro on the shoulder as he passes-

-and the kid winces loudly, even pulling away. Startled, Tadashi jerks his hand back. "Whoa, what- are you-"

There's a look of near-panic in Hiro's eyes as he tries to pretend it didn't happen. "Uh, nothing! It's nothing. Just, um-" He coughs and looks off to the side. "I- I tripped. Going over a curb. It wasn't- it was stupid, I..."

He breaks off into quiet mumbling, and Tadashi's face slowly turns from concern to suspicion. Wasabi starts as the elder brother gives him a meaningful look. "...Well, I'm gonna get going," he says, probably a little too brightly. "Grab a latte and hit the road."

"All right," Tadashi says with a grateful nod. "Thanks again."

"See you tomorrow, I guess." He starts down the stairs. The discussion behind him starts before he's reached the café level- he tries his best not to listen to business that isn't his, even when the voices get to sounding more angry.

Very briefly, Wasabi's worried. Then it hits him that everyone seems to be worried about everyone else lately, and that's half the problem right there.

He doesn't end up buying that latte.

* * *

 **Sorry for the radio silence. This story ain't dead.**


	19. Chapter 19

This time, it isn't the pounding in his head. It's not the wild thoughts, or the numb sadness that feels like it's hanging over his shoulders and arms. He's just mad.

It builds up until he feels like he's shaking, until he's scolding himself for every mistake he's made with Honey and with Tadashi and everyone else. And no matter how hard he tries, he can't think of what to do next, because no matter what, he's trapped by everything he's feeling and thinking.

It's pathetic, really, and he knows it. Even with all of them reaching out to him, he still can't stop feeling alone.

So this time, he doesn't even think about it. This time, he's leaving, and it doesn't matter where he goes, because he's probably not coming back until four or five in the morning, because he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, because the feeling doesn't stop, so he'll end up exhausted and more angry, so everything will just get worse, because that's all it can do, because that's all _he_ can do is just make everything worse over and over-

"Excuse me, young master."

Fred blinks. One hand's already on the doorknob, and it takes a few seconds to come back to the surface and realize who's speaking. "...Heathcliff," he says quietly. "What's up?"

"I only meant to inform you that I'm retiring for the evening," the voice continues. Fred still hasn't turned around, gazing blankly at the closed main door in front of him.

"Yeah. Sure."

He waits for footsteps, out of the foyer and down the endless hallways of the mansion. Instead, there's silence, then a dignified cough. "I do not mean to overstep my bounds, Master Frederick."

This isn't what he needs. Dimly, he almost can't believe it's happening. Yet another conversation, and another disappointment? Another person calling him out on his bullshit? But he can't bring himself to shut him down. "Go for it, man," he says lightly, and it's like he's listening to someone else speak. "Step all over those bounds."

"I consider it my duty to look after the well-being of not only this estate, but your family, as well."

Fred's heart sinks. It's obvious where this is going.

"I won't ask you if something is wrong." Heathcliff pauses. "But I do wish to remind you that, should you ever need assistance, I would be glad to help in any way I can."

...

Heh. Well, that's certainly enough to get him thinking.

And that's it. Heathcliff doesn't say anything else, and Fred has to smile, because it was blunt, and succinct, and honestly kind of awkward- when he turns and looks at the butler, the man's even got a semi-uncomfortable grimace on his face, like he's trying to offer an encouraging smile but hasn't had to in a long time so he doesn't quite remember how.

A short chuckle escapes, and he shakes his head. "God, dude, you're the best."

Heathcliff raises an eyebrow. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"No, no, I'm not- it's-" Giving up, Fred shrugs and lets the grin fall away. "...Thanks."

A beat of silence. Then: "Anytime. Dude."

It gets another burst of laughter, and now Fred's genuinely grinning, because those words sounded _all kinds_ of wrong with that voice. He doesn't have anything particularly clever to say in return, and the moment passes. Heathcliff still hasn't left.

Finally, he sighs. "Just, uh... You know, friend stuff. Drama. Probably don't wanna hear about it." Once again, only half a lie. He's getting pretty good at those, as well as the full-fledged ones.

Heathcliff's blink is impassive, and he doesn't say anything. Not agreeing, or disagreeing, but waiting. Fred meets the stare for a while, then sighs.

He wants to ask for help.

He really does. And why not Heathcliff? It's literally part of the guy's job. But he's never... he can't fathom the idea of explaining this again. Especially not after everything with Honey Lemon.

No, he can't tell him the worst of it. But maybe he can still reach out.

"I just- it's kind of a mess right now. Everyone's mad at everyone, and I..." Scowling, he leans back against the door. "I feel like it's my fault." Silence, and this time he doesn't move his gaze to meet Heathcliff's look. "Whenever I try to talk to- I just end up getting mad, and I can't- I just can't."

The quiet isn't helping. It feels oppressive, like someone- not Heathcliff, but someone- is watching him, judging him, telling him how _stupid_ and _useless_ this is. Gritting his teeth, he tries to start over. "Look, I- I said some stuff. It was, uh, it was really out of line. And now I can't fix it. I can't do _anything_ , feels like. I try, and I try not to worry about everything, and I try not to be so angry and freaked out, but it's-"

 _It's always there, haunting, and I can't get away, because how do you run from your own thoughts?_

His eyes widen. He almost slipped, just now, and if he's not careful he might say something that really gets the butler worried, because he's _obviously_ not just talking about an argument with friends anymore.

But he's stuck. He can't say another word, and his mind's racing again, and he has no way to tell if Heathcliff noticed or not.

...

"I fear I must disappoint, young master."

The man looks down for a moment, still as regal and composed as ever. Then he sighs. "As you suspected, the complexities of your social life are somewhat lost on me."

It takes Fred a minute, but eventually, it makes sense. He's saying he doesn't know how to help. He fights the urge to berate himself; really, what was he thinking? Why burden Heathcliff with his problems? And why obscure the truth even more? This was a mistake, just like everything has been recently.

"However," Heathcliff continues, and Fred straightens. There's a hesitant, but somehow caring tone in his voice. "I believe you may be mistaking your thoughts and feelings for who you truly are."

Something about the words makes him pause.

"Those elements may be... overwhelming." He's speaking slowly. Carefully. Like he's choosing exactly what to say, and how to say it. "I'm afraid I don't know to exercise perfect control over your own mind."

It's so tempting to panic, because that's _exactly what he's been so afraid of-_

"But no matter the circumstance..." Heathcliff looks down, and Fred wonders if he's remembering something from his own life. Or maybe even something the butler once told his father. "You can choose how you respond. You are not your darkest fears, Master Frederick. There is a world of difference between your thoughts, and your actions."

...

...

...

He turns the words over in his head, all too conscious of the way they seem to clear everything else off to the side. For now, at least. It might not help, in the end. Maybe.

The somewhat-awkward look is back, like Heathcliff didn't originally intend to say all that. Once again, he gives a slight cough.

Fred finally finds his voice. "...Yeah." It feels like his head is- not spinning, or overwhelmed, but somehow full. Sluggish. Like he's not entirely sure what he's thinking. Even so, he tries to put on a small smile. "Thanks, H." Once again, he moves his hand to the doorknob.

"If I may, Master Frederick."

This time, he can hear worry. Fred shuts his eyes, praying that the man isn't going to tell him to make things right with his friends. He just... he can't think about that right now. He can't throw it on top of everything else.

"Far be it from me to monitor your activities," Heathcliff says quietly. "But might I suggest getting some sleep tonight?"

He blinks. Is his mind empty, or is it full? Lies or truth? Helping or not?

Trapped, or just afraid?

Then Heathcliff's question resonates, and he laughs again, and turns away from the door.


	20. Chapter 20

It's a different dream. Not the one he's afraid of.

He doesn't remember the exact moment he falls asleep, but his mind is content. Relaxed. The quiet is peaceful, and he savors the moment.

Time passes.

First, in gaps and stretches and blips of awareness, is a story. Nothing he'll remember when he wakes up- a supervillain laughing above a city skyline, spaceships sailing in the depths of the ocean, lions racing through a hall of mirrors. Images jump in and out of existence. Once or twice, he latches onto the thought that it's all a dream, but it darts out of reach again.

Next, there's nothing. Time passes-

Time passes-

-and suddenly he's focused on a single idea, filling up his thoughts until he can practically see it. One detail. A vision that draws him in and begins to build the dream around itself, becoming more and more real.

Chains. He starts, panicking, trying to stand up and understand what's happening, but the metal pins his wrists together, holding him down against the ground, or- is it the wall? He can't see the room around him, and it's changing anyway. Dark corners, now white and sterile, and there's a window, he's sure of it, but then it's gone and there's nothing but iron bars pushing in, closer and closer.

He's had this dream before, hasn't he?

He tries to move. The chains draw tighter, hurting, cutting into his arms, and he realizes what it means, what it all means, because there's always that one moment in the dream when he suddenly understands _exactly why he's here-_

And he can't stop it. He knows what will happen. It's happening anyway.

He looks up, and the only thing he can feel is dread because his friends will be there, glaring, spitting, cursing. Their eyes will burn into his memory, forever assuring him that this is what he deserves... and they aren't there. There's no one.

For an instant, he's relieved _just like every time_ , but then he freezes again _just like every time_ because there's something he hasn't considered _just like-_

Hate and anger and disgust don't scare him anymore, because the dream always makes them give way to something darker, and it crawls down his spine as dark spots swirl in his sight. They're gone. Everyone's just... gone. As if they all left, all at once, because they were so horrified that they couldn't stomach the thought of seeing him here.

He's utterly alone.

None of it matters anymore- the chains fade, and the room is gone, and he doesn't see anything, but it _doesn't matter_ because the feeling is so overwhelming, the sensation so strong, the loss and abandonment and fear pounding away at his mind while he blindly tries to...

...

...tries to...

...

...There's nothing. No escape, no thought, no dream, no action that can fix anything. He can't move. He can't think. He can't feel anything else but this.

Fred wakes up.

[]

 **A while back, in a chapter blurb or a review response or something, I said that this story wouldn't get graphic. That's still true in the sense that I'm not going to describe anything explicitly- for example, I think a story could imply that one character has physically abused another without literally showing that in a scene. However, in one sense, that story _is_ still mature, because of what the plot includes.**

 **...With that in mind, I can still say this story won't be graphic. But this premise is already dark, and it will get darker.**


	21. Chapter 21

The garage helps him think. Maybe it's having a bigger space to work with, or maybe it's the cool nighttime air that comes in through the open door. Either way, it's better than the desk up in the attic. And Aunt Cass hasn't really needed a car of her own, living in the same building as her job and all, so nothing's taking up room except the moped, leaving an impromptu study space.

Tadashi twirls a pen between his fingers, staring vacantly at the sheet of notes under the study lamp. Getting data for a project? Easiest thing in the world, it seems like. Marking down the relevant information, seeing the connections, figuring out what it means practically... he's a pro. It's never been tough for him.

Slowly, his gaze moves over to the laptop, where a blank document is still glaring-white.

Organizing that information into a formal report? Absolutely impossible, for some reason. Not for the first time, he wishes Professor Kagome would just let her students give an _oral_ presentation. He'll stand in front of the class and explain graphs on a Powerpoint any day.

Finally, he drops the pen altogether, pushing off the floor so the rolling chair scoots across the empty space. The chair spins slowly, and he lets out his breath while looking vacantly towards the ceiling.

He might as well be honest with himself. Homework isn't the real reason he's having trouble focusing. He can feel the weight of his cell phone in his pocket, because it's practically become a symbol of everything that's been going wrong-

" _No no no nono NO-"_ A string of frantic whispering is cut off by a door slamming shut. Suddenly alert, Tadashi can hear a sharp intake of breath, then a moment of silence, as if someone's waiting to make sure nobody is stirring.

Then, footsteps.

...If there's one thing Tadashi has grown to recognize over the years, it's the very specific sound of Hiro Hamada trying to sneak out.

He barely has to leave the garage. Sure enough, he can see a figure slipping away from the restaurant, hands jammed in the pockets of a hoodie. There isn't much ground to cover before he'll get to the street, so Tadashi sighs and hisses as loudly as he dares, "Smooth move, ace."

"GOD!" Hiro practically leaps out of his skin, and he's almost tempted to laugh- it was _perfect_ , he must've jumped two feet in the air- but soon the kid's glaring at him, clearly embarrassed for getting caught, and embarrassed for getting scared, and probably just embarrassed in general. He pulls the hood down over his forehead and glances toward the road, but seems to understand that there's no sneaking away anymore, so a facepalm and some muttered grumbling are all he gives for a response.

"Good try." Tadashi shakes his head while walking closer. "Pro tip, though: maybe hold onto the door so it doesn't wake up the whole block?"

"I wasn't- I just-" Hiro seems to give up in a huff. "Why are you even out here?"

"Studying. You know, for school. But you're too smart for that, aren't you?" His brother gives him a mutinous scowl for an instant, but quickly breaks eye contact and starts back toward the house. "Hey! What were we _just_ talking about today?"

Turning, Hiro's eyes flare like he wants to say something- instead, though, he shrugs lamely. "Look, man, I really don't wanna get into it right now."

"Oh, _you_ don't? _You're_ tired of dealing with all this?" Anger's slipping into his voice, and he takes a second to rein it in, keeping the volume low. "Believe me, Hiro, I'm not exactly having the time of my life here."

"Great. So drop it."

He blinks. "Drop it? You're getting hurt! Do you seriously not see that?"

"It's not-" Hiro falters, but still seems determined. "I'm fine."

"Really? What, the bruise on your shoulder magically got better? So quick you don't even remember how it got there?"

The look Hiro gives him could stop traffic, but he's practically used to it by now. "What am I supposed to do, bonehead? You want me to put a tracker in your shoes or something?"

"No!"

"Then what? What should I do?"

Finally, Hiro throws up his hands. "I don't know, try _not_ freaking out! What's your problem, dude?"

He takes a second to get in front of his brother, keeping him from just darting into their home, and makes sure to grab the other shoulder. "I'm trying to keep you safe!"

Hiro roughly throws his hand off. "I don't _need_ you to keep me safe!" He stops, a look of panic in his eyes, and he quickly turns back to stare up at the windows of the café like he's worried Aunt Cass might have heard the outburst. Or maybe he's taking a second to think over what he says next. "You always do this... thing," he says more quietly, voice still full of venom. "You think just because you're older, and just because you- you never get in trouble or anything, you know what's best. You're _smarter_."

"Hiro, that's not-"

"But guess what? I can take care of myself, okay? I don't need you looking over my freaking shoulder all the time! And I don't need you telling me what I can't do!"

He switches tactics. "So what, you think _you_ know best? You think you're smarter than the people who just want to help you?"

"Yeah!"

There's a beat of silence. Hiro's face is kind of pale, but he locks his jaw back and doesn't blink- he's clearly going to stick with it, even it if kind of scares him. "I know what I'm doing, alright?" he says. "Everyone's always talking about how bright I am, and how I'm a goddamn _genius_. So stop treating me like a little kid!"

...Dear God. Tadashi blinks for a moment, then turns back to the street and rubs at his eyes, because that was a loaded statement if ever he's heard one. Did they seriously make him think that? Is this partially his and Cass's fault, for constantly building him up and praising his intelligence? He has no idea how to unpack that information, and on top of everything else in his already-exhausted brain, he feels like he can't deal with this.

"Well?" There's still an unsteady shaking in Hiro's voice, but he glares at him anyway. "You wanted to talk, right?"

"You-" He tries to breathe deep, tries to think, but he can't seem to come up with any coherent argument. "Hiro, you can't keep- I can't take much more of this. Right now, I'm just- I'm not-"

" _You?!"_ Incredulous, his brother takes a step closer. "Wait, this is about you? So you're gonna get mad at me 'cause you can't figure out your stupid friend problems?" He takes a swing at Tadashi's arm, but he's so worked up and unfocused that there's no real force behind it. " _Screw_ this, man!"

Face red, he spins and heads back to the café, and Tadashi can only stare as his form becomes a dark silhouette against the light over the front door. Friend problems. It's not the first time the two worlds have overlapped, but now it has him thinking even more. When Hiro gets mad at him and Aunt Cass, he's drawn to the fights to let off steam. But the fights are why they're mad to begin with...

And the same could be said about-

 _Who else gets upset with everyone, then withdraws and tries to avoid them? Which is exactly what they're worried about in the first place!_

As Hiro does his best to silently open the door and slip inside, Tadashi starts to follow. He's debated if he's being too controlling in the past- if he should ease up on the lectures, and let Hiro live his own life. But hell if he's not going to keep trying to get through to the kid now. _Especially_ now.

Maybe everyone thinks they know what's best for them. Maybe everyone thinks they don't need help.

Even as his heart sinks when he walks in the entryway, even as Cass strides down the stairs and demands to know what on _earth_ is going on with all the shouting, even as Hiro trips over his own feet he's so surprised- even as a long and complicated explanation starts up, Tadashi realizes something else.

He has to talk to Fred, and he has to do it face-to-face. It's time to stop dancing around all this.


	22. Chapter 22

_=HL_

 _=come on HL wake up_

 _=look im realy sorry_

 _..._

 _=yeh i guess it's like 4 in the morning isnt it_

 _=im just_

 _=couldn sleep_

 _=well, i could but_

 _..._

 _=damnit_

 _..._

 _=i know you'r probaly mad and i get that_

 _=an i'm sorry for avoiidng u_

 _=nd for the comic shop_

 _=but seriosly im kind of freakking out r/n_

 _=can we just talk_

 _=pleas wake up_

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 **-Fred?**

...

...

...

 _=oh my god_

 _=sht shit shti i didnt mean to_

 _=god_

 _=im so sorry_

 **-Fred, what's going on?**

 _=you weren't_

 _=i wasn't trying to_

 _=i hit the wrong one_

 _=fcuk_

 **-Jesus, just... calm down. Okay? Just calm down for a second.**

 **-Now, seriously, what the hell are you talking about?**

 **-Fred?**

 **-Fred**

...

...

...

He throws his phone across the room.


	23. Chapter 23

"Hey."

Honey Lemon looks up, about to respond.

And then she doesn't, because she suddenly can't think of anything to say, and she knows her eyes are wide and her mouth is probably hanging open like an idiot and she's not really _doing_ anything. She's just sitting at one of the lab's work stations, staring at the room's entrance with a completely blank look on her face.

She never _meant_ to avoid Go Go. It just... sort of happened. And now, as one of her closest friends approaches, she realizes she has no idea what to do. It's not a situation she finds herself in often.

One of the fluorescent lights flickers a bit while she's walking. There's a scowl on her face, but it's not the indignation that Wasabi sometimes shows. It's not the shocked anger Honey has seen in Tadashi more than once. It's something more cool, and pointed, and something that knows exactly what it's searching for.

Go Go is holding her cell phone. Honey stands and finally croaks out a 'Hi'.

"So. Explanation."

No one else is in the lab. The multiple, connected rooms are empty; only a few regulars ever try to get anything done this early in the morning. Honey's class doesn't even start for another twenty minutes. She was counting on no one showing up.

Especially not her.

Go Go raises her eyebrows. "Well?"

She has _no_ idea what she means by 'explanation'. "Um, Go Go..." she says hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

"Been better." She's just standing there, and now her arms are crossed. Honey hasn't seen her really, truly pissed in a while- it's much ends up more controlled than people expect. "Let's look at the last couple days," she says. "No one's been able to reach Fred, you're being cagey as hell, Tadashi Hamada is about to lose his freaking mind-"

Go Go holds up her phone. "And then, Fred accidentally texts me at four-twenty-six in the goddamn morning, saying he's sorry for everything and he needs your help."

...

That particular sentence takes awhile to sink in. Honey turns it over in her head, and the surprise is slow and muffled, like a series of thoughts finally becoming clearer. So- so he wanted to talk to her? He wanted to apologize?

He's... trying to move forward. She wonders if she finally got through to him. But at the same time, if he was asking for help in the middle of the night, then-

Oh, no. "Is he okay?" she says in a rush. "Did he say what's wrong?"

A beat of cold silence. "I have no idea," Go Go says, bitterness clear in her voice. "He freaked out and wouldn't talk to me. So we're back to square one."

This could be bad. She was mad at him, sure, but it sounds like something's really wrong. Without thinking, Honey grabs for her own phone; she has to talk to him, has to make sure he's alright, because if he's trying to reach out then they _have to help_.

"Look, I'm getting really sick of asking the same question over and over!" Go Go's staring her down, not looking away for an instant. "You obviously know what's going on. Just- why can't he talk to anyone? Why can't _you_ tell me? _"_

Nothing. No messages, no calls- he must have stopped trying after texting Go Go by mistake. But the weight of what she just said suddenly hits Honey, because she's been just as bad as him. Not only keeping secrets, but dodging questions and avoiding friends, going about _everything_ the wrong way and making the confusion and misunderstandings even worse. She's never even considered how frustrating and stressing it must be from Go Go's perspective, seeing everyone acting so strangely without a hint of explanation.

...It has to be _awful_.

Go Go must take her silence for stubbornness, because she presses on. "Well? Spill!" she demands. "I don't know if you think you're the only one who gets to know what's happening, or the only one who can do anything about it, or the only one who _cares_ and gets _worried_ -" Abruptly, she stops, and bows her head, and seems to press her thumb and forefinger over the bridge of her nose like she has a headache.

Honey's known her a long time, though. And she sees her wiping at her eyes before she goes on. "But you're not," she says quietly, now looking at the floor in between them. "You're not."

"I-" _I know_ , she wants to say. _Of course I know._ But she can't say it, because Go Go will just ask why she's keeping everything a secret, then, and she'll be left with nothing but the truth: she made him a promise, and she just can't explain.

It won't be enough. She'll just be more hurt, and she'll feel even more like her friends are shoving her away.

Are they?

...

...

...

Fred's standing in the entrance to the lab.

...

...

...

It hasn't been that long, but the comic shop feels like months ago, and Honey's completely immobile with shock. He's just... _here_ , staring at them both with as much surprise as she feels- Go Go finally turns to see him, and since she's between the two of them, Honey can't see her face.

Fred, though, looks worn out. He clearly hasn't gotten enough sleep, and she can pick out faint circles under his eyes. He's still not saying anything. Honey tries to calm down- there's relief along with the confusion, because he's fine, and he obviously got through whatever was freaking him out the night before.

He seems shaky, and somehow fragile, but he looks at Go Go and tries to carry himself straighter. "H-hey," he says, and it almost sounds... determined?

Honey suddenly knows what he's going to do. He might have come to campus to talk to her, but now that Go Go's here, he's-

 _He's not ready. She's not ready. Can he really-_

The light from the windows is growing brighter, some part of her mind notices. Classes will be starting before long. Students and professors arriving. This isn't the time or the place! Fred can't just...

But wouldn't it be a good thing? Isn't this a step forward? She can't decide, can't make sense of everything she's thinking; and suddenly it's all playing out in front of her, like a dream.

Go Go's asking again, angrier this time, and Fred keeps nodding, like he's accepting some kind of punishment. It all comes out, the same things she asked Honey, everything that's been plaguing the group for days now.

Why'd you stop answering your phone?

Why are our friends acting so weird?

What's your problem?

The last one hits her, and she tries to jump in. Worried, she steps slightly between them and tells Go Go to tone it down, but Fred says it's alright, and-

And then he starts saying something. A noise, a syllable, a single breath of sound before his voice catches and he has to close his eyes and wait for the shudder to pass.

Honey's _so_ afraid, and Go Go seems so angry, and Fred... looks so weak, and afraid, and ready to collapse-

"What's the point?"

It's nearly silent, and Honey strains to hear it again. Fred's mouth is barely moving, like he's whispering it to himself and trying to hold onto the thought in his own mind. "If we can't help each other, what's the point?" Impossibly quiet. She can't tell if Go Go heard it or not.

Wait, those were _her_ words-

...

He said it. He already said it.

Distracted, she missed the exact words, but she knows he said it when he opens his eyes, and when Go Go unconsciously steps back. It's like the entire room is holding its breath. Honey keeps looking back and forth, from one of her friends to the other, and she feels like she should _say_ something, but- what? She's dying to know what Go Go is thinking. She's shocked, obviously, but that's all Honey can tell.

 _Please don't get mad, please, I'm begging you, he absolutely needs us to help, or at least not turn away from him, please, don't get mad don't get mad DON'T-_

Go Go reaches out and shoves Fred in the chest.

It's quick, so much so that she almost doesn't see it. But Go Go's pretty strong, and suddenly Fred's crashing into the desks behind him- Honey jerks forward, alarmed, but now Go Go glares at her, one hand pointed forward. "You- I can't believe-"

She's caught in her thoughts, it looks like, and she keeps trying to start the words anew. "I'm not- it- you're-" She's mad, she's _so furiously mad,_ worse than Honey's seen before, but she doesn't finish whatever she's trying to say. It'd be better if she did.

Waiting is worse. Wondering is worse. Because Go Go's eyes are flickering wildly between the two of them, and her face is red, and Honey doesn't know what she's thinking. She's always been able to read people, but right now, she can't tell.

Then she looks back to Fred, and her heart sinks, because she _can_ read him.

He's on the ground, back against the base of the desk. Staring up at her, he looks somehow defeated, as if he's giving up on something- but that's not it, she realizes. It's that he took a risk, and it looks like it failed.

"Why didn't-" Go Go turns to her, with a hurt and betrayed and fierce spark in her eyes. "Why'd you-" Finally, shaking her head, she storms past them both and leaves the lab completely.

 _She's mad because we kept secrets. She's mad because we avoided her._

 _It's not because she hates him. She's not rejecting him._

 _...Please._

Honey doesn't know who it's directed towards, but the word keeps making its way through her thoughts. Please, please, _please_ say she's only angry for one reason, not another.

"Oh my God," a voice mumbles, and she turns to Fred so quickly it hurts- she's kneeling down, one hand on his shoulder, asking if he's okay, trying to make sure he didn't hit his head on the desk when he fell.

Both his hands are pressed against his face. "No, I'm- fine," he says, and his voice is smaller than usual. "I'm fine."

...No one's fine, right now. Honey sighs, and because she doesn't know what else to do, turns so she's sitting beside him, backed up against the metal surface of the desk's front. Fred still has his head in his hands, and he's breathing so evenly that she knows he's doing everything in his power to calm himself down.

Eventually, when a few more minutes have passed, she coughs. "Hey."

Fred flinches when she touches his shoulder again, but doesn't move away. Slowly, he moves his hands so she can see his face. "Yeah?"

She hesitates, because 'I'm sorry' doesn't seem to fit, and asking him how he's doing is probably worse. So she says quietly, "That was really brave."

Fred's staring ahead at nothing.

There can't be much time left. Soon, people will be in here, ready to start the day- Honey tries not to think about it. But it's so tempting, to imagine the lab space full of working and studying and laughing and jokes, of Fred messing with Wasabi's latest project and Tadashi trying to find his notes and Go Go doing her best to actually get work done, and of all of them leaving with smiles on their faces, nonsense conversations full of inside jokes, promises to see each other again before long-

It feels like it's been a long time.

"Thanks," Fred says, even more quietly. "I just- I felt like I needed to talk to you." There's a vacant, wistful look in his eyes, and it scares her more than sobbing and raised voices. "I get stuck, sometimes. Like... in my head?" She nods, and he takes a shuddering breath. "And I was talkin' to Heath, and..."

She waits. Finally, he shrugs. "...It doesn't really matter. The point is, um, I think I should-" It's difficult, but she makes herself hold back from asking, or prodding, and just lets him work out the kinks in his own thoughts. His eyes flicker over to see her, just for a second. "I'm really sorry."

Honey blinks. "Wait, what?"

"You were right." He nods a few times, quickly. "You were- definitely right. I need to, like- we need each other, you know? And I shouldn't have said that stuff."

She frowns. "Freddie, don't worry about that."

"No, for real." It's not loud, but insistent. "I think it's important. I wanna get right with you guys. The whole gang." A brief, panicked smile. "I kinda lost it, when I texted Go Go by mistake, but- I dunno, after a couple hours pacing and thinking, I was like- maybe it's for the best?"

Honey has no idea how to respond to that. Fred looks back to the exit, the way Go Go took when she left. "Has to be better than keepin' a bunch of secrets, right?" he says softly. "Even if it doesn't- doesn't work out."

"Besides, I think I'm really gonna need your help."

That's what she told him. The words seem to echo, and she's glad at first, because that's what she wanted him to start thinking all along, because it's _so much better_ than trying to go it alone- but then she stops. Something in that tone makes her eyes widen and her heart speed up. Like he said it while staring over the edge of a cliff.

"Are you... still scared?" she asks, then winces, because it sounds insensitive and intrusive.

Fred blinks. "More than ever."

"Why?"

A pause, like he truly wasn't expecting that. "A few things," he says at last. "It's hard to..."

She moves her hand, doing her best to rub his back gently. He's shaking again, only slightly, like he's trying to come up with the words, or trying to get over his fear and speak them at all. "I can't-"

"It's okay," she says quietly. "It's okay."

"It's like- I wanna say it. I wanna keep talking." His head dips, and his eyes are closed again, as if there's a physical pain. "And at the same time, I really, really don't."

"Right." Still rubbing his back, she tries to stop worrying. Part of her mind is panicked, wondering if she's somehow doing this wrong, but... more than that, more than anything else, she wants to help. Even if she doesn't know what she's doing.

That can't be a mistake, right?

"Okay. Okay, I-" Fred tries to breathe more deeply, then speaks slowly. "...There's never been anything in the world that I can't tell Tadashi."

...

That's not what she expected. And- she starts to feel his fear secondhand, as the thoughts connect. It makes sense. It's obvious to the whole group that the two of them are close friends, and... she asked about Hiro, back at the party. But she never considered any of this connecting to Tadashi in particular.

The only one of Fred's close friends with a younger brother.

That one hurts, and she closes her eyes and lets her head gently fall back against the desk. How's he _living_ with this? She knows they haven't talked about the problem explicitly since that first night, so even though it's been on her mind, she hasn't had to think about it fully. Trying to help him in regards to depression and seclusion is one thing, but...

"But at the same time, I can't-" Fred curls one hand into a fist, then lightly hits it against his knee. "I can't _not_ tell him, because I'm already going crazy, and he's- God, I can't _do_ this."

The way he gets quieter on the last few words makes Honey freeze, just for a second. Then she's back to rubbing his back, just between his shoulders. She thinks very carefully before the next thing she says. "Freddie... I know you said you wanted to tell people yourself..."

She pauses, and he looks at her. Deep breaths. Calm. She gives a small smile, hoping it will come off as encouraging and comforting. "Would you want me to do it?"

Fred doesn't react, at first. He only blinks once, then turns back to look in front of him again. He's considering it, at least, not throwing the idea away outright like she feared he might.

A bell rings over the ceiling's speakers. She flinches at the sudden noise, and Fred simply looks up. "Five minutes left," he says, but makes no attempt to get up. Neither does Honey. Finally, he sighs. "...No. I need to. And I can. I _know_ I can."

After this morning, she believes it. "Yeah."

She can hear a couple of students in the hallway. Out of nowhere, Fred chuckles under his breath. "He'll find out sooner or later anyway," he says with a forced brightness. "He's a pretty smart guy. I mean, him and Hiro are basically racing to see who can create a take-over-the-world robot faster."

Honey laughs, too. And against herself, she wishes they could all go back to that party, when everyone was laughing together. A silly, useless thought, but she can't seem to get rid of it.

So she doesn't. "Hey, um... you're really strong, you know that?"

Another half-smile, like he thinks of it as another joke. "I mean it," Honey says, and leans forward so she's leaning against her knees in front of her. "I should have said this last time. You- this will get better." There should be other words, better words, but she can't think of them right now, so she just pushes forward. "You can get through this," she says, and keeps going even when he looks at her with no light in his eyes. "You're gonna be okay."

Fred pauses. "Do you really think that?"

His voice was... dead, somehow. She couldn't hear any hope, or even suspicion or accusation. The words were just empty. Sadness, hopelessness, resignation- it's all swirling in her mind, and she's angry about it, because everyone feels it sometimes, but it's not supposed to take over your _life_ , and it's not supposed to hurt anyone like this.

She's thought about this stuff, obviously. Not the specifics, but... depression. People hating themselves, scared of the world, not knowing where to turn. No one can go through high school and college without learning at least a little bit about mental problems, she figures. And she's always been eager to help. She's always wanted to be the consoler, the shoulder to cry on, the safe place where her loved ones can take a break from everything and admit how scared they are, how angry they are, how messed-up the whole world seems.

Thinking about it is easy, though. This is different.

This is sick.

The thought makes her flinch, because she doesn't want to be even the slightest bit negative towards him right now. But... it's true. She can't ignore how- how _awful_ the whole thing makes her feel, and not only because Fred's hurting.

Maybe that's the real challenge. Fighting through it, and trying to find a way to help anyway- even when it's something horrible. _Especially_ then.

So she pushes back any hesitation and simply nods.

Fred's gaze flickers down again. "I've tried to- like, research. Y'know. Find stuff." He sounds calmer now, and doesn't seem so panicked. Sitting against the wall, one knee drawn up, he almost looks relaxed.

A joke might be dangerous here, but Honey nudges his elbow anyway. "You?"

And she might be imagining it, but it seems like he waits just a bit too long before giving a small smile. "I know, right? First time for everything."

The grin slips away. "There was a while I tried to find out everything I could. All the science, an' all the different... causes, I guess?"

Honey scoots closer. "And?"

Fred's quiet for a moment. "...We don't, um- we don't change. People like me." Another brief shudder, and he stares at the ground before him. "We can't."

 _Don't say 'we'._

 _Don't say 'can't'._

 _Stop thinking of yourself like that._

But she can't bring herself to say it. She's hit by a pang of despair, and it must be like what he's feeling right now- she can see it in his eyes, that he's just as hurt as he was when Go Go left. This time, though, he seems exhausted. Like he can't take this for much longer.

Something about this is just... unfair.

There are more footsteps in the hallway, and Fred blinks like he just woke up from a dream. "I, uh, I should go," he says too quickly. "And you gotta get to class, right?"

Startled, she starts to stand after he does. "Well, yeah, but it's just class. I mean, if you want to just talk somewhere, I could-"

"No." He shakes his head, with another forced smile, as if he's trying to psyche himself into becoming his old persona again. "Can't keep the Chemistry Queen from her studies, you know?"

"Freddie."

"I'm okay," he says. "I, uh, they don't need me for any school stuff, so I'm gonna... try to catch up on some sleep, I guess." A few students are trickling into the lab, now, quietly moving around a conversation that probably sounds completely normal. Fred moves a hand over his face, then nods once. "Thanks, by the way. For real."

She frowns. "Of course, but... Are you sure?"

He grins. "Yeah. I'm good. I mean, not- not good, but-" After a moment, he shrugs. "Better, anyway."

 _Even after all that?_

"...Okay." Nodding, she moves slightly to avoid a junior who's fixated on her phone, not looking where she's going. "So... I'll see you?"

Fred nods some more, then glances towards the exit. "I'll see you," he repeats. "And, um. I'm gonna talk to him."

It takes her a second. "Wait, today?"

He turns back- is it forced enthusiasm, or real? A mask or not? "Uh-huh," he says with a little of his former swagger. "Gonna drop some truth bombs. Mr. Roboto won't even know what hit him."

She has to giggle. "Mr. Roboto? Seriously?" But the back of her mind worries, because she doesn't know if he's trying too hard to be normal, pretending everything's better and looking like they've had a perfect little moment of friendship and healing. Or it might be real, and she's helping, and things are looking up.

Why is it so hard to tell the difference?

"It's gonna catch on," he says loudly, stepping backwards and nearly colliding with another undergrad. "He's gonna hate it, and it'll be hilarious. Can't wait." A quick wave. "Later!" Still moving backwards, he slips out into the hallway.

...

Honey stands there in the open for a moment, but eventually moves to gather her research on the other side of the lab. The quiz she has after lunch doesn't seem half as important now, and she can't really picture focusing too much in her classes. But maybe she needs a normal day? Or at least, she needs time to process the last half-hour.

What's the alternative, really? Ditch classes and try to force him into more deep conversations? It'd be a miserable failure, but even so, she considers it for a moment.

No. He's... he's moving. He's talking. She helped, probably, but... it's time to take a step back.

And what about Go Go?

Mind full of questions, she stuffs half-memorized note sheets into her backpack, then starts making her way towards the first class of the day.


	24. Chapter 24

Tadashi's leaving the Engineering building when his phone buzzes.

 _=hey_

 _=so_

He almost trips over the curb of the parking lot, eyes glued to his phone in disbelief. This is... not at all what he was expecting. He thought he'd have to endure a bunch more drama/not-drama before Fred would finally talk to him, and suddenly, the guy's reaching out. He scrambles to text back.

 **-Dude! I've been trying to get ahold of you for days.**

Wait. No. He needs a better approach. Fred's probably not in his usual text-jokes-and-insults-and-everything's-fine mood.

 **-I'm not mad or anything, though! Just**

 **-It's**

 **-Crap, that sounded really passive-aggressive, didn't it?**

 **-I didn't mean**

Frowning at the screen, he tries to bring it back to the point. He's usually very focused in person, which makes it even more frustrating when a series of texts gets away from him, and he looks back at the list to realize he's been rambling. Soon, though, Fred answers.

 _=it's fine_

Oh.

Well, okay, then.

 **-Great! I was just wondering what's going on.**

 **-You kinda disappeared after that one conversation.**

After a few minutes without a response, he slips the phone in his pocket and swaps it for his moped key. Originally, the plan was to contact Fred at some point in the evening, but this works.

The twenty-minute drive home is almost half over (and he's being careful, only checking for a new text at red lights- Wasabi would be proud) when he gets another.

 _=i was wondring if we could talk_

 **-For sure. Want to just hang out at the café again, like old times?**

Again, no response for a while. Then:

 _=maybe not your place bro_

 _=i dont really wantto be around_

 _=like_

 _=people_

 **-no problem! How about the park?**

 _=cool_

The response is immediate. Panicked, almost, or desperate. But he tries to curb those thoughts, because there are normal and non-urgent reasons Fred might have texted back right away. Tadashi's probably just overreacting.

Besides, jumping to conclusions over things like text messages... that's kinda what got them into trouble in the first place.

[]

He pulls into the parking lot and kills the bike's engine. When he gets out and finally sees Fred, staring vacantly at the front of a vending machine like he's glad for the distraction, he decides to just go for it; he pushes the worry to the back of his mind and grins at him like nothing's wrong. "Hey, there you are! How's it going?"

Fred jolts, and blinks a lot, and mumbles out some kind of non-answer; yeah, this guy's definitely not alright. Tadashi tries to keep up the usual, cheerful banter while they're walking, ambling over bike paths and through mini-forests that barely fit in the confined limits of the park. The conversation jumps to Hiro, and if Fred's sick of Tadashi always talking about his brother, he doesn't show it- he just nods along as Tadashi casually talks about how the kid's been getting in more trouble, mouthing off to customers and stuff, and how Aunt Cass has been throwing around some ideas of more constructive things he could do with his time, but she's not completely sure how to deal with the dreaded Teen version of Hiro.

But hey, they have a random keyboard in the café now, so Tadashi's thought was that maybe they could have him try his hand at music, something he can't master instantly, and Fred doesn't happen to know anyone who could teach piano, does he?

He says it like he's joking, but Fred goes quiet again, and Tadashi falters while they're following a thin trail up a hill. It's tough; it's tough to say anything at all, and it's tough seeing his friend so blank and tired-looking, and it's especially tough to get at what he really wants to say, to broach what's worrying him and at least _start_ to really talk.

Eventually, though, he does. "I want to apologize."

"What?" With a start, Fred stares at him. "Uh, why?"

"Not sure." Tadashi shrugs. "I just feel like I should."

It's a part of the park he's never been to before. Fred pointed it out; a hill on the edge of the main area, mostly blocked off by brush and knee-high weeds, but with a secret path leading to the top if you know where to look. The top doesn't have a lot, except a place to sit down and rest while looking over the rest of the fields and roads.

And if you're facing the other way, a clear view of the San Fransokyo Bridge as the sun's starting to set. There's a joke in here somewhere, about one of them asking the other on a romantic date, but he doesn't have the heart to say it.

"I wanted to meet," Tadashi says, staring over the bay. "Even before you mentioned it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He looks over, and thinks a moment before asking. "Fred, what's going on?"

Fred's silent for a moment.

...This is silly, isn't it?

They're friends, and they have been for a long time. He's tempted to think that it sucks, how much this one nebulous _something_ has messed up their attitudes and everybody's interactions with each other, but maybe it's not that weird? Maybe this is normal, and it's been lucky that they haven't run into drama before this. Or at least, full-blown drama that ends with people mad at each other and everything.

Hell, it feels like five minutes ago they were watching bad kung fu movies.

"Seriously, are you doing okay?"

He's leaning forward on the bench, head tilted downward, but still staring ahead; the word _brooding_ comes to Tadashi's mind. "Not great," he finally says. "It's been rough."

"How?"

A deep breath. Fred doesn't look away from the vista in front of him. "Basically, I'm kinda... feeling awful? All the time?" The words turn upward at the end, like he's trying to make light of it in a small way. "And I don't know if 'depressed' is the right way to talk about it, 'cause I've heard that's more complicated than I thought it was, but..."

"Still."

"Yeah." Fred seems to shrink down. "Still."

Tadashi exhales. "...I hear you, man."

A pause.

"Do you?"

When he looks over again, Fred's got a weird look, and he's staring over the bay while one hand taps out an irregular beat on his knee. "I wanna be completely straight with you, T," he says. "So... for real. Do you actually know?"

He tries not to feel hurt. "Fred, what are you talking about?"

There's a scowl, now. "I just wanna know," he says quietly. "Have you ever, like-" Breaking away, he closes his eyes. "Have you thought about dying?"

His mind goes blank. There's only one possible response, and he says it immediately.

"Have _you?_ "

Tadashi tries to keep the sudden worry out of his question, but he knows right away that it was the wrong tone, because the frown on his friend's face is deeper and one hand is gripping the edge of the park bench like he's trying to break it. "I knew it," he mutters. "Shouldn't have… you wouldn't under-" Fred stops, and _God_ does Tadashi wish he could read people better, because the guy's got a look on his face that might be furious or scared or hurt or _anything._ "Damn it," he says halfheartedly, and suddenly stands to leave.

"Fred, what-" He tries to grab his shoulder, but Fred shrugs him off. "Wait a minute! What were you saying?"

"It doesn't matter."

" _What?!"_ Tadashi moves so he's in front of him, but Fred looks away again. "I'm serious, man! Do you think I don't get it?"

Too loud. Definitely too loud, because there's an echo, and other people can probably hear him, but the more important thing is that Fred flinches back like he's been hit. Tadashi tries to lower his voice, and to sound less angry even though _yeah he's pretty angry right now_ , maybe not at Fred, exactly, but at something. "Don't- don't start comparing problems, dude," he says, and he's pretty sure his hands are shaking. "You end up thinking some people don't have the right to talk, or don't 'know what it's like' or crap like that, and pretty soon, you're…" He hesitates. "You're pushing people away for no reason."

Fred scoffs. "You say that like you've done it yourself."

"Man, why do you think I haven't?"

"Because..." Still glaring, Fred gestures helplessly in Tadashi's direction. " _Look_ at you, dude! You're like- confident, and popular, and I've never even _seen_ anybody really angry at you, and- and it just seems like everything's great, _all the time_ , so I don't know how to-" Blinking, he drops his arms. "I don't-" The words sputter out, and eventually he's just sniffling and rubbing at his eyes, half-turning away like he sometimes does when he doesn't want the crying to be obvious.

Stunned for a moment, Tadashi exhales. "Okay," he says at last. "Okay." So… Fred assumed he wouldn't know anything about hurting. That stings. Conversations he's had with Honey flash in his memory, and he's tempted to say that people don't go around with neon signs on their heads, detailing their problems and what they're going through. And that they don't always act like everything's terrible, and don't feel one way all the time, because that's not how it works, and he _knows_ that, but all the words are stuck together, and he can't say any of it.

"Okay, I… I don't know what to tell you about all that," he begins. "But, Fred, listen; you don't need to think I can't understand. You're not… you're not alone." The whole conversation's really bearing down on his mind, and the weight of what he's about to say is just as heavy. "I know nobody's the same, but- believe me, man. I get it. I've..." he lifts one shoulder. "You know."

Fred snorts. "When?" It's angry, but not venomous; he says it like he really can't imagine a time when Tadashi was anything less than happy.

And that shocks him, hits him like a punch to the gut, even makes him mad, so he doesn't answer right away. "...When do you _think?_ " he says quietly.

Tadashi can see it, he can literally see the moment it happens: the memory of his parents' deaths, settling on Fred's mind in an instant, widening his eyes with horror. "Oh, _Jesus_ ," Fred chokes out, and he almost seems ready to fall apart on the spot. "I'm so sorry, man, I- I didn't think-"

"It's okay." He immediately regrets bringing it up. "I don't exactly talk about it a lot."

"And I'm over here _complaining_ and- and thinking like-" Fred scrambles, hands on the sides of his skull, staring at the ground in horror. "Shit, shit, _shit,_ I'm- I'm such a fucking idiot, Tadashi, I can't believe… I just…"

"What? No, Fred-" Alarmed, he puts a hand on his arm again. "It's okay!"

"I swear I didn't forget, just- I'd never- like, _make_ you talk about it, or- or-" It's as if he can't stop, and he looks like an animal that's about to turn and run. "I'm so sorry," he says, over and over, so fast that Tadashi worries he's not breathing in between. "I didn't mean to-"

"Stop! For real, just… stop." Fred pauses, eyes wide, and Tadashi lets go. "It's fine," he says, and it's not, completely- there are some things jumping around in his head he hasn't thought of in a while- but it's close enough to 'fine' that he lets it go. "I mean it. Don't freak out. It's alright."

"Yeah." Nodding, Fred blinks more. "Yeah, sor- yeah." He's still breathing quickly.

Finally, Tadashi takes a second to get his own thoughts in order. Trying to slow down his own racing heartbeat, he steps over to the bench again and sits down, not saying anything when Fred joins him. The sun's lower now, the lights and colors more muted, and even the park seems quieter- like the world around him feels how he does, tired and shocked and not sure what happens next.

He doesn't want to talk about them.

Fred sounds better, calmer than before, but Tadashi doesn't look at him. He holds his head in his hands.

He doesn't want to talk about them, but Fred definitely wants to ask, and he knows Fred would never let himself breach the conversation. Even _thinking_ about his parents has him a little stressed, but he swallows hard, because he's always told Hiro that helping people is more important than what _you_ want.

A moment of silence passes, nothing but the crickets in the grass. Fred doesn't ask.

"After it happened, I-" His voice catches. It's fine. He can do this. He can. "I remember thinking, 'What now?'" He's only going to be able to share one thing, one specific detail, and he knows it has to be this one. "I was a kid, you know? Even before, I used to ask that a lot, for school stuff or whatever. I always wanted to know what was coming next. And they always knew how to answer."

He looks up at the darker clouds, dim orange and faded purple, where a few stars are just starting to poke through. "Even when it was something stupid," he says with a smile. "Even when they helped me stop worrying about that so much, and learn that not everything has a perfect plan. Even then, they knew. I'd ask, and they would know."

Fred doesn't say anything. "It was like… losing everything that ever made sense," Tadashi says quietly. "I didn't just miss them, I- I suddenly needed them more than ever. I couldn't think, I couldn't _understand_ anything, and- I couldn't stop asking that question." He shrugs slightly. "No answers, this time. And yeah, I- I thought about it. Dying, I mean."

Starting, Fred stares at him. "Really?"

"Yeah. Not- I didn't plan it out, or anything." He realizes he's been flicking his fingers together, and he holds his hands together to stop. Deep breaths. He hasn't talked about this a lot, to anyone, but- but he can. He can. "Two things stopped me from taking it farther, I think. One, I'm kinda terrified of death."

Fred gives a quick noise of surprise, then asks, "What was the second one?"

"Aunt Cass." Now he's almost lost in memories again, of long talks and impossible questions, back when Hiro was too young to know why his brother was crying, why his aunt was crying. "She's better at parenting than she thinks she is," he says with another shaky exhale. "Growing up was rough, but I think it would have been a lot worse."

"…Wow."

"Hm." He shakes his head. "She's got her hands full with Hiro now, though."

Fred's quiet for a moment. "How'd he take it?"

"Hiro?" Just the question brings up another set of thoughts, hopes and fears and memories alike, and he struggles to find the words. "Honestly, I don't think he remembers. I asked him about it once, and he wouldn't tell me." He interlocks his fingers, staring down at nothing. "For all I know, he doesn't even know what they looked like. Or... he might. Maybe it was even worse for him than it was for me."

"And nothing in the world scares me more than the thought of Hiro, having to ask that question. If something happens, and I can't be there to help him, I don't... I don't know." He blinks a few times, suddenly feeling like he's been talking too loudly. "That's why I bug him so much. That's why I have to keep reminding him to be safe, to stop getting involved in the dangerous stuff, to push himself to be _more_ , because I can't stand the thought of him being afraid of the future."

"Right." Fred sounds stunned. "That- that makes sense." Looking down at the grass, he frowns. "So… botfighting."

Tadashi winces. "Yeah. Not really what I was hoping for. And I feel like I have to help, like I should figure out how to _teach_ him or something, and he- he doesn't have anyone else, just us, but he doesn't even listen to the people who _are_ there." The thought brings a stab of fear, and with the rest of the conversation, it's enough to overwhelm him for a second; he leans forward, covering his face with his hands. "I can't stand it, man," he whispers. "I'm so worried for him, all the time, and I- I just wish I knew what they would do."

Fred doesn't answer, for a moment. Then, he tentatively rests a hand on Tadashi's shoulder. "I think they'd be proud of you, dude."

"…Thanks." He exhales, and it's weak, but it's breathing. "I'd do anything to keep him safe," he says, and there's something dark in his voice, something angry, and Fred's deathly quiet next to him. "But I don't know if I'm supposed to back off and let him make mistakes or try to help him even _more,_ and on top of that he leaves home at night and comes back _hurt_ , and-" He breaks off, taking a second to compose himself. "And sometimes I can't stand looking at him, but it's even worse when I see how scared it makes Aunt Cass to see him, and- hell, she's lost just as much as we have, and I think she's afraid she isn't, like, qualified to take care of us, even though obviously she is, but I try to tell her she's doing enough and I feel like I'm lying because something's wrong with Hiro and it feels like we're all just scaring each other."

He says it like a prayer, and that's enough. He can't say anymore, he can't _begin_ to talk about the specific things, like how his dad used to make up silly stories and voices for the people in the cars that passed them, or how his mom put him up on her shoulders after he got the award at his third grade science fair-

It's enough. He stops, and breathes, and the park is quiet around them.

Eventually, he looks up again, and Fred has the same lost expression that he feels in his heart. "That's… crazy," he says in a small voice. "Honestly, I didn't know. Most- any of it. I can't imagine growing up with all that." He pauses. "And I don't think I've ever imagined you as _scared._ "

"Really?" Tadashi looks at him for a moment. "…Everyone's scared, man."

And he doesn't know for sure if it's true, but it sounds pretty true, so he lets it be. He breathes again. The park is still quiet.

"Thanks," Fred says quietly. "For telling me. It, uh, means a lot."

"Sure. I didn't really mean to... get into all that." Tadashi looks away. "The point was _supposed_ to be that I'm sorry everything sucks so much. And I'm here. We all are. Promise."

Fred leans back, still looking contemplative.

On a whim, Tadashi offers a half-smile. "So, I guess this is the part of the movie where you learn the big, complicated backstory."

It catches him off-guard, and he laughs, and that breaks the tension of the conversation, so Tadashi laughs too. It really was a lot more personal than he expected the talk to be, but that's alright. Good, even. He feels better, more ready, and he can only hope that it helped Fred, too.

"Mostly, I want you to know you can talk about… whatever," he says. "We'd rather help than leave you fighting this stuff on your own. Doesn't matter what it is- depression, or anything- no one's gonna think you're weird, man."

He lets the silence stretch on a while before adding, "Well, weird- _er_."

Fred snorts and punches his shoulder, and it seems like everything's fine. Tadashi laughs. "Seriously, though, do you-"

"Yeah, I get it." Fred's still looking at the sunset, unreadable, and he sighs. "I… I get it. Thanks, T."

"Anytime." He leans back and gazes at the bridge again. "You walk here?"

"Nah, drove."

" _You_ drove?" He pushes his voice up with mock incredulity. "You mean Heathcliff isn't feeding ducks or something while he waits to drive you home in a limo?"

Fred shoves him again. "I have my own car, asshole," he says fondly. "I just like the tram most days." He starts for the path, turning his back on the setting sun.

"Hey, Fred." Pausing, Tadashi looks at him again. "I mean it. You gotta tell people about this stuff. If you just let it build up, it…"

"I got it." Fred's shoulders fall a little. "Thanks. See you around?"

"…Yeah. See ya."

It's funny, Tadashi reflects later, when the sky's a deeper blue and the hilltop is silent. He meant to offer Fred some kind of help or advice, but he's the one sitting here, reliving the conversation. Some of that stuff, he hadn't thought about in a while- or at least, he hadn't known how to put it into words before.

And he has to wonder: is that right? Is that where it all comes from? Being a friend, being a brother, regretting the past and worrying about the future- is it all born from pain? And is that the only reason he can help Fred now?

Well… maybe. That would be awfully poetic, if the hurt and the despair in his own life could somehow turn around to help out someone else's, but there's still the nagging suspicion in the back of his mind. He's still wondering if there was something else, something in the way Fred fell quiet or the way he suddenly freaked out.

Or maybe something else he'd meant to say, but couldn't.

The stars are out when he finally heads home. Once more, he looks up and wonders what they'd think if they could see him now.

[]

 **Couple things.**

 **I finished writing the story. Updates will roll out every couple days; I figured this would be better than following each update with two or three weeks of waiting.**

 **Also, the tone and themes will be getting darker. I guess you could argue they've been dark from the beginning, but still. Chapters from Fred's perspective in particular will probably be more harsh as we go forward. If this premise bothered you before, tread lightly.**

 **I'm not changing the rating because 1) I think you guys can handle it, and 2) I'm not making anything graphic. I believe you can discuss serious, heavy, and even uncomfortable ideas without X-rated language. (I mean, besides the cursing. That's staying.)**

 **Next chapter will land in a few days.**


	25. Chapter 25

He's coming down the stairs when he catches Tadashi's voice, from the kitchen. "I don't know," his brother is saying, and it's a little muffled, like he has food in his mouth or something. "Is it too much? Is it none of my business, and I'm just being the annoying older brother?"

"I don't think so." That's definitely Aunt Cass, and Hiro's previous blank mood goes sour in an instant, because if there's one thing he can't stand, it's people talking about him behind his back. "But… I'll leave this one to you. It was your idea, after all."

Rounding the corner, he takes a little bit of satisfaction in seeing Aunt Cass flinch in surprise; Tadashi, however, simply looks his way with half a slice of pizza in his hand. "Hey, knucklehead," he says cheerfully, still chewing. "So, you're gonna take piano lessons."

"Um. What."

Frowning, Aunt Cass shakes her head in mock disappointment. "That wasn't really how I thought you'd go about it, but alright."

"What?" Tadashi shrugs. "Why dance around it? This way-"

" _Excuse me._ "

"-we don't waste time. And it's more important to-"

"HELLO." Glaring, Hiro waves at them both. "Can someone please explain what you're talking about?"

"Simple." Tadashi stretches, then makes his way across the kitchen until he's standing in the entry of the café proper. "Basically, that keyboard we brought in? I was thinking you could try it out, maybe see what you can learn."

Hiro almost blurts out his reaction, something along the lines of _What, no, that's stupid, why,_ but something makes him hold back. Music… isn't really his thing. Tadashi knows that, and Cass knows that, so why would-

"You know, if you're up to it." Tadashi says it like an afterthought. As if it's not that big of a deal.

Hiro's head swings around like a pivot. He narrows his eyes. "…Wait a minute."

"Hm?"

"No." He points at Tadashi. "No, no, don't you dare. Don't- don't do that thing."

"I don't know what you're talking about," his brother says mildly.

"That _thing!_ That taunting thing where I suddenly agree to do something just because you make it sound like a challenge."

Tadashi puts up his hands in mock surrender. "I'm not doing anything like that."

"Well, good." Scowling, Hiro moves past him towards the pizza.

The café is silent for a moment.

"…I'm only saying that if you can't handle it, then-"

"MMGRMPH!" He spins with his mouth full and nearly falls over. "There!" he shouts after swallowing. "That right there! God, you- you suck so much!"

"Language," Aunt Cass says, but there's humor in her voice, and she doesn't even look up from collecting dishes off the tables.

And Tadashi's laughing, too. Both of them are laughing, and- damn it, he can't deal with this right now. He can feel his face going red, and it only makes him angrier, and suddenly some part of his brain makes the connection: they were talking about him before, discussing how to deal with him, trying to make decisions for him _again._

That's all this is. It's just another way for Tadashi to stick his nose in Hiro's life, and try to _help._

"Stop it," he says loudly, and maybe his brother hears him and maybe he doesn't, but Hiro doesn't care, he shoves past him and starts his way back up the stairs. A freaking keyboard? That's next in their neverending crusade to mess with him, to tell him what he has to do? What he _can't_ do? It's stupid. It's stupid, and it's making his blood boil.

The chuckling has stopped. "Look, Hiro-"

"Leave me alone," he snaps. He doesn't even look back.

"Hey!" But he does when Cass's sharp yell echoes off the walls. Turning slightly, he sees over his shoulder that she's staring up at him, hands on her hips, disapproving frown perfectly in place.

…Great. Now she's mad at him again. That's perfect.

"You need to watch your attitude, young man," she says, and God, is that even a real thing that people say? He's only ever heard it in bad movies, but somehow it's exactly what he can't stand in this instant, and he can't even say anything so he just scowls and turns back.

"Hiro, don't walk away when Aunt Cass is talking to you!"

No. No, no, no, there's no way he's putting up with this tonight. Normally, he might be able to bite back his irritation and apologize, but hell, he hasn't even _done_ anything this time. And they're both all over him for no reason, and Cass is doing the disappointed-parent look he despises, and Tadashi's proving yet again how he's the _perfect stupid nephew_ and Hiro's the screwup, the delinquent, the kid who talks back and gets in trouble and who needs everyone else to look after him and tell him what to do and _make him play the goddamn piano_.

He loses it.

"I said leave me the _hell_ alone, alright?!"

He thought there'd be more, honestly. For an instant, he had the whole thing pictured in his head: he'd explode, spewing everything he's angry about, too caught up in the yelling to stop, and there would be a lot more curses, and Cass and Tadashi would fire right back, until they were all screaming and slamming doors and playing the whole dysfunctional-family shtick.

But they're all silent. Tadashi's looking at him with the same expression last time they argued, and Aunt Cass- he doesn't look at Aunt Cass, doesn't want to see her face, doesn't want to know if she's shocked or angry or hurt.

There's a whisper of a thought that he can't go back on this.

"Hiro Hamada." Cass's voice is low and unsteady. She's holding something back. Hiro doesn't look at her. "Don't use that language. _Especially_ not with your brother."

"Why not?" he fires back, and _why is he saying this, why is he so angry_ , but at the same time it's good and it's right. He stares Tadashi in the eye. "Because he'll make me use the stupid swear jar?"

"Listen, Hiro." Tadashi has his best _stern disapproval_ face. "You know this isn't okay, don't you? You're out of control. You're mouthing off to customers, you think you know better than everyone else-"

"Well, I do!" He throws his hands up. "I really do! Because you know what? I'm starting to think most people are kind of _idiots._ So I'm really freaking sorry if I don't spend my whole life listening to what everyone else thinks I should do!"

"Are you serious?" Tadashi's voice, almost never raised like this, makes Hiro flinch back for an instant. "Is that really what you think? That the people who love you, the people who want to keep you safe- we're just too stupid to realize that everything's _perfect?!_ "

"It IS perfect!" Hiro yells before he can stop himself. "Except for you! If it wasn't for you always trying to mess with-"

"YOU'RE GETTING HURT!"

That stops him. He has nothing. He racks his brain, but there isn't a single idea that he can shoot back. And the echo fades off the rafters, and Tadashi's red in the face, and Cass- Cass is-

"…Hurt?"

Oh, God, she doesn't know.

"Hiro, what's- what's he talking about?"

Hiro pales. She doesn't know about the fights- she didn't believe Tadashi the last time he tried to rat his brother out, but- but she _will_ , now. She will if she thinks Hiro's already being disrespectful and all that crap. And he finally lets himself look at her, and she looks so scared, her whole face is almost trembling, and she's just _staring_ at him like he's supposed to have some kind of answer.

"Hiro." Tadashi's staring, too, worried and angry. He's starting to get really freaking sick of that look. "I think you better tell her."

 _Damn it._ This isn't about keyboards. Not really. It's not about attitude problems, or anything else- it's botfighting, all over again. Because everything comes back to botfighting. Because Tadashi can't just let it go.

He can picture it, and it's suddenly all he can think of. More arguments. More lectures. More Tadashi interfering in his life, more Cass trying to get him to be _nicer_ to people, more impromptu lessons about 'not being a dick'. More bullshit. He'll be grounded in a heartbeat.

And in an instant, with anger and helplessness and frustration flying through his head, he makes his decision.

"Screw you." He's gone, he's stomping up the stairs before Tadashi can work through his shock, and by the time his older brother follows him up to the attic, Hiro already has one of his newest fighting bots mashed in the pocket of his hoodie. He roughly shoulders him away before descending again.

Let them worry. Let Tadashi tell Cass everything like a tattletale. It doesn't matter- he's not thinking clearly, he knows he's not, but he doesn't care. He's gone.

He shoots a mutinous glare in his aunt's direction when he's making his way to the front door. He'll freaking take off running, if he has to. They're not stopping him this time.

And even as he's thinking it, he almost halts completely, because she has this _look_ , and she barely gets out the words "Hiro, why would-" But she can't finish, and she puts her hand to her mouth instead like she's about to burst into tears.

 _This is bullshit._

"Hiro!" Tadashi's right behind him, and he spins him around by the upper arm. His eyes are wide. "Look, Hiro, you _can't_ go out tonight. You hear me? You can't."

 _THIS IS BULLSHIT THIS IS BULLSHIT THIS IS BULLSHIT-_

"Watch me," he snarls, and throws his hand off.

Lower staircase, to the door. He's taking the steps two at a time. Tadashi's yelling something, following him, Hiro elbows him in the stomach, unthinking, sprinting, bursts through the door, either one of them probably could have caught him except he knows they're stunned, and he's running, now, out the front door and across the front of the property and towards the road.

The fight tonight's gonna be crazy. Some of the most notorious players in the whole city will be there. And he'll win, he'll _destroy,_ because then he'll know that- he'll finally prove- he can- they'll-

Hiro can't remember why he wants to go to this fight so badly.

Arms shaking, he takes off down the side of the street. There's a late-night tram stop not far ahead, and he's pretty sure Tadashi isn't still following him.

He's doing what _he_ wants. Nobody else.

And it's gonna be perfect.


	26. Chapter 26

God damn it. God _fucking damn it._

Fred slams the car door shut and stands in the mansion's driveway for a while, his own shadow from the house's lights stretching out into the road.

He couldn't tell him. He'd been so sure, he'd been so _ready_ , and Honey had her hand on his shoulder and he was more confident than ever, and- and then-

"Shit," he hisses, because there's so much flying through his mind that he can't focus on anything. Rubbing at his eyes, he finally makes his way inside and heads to his room.

What was the plan? He was supposed to tell him, right? He was going to tell him everything, and no matter how he reacted at least he'd _know_ , and that- that would be better, wouldn't it? It'd be better than always worrying, always freaking out about what he might say or do, and he already has Honey on his side, so for a while he felt like he could do anything, but suddenly it's-

It's all-

Fred's in his room, he's standing in his room and he doesn't remember getting there, and he didn't see Heathcliff but the guy's probably around, somewhere, and should Fred find him? Should he ask him for help? Should he ask him what are you supposed to DO when thoughts are screaming so loud you can't hear anything else, or when you feel like your chest is burning up and you _deserve_ it, or when you're so scared you can hardly breathe-

When a conversation flashes through your mind and every memory is cutting at you like knives-

 _Tadashi has his own problems._ Fred stares at the mirror above his dresser for a while, watching his own unblinking eyes; all this time, he's been causing trouble and shit with his stupid, disgusting, awful mess of problems, while Tadashi's been dealing with something legitimate, something painful and _not his fault at all_ , and he's been dealing with it because he's strong and normal and he's not a pitiful freak. And Fred never noticed he was hurting. Fred was only thinking about his own issues. Fred made him relive the worst part of his life.

 _Tadashi still doesn't know._ He slams a fist down on top of the dresser, but it's not enough, and suddenly he grabs the top of the furniture and _pulls_ , and the whole thing crashes down to the side but it doesn't even break- he's _lying,_ he's lying to his best friend and he promised Honey he'd tell him, promised he'd work to make things better, promised he could _do_ this, he was going to move forward and fix things because Heath believes in him and Honey believes in him. But he couldn't say anything, so he just sat there with a stupid look on his face and tried not to hate himself as Tadashi poured out his soul.

(And Tadashi mentioned how protective he was of Hiro, and that's sticking in Fred's mind for some reason, but it- it doesn't matter, because Fred's not _thinking_ about that, he's not- he doesn't have- Hiro isn't- he's _not-_ )

He stares down at the upturned dresser, as the last and most damning thought makes its way to the surface. His breath freezes in his throat.

 _Tadashi was alone, and young, and hurt, and vulnerable._

Holy shit. This is- it's dark, it's darker than anything he's felt before, and he paces the room. He paces the room. He paces the room. Back and forth, over and over, hoping he can drown out the thoughts as they pour through, but he can't.

The image keeps coming through, of a kid who's lost everything, and he's- he's scared, and he needs someone to help him, someone to-

Fuck, he's digging his fingernails into his palms, breathing faster, so scared, _so scared, can't handle this, can't keep doing this,_ because he suddenly realizes that it feels good to think about that, that it's _attractive._

It's almost tempting to think it's normal, that he's feeling pity and sympathy and appreciating how difficult it must be for a young kid to go through that. But no, it goes deeper than that, because he doesn't just want to imagine a kid being comforted, he wants to _be_ there, he wants to be the one to… to take care of him, to be there, to…

 _-take advantage of-_

He's crying, he realizes, he's sobbing and shaking on his feet- _Heathcliff help how do you stop yourself from THINKING-_ and this is all so insane, and he can never tell Tadashi, never, there's no way he can- even Honey, she'd hate him if she knew how deep it goes, how screwed-up the whole thing is.

They would all hate him.

They _should._

…

Their faces are flashing through his mind. Hiro's there too, suddenly. He can see Hiro's face, clearly, and he's- Hiro is-

 _…_ What the _fuck._

He honestly thought he was doing better. He thought things were looking up, even when Go Go hit him, and suddenly he feels like he's dying of thirst, hunger, something he needs and can't have. It's almost funny, in a way. He's always been seen as the druggie, but he actually hasn't touched weed in his life. But he'd give his right arm for _something_ right now, something to help him stop freaking out.

Well, there is… something.

It just hurts too much. So he doesn't think. He lets the numb feeling take over, and soon, he finds himself in front of the computer screen.

He can't hold out forever. He needs something. Just enough to dull the pain for a while.

 _Click_.

...

...

...

 _Click_.

...

...

...

Writing. Thousands of words, flying past the screen. Stories written for a very specific purpose.

 _Click_.

Stories written for people like him.

…

…

…

 _Click_.

...

...

...

He's not crying anymore.

…

…

…

And when it's over, when he's standing under the shower-head and the cold water shocks his shivering skin, he realizes something. He's not angry, like he used to feel. He's not disgusted, or ashamed, or filled with fury at himself.

He doesn't feel anything.

There's an ache in his limbs and in his head, but more than that, it's as if his mind itself is tired. Tired, even though he knows sleep won't change anything. He'll be just as worn-out the next day. Briefly, the idle thought slips past: what if he just didn't wake up?

Maybe it's the exhaustion, or maybe it's the echoing feeling of what he's just done. Either way, he can't stop thinking about it- what it would really be like, to never have to face this again. To just... let everything go.

To take away the hurt, and the guilt, and the sickness, and the worry and the lying and the hiding and apologizing and everything else, forever. To stop.

For once, simply to stop.

Fred lets his head slide forward, knocking gently against the slick wall, and he closes his eyes. The water keeps falling as he tries not to think at all.

And once the water turns off, and he's completely alone in the bathroom, he stares at the mirror for a moment before pulling it open. The shelves inside hold a host of different medications, courtesy of money and necessity.

He stares for a moment, even taking one of the bottles off the top shelf and glancing at the label. Another few seconds pass, and he puts it back and closes the cupboard.

Feeling, then nothing. Back and forth. Like something's building up, something crouching at the back of his mind, something… inevitable. A brush with destiny. Like something's coming on the horizon that he can't escape. And every conversation, every _bad_ night, every stray thought that pushes him towards self-loathing and worry- it all just adds to the effect.

Not for the first time, he imagines he's falling, and no matter what he tries to do, he can't stop.

When he gets back to his room, he catches sight of his phone on the bed. He can't- he can't bring himself to have another one of these conversations. Not with Honey, and _definitely_ not with Tadashi. Still, though, he wants to talk. For real, just- just talk.

Maybe somebody else. Maybe someone who doesn't know everything, who won't pry and worry if he pretends everything's fine. He can even throw in some jokes and keep it light. Because he's a good actor; he's so good it makes him sick, and he can cover up everything with jokes and smiles, even when Tadashi Hamada is being as honest as any human has ever been _Fred can still act like he's fine._

And he's going to do it again, right now. A half a conversation, with half an admission, and half a lie. And he'll get away with it.

He taps out the keys, but it doesn't seem to matter. Maybe he's 'reaching out for help' or whatever, but- isn't it kind of pointless? He should be _better,_ because talking with friends and letting this stuff out is supposed to help, and earlier in the morning things really seemed to be looking up, but… it's not working. Honey and Tadashi are reaching out to him. They're doing the right things. It should be working. Why isn't it working?

It must be his own fault.


	27. Chapter 27

Hiro Hamada just ran away.

Tadashi is shaking, restless, jittery, under a lamppost in a part of the city he's never been to.

Hiro ran away. He- he _ran._

Cass already called the cops. Then she drove to the station for a face-to-face talk. And Tadashi grabbed his moped, turned the key, and started looking.

Hiro's gone.

He can't believe it, can't make the words make sense, can't stop thinking it over and over.

He ran.

How _badly_ did Tadashi screw everything up? How freaking sad is it that Hiro's older brother couldn't stop this from happening?

 _He was always sneaking out, but he still CARED, he still came back, and what if this time he doesn't come back-_

He called Go Go, and she didn't know what to do beyond calling the cops, but she said she'd let Honey know because maybe _she_ would have a plan, and Go Go seemed just as frustrated and worried as he felt, _damn it Go Go please don't call my brother a punkass bitch_ , and they don't know what they should do, they don't know where he _is_ , they don't know if he's okay, they have _no idea._

Tadashi's shaking under the streetlight.

Hiro ran.

And more than ever before, he doesn't know what to do.


	28. Chapter 28

_=hey wasabu_

 _=*Wasbi_

-Fred? This is you, right? Go Go didn't steal your phone or something?

 _='Washboard'_

 _=no not washboard supid autocorrect_

-Yeah, this is definitely you.

-What's up?

 _=that_

 _=is quite the question, bro-man_

 _=bromigo_

 _=Wasabro_

-Fred.

 _=like there's the sky, right, but that's too obvious_

 _=that's always up, no fun at all_

 _=a better anwser would be_

 _=stocks_

 _=stocks are up_

-Fred, as your friend, and as someone who believes civility is important, I try not to ask this too often, even as a joke.

-But are you high right now?

 _=once again, an inreresting question_

 _=p sure there are different parts of SF that are_

 _=elevated kinda_

 _=so depending on where you are r/n_

 _=and where I am_

 _=the answer could be yes_

 _=or not yes  
_

-I should be sleeping. I really should.

 _=that's quitter talk_

 _=don't be a quitter washboard_

-I am absolutely being a quitter.

-Goodnight, man.

 _=wait for real_

 _…_

 _…_

 _…_

-Yeah?

 _=ive been thinking n stuff_

 _=do you_

 _=what would you do if, like_

 _…_

-Fred? You still there?

 _=yeah_

 _=what would you do if you had_

 _=in a test or somthing_

 _=like_

 _=a problem that you couldn't get rid of_

-What do you mean?

 _=i mean something you cant fix_

 _=sometihng impossible_

-Dude, you're not even taking classes. What are you really talking about?

…

…

…

-Fred, is this about our friends?

-I know you guys haven't really been on the best terms the last few days.

-Right?

…

…

…

-You still there?

 _=y_

-I don't think anyone's really mad at you, Fred. They just seem worried to me.

-Maybe we could

-Hm

-Wait, are you mad at them?

 _=what no_

 _=no way_

-Then what's the problem?

-What's so impossible?

…

…

…

-Man, if you don't help me out here, I can't really help at all.

 _=naw yeah sorry_

 _=just thinkin again_

-Alright.

-You wanna… I dunno, keep talking?

-I'm not being sarcastic this time, but I think I'm literally falling asleep every few seconds.

 _=no man I'm good_

 _=you get that sleep_

 _=sleep it up like a champ_

-Night, Fred. You try to get some sleep too.

-It might help. Things always look better in the morning.

-And for the record, I don't think any problem's insurmountable.

…

-Not everything has a quick solution, but nothing's really hopeless, you know?

-You're probably not reading these. I'm firing messages at nobody right now.

-Well, see ya.

…

-And Fred, whenever you see this

-For real, you can talk to me any time you want. The sleep thing was mostly joking.

-Take it easy, bud.

…

…

…


	29. Chapter 29

Hiro wins his first match of the night.

...

Hiro wins his second match.

...

Hiro wins his third match.

...

The fourth match begins.


	30. Chapter 30

Why can't he tell them?

Fred stares down at his phone, at the last text from Wasabi. Why, why, _why_ does he have to keep saying he's fine? Only going part of the way through, then giving up on anything _real_ , on anything that could help? It's so easy to stay the joker, to laugh it off and thank them and make it look like that was all he needed and now he's okay. Why can't he stop lying?

Immediately- _too quickly, too soon, it's not fair_ \- his phone is ringing.

Honey Lemon's name pops up on the screen. He almost leaves it, or shuts it off, or throws it across the room. But some part of his brain decides yes, this can't possibly be a bad idea, and picks it up anyway. "Hello?"

"Hey, Freddy!"

…

He has no idea what to say. "Uh, hi."

"I know it's late, but I just- I dunno, I wanted to check in on you!"

…

His brain's working so freaking slowly, and he hates it, but eventually he realizes she's talking about this morning, because last thing _she_ knew, Go Go had just shoved him over and he was about to go talk to Tadashi, and things were going to finally start getting better.

"So?" Her voice is lowered, more gentle. Encouraging. "Did you tell him?"

"Y-yeah."

Lie number one.

He told Tadashi part of it, a piece of everything tearing him apart, but Honey's obviously going to assume he told him the _worst_ of it if he doesn't say anything else, and staying quiet and letting her think that is just another lie. Still, he can't bring himself to say anything.

"Well, how'd he take it?"

"Well, you know T." He's rambling, now, words spinning faster than he can hold them in. "Nothing gets to him for long. I mean, he was surprised, but- but I think he was more worried about me, you know? And that's pretty cool. I'm glad he didn't freak out and punch me or something."

Yikes. Probably not the best thing to say after this morning's incident. But he continues, caught up in the lie. "I mean, he's got his own stuff going on right now, so there's that."

"Yeah?"

"Geez, I don't know. He's trying to get Hiro to start playing piano so he can learn a life lesson about humility or whatever. It's like a sitcom. Their house is a TV show, and I'm the only one laughing."

That gets a laugh out of her, a genuine one, and it bolsters his spirits for a second. She trails off. "Yeah, they're something else. Both of them."

"Pretty much." He wants to keep joking, but maybe he should tell her more; open up just a little bit, and explain how Tadashi was willing to share his story, and how messed-up that made him feel. And how the rest of the day was utter garbage. And how everything's falling apart, and he won't even admit it. And how-

"Hey, Fred." She hesitates a beat. "Are… you doing okay? With the, um, depression and stuff."

He has to say something.

He _has to._

Because he spilled his darkest secret to her, and this should be the next step- she already knows so much, and all he'd have to do would be to say 'I need help' and she would know what to do, because Honey always knows what to do.

"Freddy?"

Say something.

"…"

SAY SOMETHING.

"Are you still there?"

 _You're right, you're right about everything, and I'm so fucked up that I can't even talk to you, can't tell you I'm going insane, and I thought I couldn't hate myself anymore but it got so bad that I did something sick and disgusting, and I can't tell you that I went into my dad's medicine cabinet and wondered how much it would take to just-_

Fred blinks. "Yeah, sorry. Line must've cut out or something."

…He can't do it.

"Depression. Right. It's, uh, it's… not better."

Lying, lying, lying so well and so easily, automatically, because it's just the truth with a few pieces missing, right?

"But, you know. Talking with you guys has been. Um. Good, I think."

And he knows before she says anything. She bought it.

"That's really great to hear, Freddy!"

The happiness in her voice cuts at him. It's the same echoes, over and over again, of just what an _awful_ friend he is. "I mean, it's tough, you know? Dealing with things like this. And I'll admit- I don't know exactly what it's like, but I know it's a lot more complicated than it looks like on the outside, and- sorry, I'm rambling," she says quickly, with a big smile in her voice, he can just _hear_ it. "But the point is, it can be tough to believe that anything's looking up at all, so it's so cool for you to say that!"

 _Goddamnit._

He sucks in a breath, imagining that he's somehow taking the false words back and replacing them with something better. It's a stupid thought.

 _Try anyway._

She pauses. And in his mind he knows he has another chance. If he's being honest, this is the worst he's been- this is rock bottom, right now, tonight, and if he can't tell her now, then-

He closes his eyes.

Everything hurts _so much._

"So!" Chipper again. Bright and cheery. "I know it's kinda my fault for keeping you up, but you try to get some sleep, all right?"

"Hm." He'd probably laugh, any other day. For now, he just smiles. "A lot of people have been telling me that."

"It's good advice! You should listen."

"Oh, you should talk. You're like an all-nighter legend."

 _You can't just switch from real to joking, you idiot, you can't pretend everything's fine-_

"That's different!" Honey blusters. "That was for… chem exams, and- and I only ever did two in a row _once."_ She stops when she realizes he's poking fun, and giggles. "Fine. Do as I say, not as I do."

"Aye aye." He waits a bit. "I saluted, by the way. There was a salute and everything. You couldn't see it."

"Right, because we're on the phone."

"Right."

" _Right._ " She laughs again. Fred swallows and wishes he could laugh along. "Well, hey, I really am going to bed, so-"

"Oh. Hey, just-" He awkwardly cuts her off, then sighs. "Don't talk to T about it, 'kay? Not just yet. I'm… I dunno."

"Of course! Of course." She says it like an apology, and Fred's heart twists, because this is how it always goes. And now she's gonna hang up thinking everything's fine, and he screwed up another chance to be honest, and he's going to spend the rest of the night staring at nothing and feeling miserable. And nothing's going to change.

Why can't he just-

"…You really did tell him, right?"

Fred freezes. She only said six words, and she wasn't even suspicious, or accusatory. Cheerful again. Affirming. And he can't say a thing.

"…Right?"

His mind is blank. Nothing's making a sound, in the mansion or in his room or coming out of the phone. Everything's perfectly still.

"Fred, you- you don't have to pretend everything's great when it isn't." She's saying it so gently, and he almost wishes that she'd be furious instead. Why can't she just yell at him, or tell him how despicable this is, or- or find some way of breaking through all his _bullshit_. Or maybe that's exactly what she's… he was telling himself that, five minutes ago, and now she's saying it. So why can't he…

"I'm fine," he whispers, and _God_ is it pathetic, with a break in his voice and a shaky sound and everything, and he's not fooling anybody but it's so _stupid_ that he's trying at all.

"Look, I… I know this must be really impossible."

And he thought he was ready for anything, but when she next speaks, she actually sounds _hurt_. "But please- don't lie again."

…He despises himself, and it's reaching up and wrapping around his throat until he can't breathe.

"Please."

 _Listen to her. You hurt her. She's just trying to help you._

 _You're scum._

Before he knows what he's doing, Fred turns off his phone completely.

…

He stares down at the device for a moment.

…

Dimly, in the back of his mind, he acknowledges that he can't stop making things worse. For everyone.

And quietly, broken, knowing he doesn't deserve any forgiveness, he mutters, "I'm sorry."


	31. Chapter 31

Tadashi almost crashes.

He's already not at his best, tired and stressed out and unable to focus on the road in front of him. Add in the darkness of the back alley roads, and the way his bike feels like it's stalling _right_ at the moment he looks up, and the car that didn't even slow down- and suddenly he's panting, heart racing, staring at the space only a few inches away where metal and light nearly collided with him.

Growling, he stops completely and tries to get his bearings. He has to stop, he needs to slow down and _think_ , but- but he can't. If he takes a minute, that's a minute more that Hiro could be… he doesn't want to imagine it.

 _But he always comes back_.

 _Maybe I'm just being worried over nothing._

But this is different, isn't it? Or- this might be different. He keeps going, slower now, but his mind is still firing away. He doesn't really know Hiro's haunts that well, and he isn't even sure what he's hoping to find- a neon path leading to where he is? A fight where he can just ask 'Where's Hiro', and somebody will point him in the right direction?

But he can't just do nothing.

More buildings pass, and he's back on the highway. Part of him wants to keep calling his friends. Part of him knows they won't really be able to help. There's no magic idea that can fix this. And he's already called Hiro's cell about a hundred times, so no luck there.

Gunning forward, he runs a red light at an empty intersection.


	32. Chapter 32

It doesn't matter that it's so far into the evening that it's technically morning. It doesn't matter that Fred's exhausted. He has to get out.

So he drives. It doesn't matter where- he just does.

And it feels good, on the surface. The clouded night, windows down, wind screaming past, almost-vacant roads and traffic lights blaring green into the darkness, different neighborhoods of San Fransokyo blurring together and shifting with every mile. Soon he's on the outskirts, and it feels like an empty world- roads without cars, sky without stars, and he can yell whatever he wants into the air hissing by, and it doesn't matter. It feels free.

Hours melt away, and when he finally stops, when he finds himself on a byroad near the bay, he doesn't fight the worried, buzzing energy in his limbs. He just runs to the edge of the docks, careening over the metal surfaces with loud clangs.

Then he gets to the edge, and the world isn't just empty- it's lightless.

He feels like he can see forever, a neverending black horizon that stretches out over the water. But no matter how far he looks, how far away he imagines himself, the waves are always right there underneath. Up, down, back, forth. He can see whitecaps in the black space. Nothing above, nothing below, just darkness.

Fred briefly wonders if he's losing his mind.

Finally, he turns away from the edge. It wouldn't work. He's scared, just like Tadashi said.

Besides, he's too good of a swimmer.


	33. Chapter 33

Sirens. There are sirens.

Hiro has learned, over months of experience, that some things are objectively Not Good in the back alleys of the city. Any night when Yama's cousins are in town, any bot modification that even LOOKS like there might be gunpowder involved, and the Fumisha district in general all qualify as such.

Sirens, though, transcend Not Good and land squarely in the Shit, Shit, Get Out Immediately category.

His opponent, the guy whose hair stacks up on itself like a termite mound (and Hiro's pretty sure he saw a rat scurry in there once or twice), is still gaping in the direction of the blaring sound and just-beginning outlines of red and blue light against the alley wall. Quickly, Hiro jumps up and propels himself over the fighting circle, grabbing his bot and sticking his hand back in the betting pot.

Fight's off, obviously. Stands to reason he should get his money back, right?

Angry yells echo behind him, and Hiro doesn't slow for a second, stashing the money (which is a lot more than he bet, to be honest, looks like rat-guy is gonna be out some cash no matter what happens tonight) in his back pocket. There's another way out up ahead, here, one that leads back to one of the main streets where he can catch the tram without looking too conspicuous. This district is near the docks, but he should still be able to get back to the city proper if he keeps going… this way. Right?

Or… was it somewhere else?

He comes to a sudden stop, nearly face-to-face with a fighter probably twice his age, who looks like she's considering mugging him on the spot until another shriek of siren-sound makes its way over. She shoots him a dirty look before taking off down another lane, dark enough that Hiro can't see where it leads.

Hesitating, he risks another glance back the way he came. Muffled sounds of a fistfight come through, and his eyes widen; no way someone actually picked a fight with the cops, right? That'd be insane.

He's seen it happen before, but still.

Torn, he doesn't make his decision until the screech of tires and more yelling tells him that the gambling bust has devolved into a full-on car chase. Flinching, he starts running after the scary lady- nobody's leaving with just a warning tonight, and she at least seems to know an escape route. Getting arrested isn't really part of Hiro's plans for the evening.

But even as he's running, scrambling past rusted fire hydrants and boarded-up windows, he grins at a thrill of excitement that goes through him. He didn't expect the cops to show up, but still, this is a kind of action he absolutely thrives on. Everything going on with Tadashi and Aunt Cass had him so tense and frustrated, and it feels incredible to burn off that energy in the one place they both keep telling him not to go.

Vaulting over a chain-link gate, he lands on the other side with a light huff. He was never only in it for the money, although that's worked out pretty well. It's something to do with the glow of the heavy-duty flashlights they bring out to the rings, with the sneers of the major players and their minions alike, the whirrs and clicks of the bots as they tear each other to pieces with nothing but science and brains, the sheer nervous _joy_ of the hustle as he scams and wheedles and dances his way through the most dangerous parts of town. He can't get enough of it.

And Tadashi's _worried_. Please. He's fine. In fact, he's better than fine; he's fantastic. He smirks as he dashes up an incline, rising toward what he can now see as one of downtown's busier streets. He's having the time of his life, he's making good money, and on top of that, he's winning the fights.

He hears a cough.

"Hey, kid."

He stops. He stops, he makes damn sure he stops as fast as he can, because somebody just rose out of the shadows of the alley like the angel of death, and he- he's huge, with a gold tooth and a tattoo curling around his jaw, and Hiro _remembers_ this guy, had a match against him once, one of the better cons of his career, got him to put up four hundred bucks before shredding his bot to a broken heap of steel and wires- his mind's going crazy, still hopped up on adrenaline, remembering everything all at once- _and the bouncer they had as a ref that night had to hold the guy back, pinning both wrists behind him while he screamed bloody murder, and Hiro had to take off running with a pocketful of cash and a prayer that he'd never see him again-_

"H-hey," he says, sputtering, and Heavy is already coming his way with a leer like a snake eyeing its prey. "You, uh- you-"

"Ya 'member me?" He pushes up one of his sleeve, and- and _holy God he's actually wearing brass knuckles._ Hiro backs up before he realizes he's doing it; there's no talking his way out of this one. No official Rule Seven, stating that murdering a competitor disqualifies you from all tournaments. No pretending he's new.

And, as he looks around him, he realizes- no way out. Heavy's between him and the only route back towards the main streets.

Panic takes over, and the elation from a second ago is gone, replaced with an angrier adrenaline that grips his veins from the inside- he sprints back the way he came, but it's so much harder this time, and every step feels like he's dragging weights. He only lets himself look back once, and almost chokes when he sees the guy gaining on him.

No. No, no, this can't be happening. He can get out of this. He's fine. Hiro grabs air in gulping breaths, but his steps are uneven, pounding against asphalt and metal grates and garbage and nearly causing him to trip and stumble every time he turns a corner. Heavy's fast. Of _course_ he's fast, because he has an adult's legs and lungs and he probably knows these alleys better than anyone.

He screams something vicious, lost in the wind, and Hiro's wheezing now- there was always a backup plan, a way of getting out if it got too dangerous, a way he could stare the city in the face and come away laughing. But suddenly he can't think, can't do anything except wonder if he's really, truly about to die-

Right turn. He moves on instinct, as fast as the foggy and vague concept enters his brain, slipping into a side street the instant he sees it. A dozen desperate ideas are crushed when he sees there's nothing there, nothing but an empty alley without even a fire escape or a dumpster to hide behind, so he keeps running and running and his feet _ache_ , so scared and exhausted and he can't stop, not for a second, has to keep moving and gasping and hurting and _he hears something no no NO HE'S RIGHT BEHIND HIM-_

Falling. Hiro barely has time to know what's happening, but he knows it's going to be bad before he hits the ground. His foot catches on something, and the dim half-shadows are all switched around, and his stomach flips with the sickening feeling of weightlessness.

Impact. He skids to a stop. Mostly concrete, but rough enough that it feels like gravel. His arm hit underneath his body first- what hit, exactly? His arm, torso, knees, and- and his head-

And _then_ the pain jumps out, rips through his skin like fire, and he's crying out, too loud, too shrill; the back of his mind knows that Heavy's gonna be there any second, Heavy's gonna pull him up and throw him against the wall, but the worry is lost in the red haze of _hurt_. It's bad, as bad as any physical pain he's felt, and he has no idea how long he just waits there, so rattled that he can't bring himself to stand.

Finally, though, he does.

Okay. Okay, it's- it's not the end of the world. Hiro stumbles sideways, leaning against a brick wall, and tries to assess the damage. Knees are- just scraped. No problem. Glancing down to his arm, he sees several jagged tears in his shirt. They're already dark with liquid. Fearing the worst, he ditches the sweatshirt- elbow screaming in pain the whole time- and gingerly lifts up his shirt.

Hell. His head spins- deep breaths, deep breaths, because it's not _that_ bad, it just _looks_ bad. More scrapes. Bleeding, but- but he's pretty sure it's shallow. Mostly on the left side. Little lines running down his ribs. It's so surreal to see it, to feel it at the same time, and he's not sure if he'd be able to keep standing if he wasn't propped against the wall of the alley.

Alright. He can do this. He shuts his eyes tight, then raises his right arm and opens them again.

…Blood. Just- just more blood. Three wounds scattered around his elbow, all smeared with dirt and combinations of red and black that almost make him sick. And now that he can see it, it seems to hurt more, as if the rocks are tearing at him every second.

Against himself, Hiro yells again. His head knocks against the wall, and his balance gives out- he slides to the base, unable to do anything except breathe. Again, he dimly wonders if Heavy will materialize out of the darkness and crush his windpipe, but he can't hear anything but the distant sound of downtown traffic. Maybe the guy missed that last turn, or lost Hiro in the shadows. Maybe he just gave up.

Wait. _Downtown traffic._

Stumbling to his feet, Hiro braces against another wave of pain from his right arm and slowly makes his way in the direction of the noise. If he can- if he can just get to one of the main roads, he'll be fine. He'll- he can- _there's nothing, because his mind can't focus, and he can't form a single plan for what he'll do as soon as he gets out of this district, for God's sake, he HIT his HEAD on the CONCRETE-_

He abandons the thoughts, stops berating himself and stops trying to come up with anything at all. Steps. One in front of the other. That's all he needs. He just has to hold out for a short while.

 _Tadashi, glaring because he's so disappointed-_

He winces. Steps. One, two. One.

 _'-everything's just perfect?!'_

One… two…

 _'Why', she says, and she's so upset she can't even finish the question, she's about to break down crying-_

One-

His foot catches again, and he nearly collapses- at the last second, though, he rights himself. It's a slight ramp up to the road, and he didn't even realize he's already at the top. Hiro looks up, and…

Stares. His arm burns. His thoughts take a minute to catch up.

He wasn't thinking straight. That- that wasn't traffic, that was… Cargo trucks at the harbor. Vehicles moving stuff up and down the waterside.

The docks.

He's been going the wrong way this whole time.

Hiro crumples to his knees, letting out a noise of hurt when they hit the ground. God- _shit,_ this isn't good. He's barely able to walk straight, and now he's… not lost. He's definitely not lost. But… but… he has no idea what he's gonna do.

He hears footsteps, and for an instant the wild, panicked thought jumps forward again, that Heavy is back to teach him a lesson. He looks up immediately.


	34. Chapter 34

Hiro Hamada is crouched on the pavement in front of him. He's hissing in between breaths, like he's hurt and trying not to show it. And he looks exhausted.

Fred blinks. "Uh... hey."


	35. Chapter 35

Wait a sec, that's Tadashi's weird friend.

…the hell is _he_ doing here?

The guy already looks about half-dead, but his expression is even more lost when he squints down. "…Hiro? What- you're- what happened?"

He's still clutching his elbow. "It's nothing," he says immediately. "I'm fine."

And then, like a single domino colliding with the others, a thought hits him: this is Tadashi's friend. He's gonna tell him, obviously. And Hiro will be even more busted.

This plan was dead from the start.

What was he thinking in the first place? He was just gonna scam the circuits all night, then waltz home without any consequences? Granted, he wasn't really thinking about going home at all, but… but now that's kind of the only option, isn't it? Except it's gonna be a million times worse now that he's got three freaking scars to prove that Tadashi was exactly right to worry.

This sucks.

He snaps to reality when the tall dude is reaching towards him. "You sure, man? That doesn't look good."

"It's _fine_." He scrambles away. "It's worse than it looks. I mean- wait, shit, it looks worse than it is. It doesn't even really hurt anymore." His point is undermined by a hiss of pain when his elbow rubs against the fabric of his shirt, but he bites back the pain. "Don't worry about it."

He's still looking at him, all worried and concerned and- and nervous, it looks like. "Why are you even out here this late, dude?" Glancing around, he suddenly starts whispering, as if he's afraid of other people hearing them. "What's going on?"

"It's fine." That's starting to become his favorite response. Hiro scowls. "It doesn't matter. I just need to-"

Get home.

Which is the LAST place he wants to be right now. Not for the first time, he grits his teeth and mentally berates himself. _Even if everything went perfectly, what did you THINK would happen when it was over? This is only gonna make everything worse. Cass won't let you out of the house till you're twenty-eight._

Hiro's pretty sure he's not thinking straight. It's been kind of a weird day, and the panic and excitement are starting to wear off, leaving mostly the realization that _oh, right, I have moderate wounds that need to be taken care of,_ and it's really difficult to figure out what he should do next, so he runs with the first thought in his head- he bluffs. "Well, what are _you_ doing here?"

The guy frowns, still looking startled, and shrugs. "Couldn't sleep, I guess? So I took a walk. Who cares? You're bleeding."

Wow, bluffing didn't work at all. Hiro swallows. "So, uh," he stammers. "I guess you're… probably…"

He doesn't say anything. Completely lost, Hiro flounders in silence for a moment, then gives up. "…You _can't_ tell my brother."

"…what?!"

"Please?" He whips his head back towards the alley, ignoring the ache, with the irrational fear in the back of his mind that a policeman is going to jump out of the shadows. Or Heavy. Or Aunt Cass. "It's complicated."

Once more, Fred- THAT was the guy's name, God, why was that so hard to remember- looks completely bewildered. Or maybe he just always looks like that. "What are you _talking_ about?" he says slowly. "Hiro, what's-"

"I really need your help, man."

That gets him to pause. It's weird, Hiro considers, asking for help from this guy he barely knows- but he doesn't have a whole lot of options right now.

Fred seems torn, but eventually shakes his head and grabs something out of his pocket; Hiro realizes that it's his cell phone. "Wait, don't!"

He looks up, and there's that blank look of fear again, but it's replaced by incredulity. "What? Come on, man, you- you should be at home! Or a hospital! I could totally call an ambulance. I could. I _should_."

"Please!" Hiro actually has his hand extended forward, like he's gonna dramatically beg for the guy to reconsider. He drops it back to his side. "Look, just… I can't go back home right now, okay? I can't."

If possible, Fred looks even more freaked out. "Hiro. Seriously. What the hell is going on."

Damn it, damn it, _damn it_. There's no good way out of this. He can barely walk, so just taking off and running isn't an option. Can't go home. Can't stay on the streets. And if he's being really, really honest with himself, he needs something for the arm. At least a way to wash the dirt out, if nothing else.

The next thought flies through Hiro's mind so quickly that it tumbles into words before he can think it over. "Can I stay at your place?"

Fred doesn't respond, and Hiro averts his eyes, looking down to the pavement. "Just… for tonight, obviously," he stammers. "I- I really, really can't go back home." Because they're gonna hate me, and I'm probably gonna hate them, and Tadashi will think he was right and everything's gonna suck forever. "Only for a little while. So I can-"

It's manipulative, and it's probably a rotten thing to do, but he uses just a little bit of the harmless-cute-kid attitude that's helped him out so often in the fights. He looks up slightly, with a tremor in his voice, and says quietly, "-just so I can get some sleep, you know?"

It's sad. It's pathetic. And it's probably the most real he's ever said something like that- he has absolutely no idea what he'll do if Fred says no. The helpless and vulnerable act isn't completely an act, this time.

But Fred is frozen, standing like a statue, staring down at him with pity and concern and a dozen other things he can't pinpoint. Finally, he blinks out of the daze.

"I don't know if…"

In the distance, waves crash on the rocks. Hiro feels like the entire world is in stasis.

Then, something odd.

It kinda reminds him of the time Fred was acting weird at the party. The guy blinks like he's just realizing where he is, then seems to frown and raise his eyebrows all at once. The overall effect is like someone getting good news while also being punched in the face.

"…yeah, sure."

There it is. The way out, the escape route, conjuring up a victory out of nothing at all, a way to stick it to Tadashi and dodge another million lectures. Against himself- actually, who's he kidding, it's _not_ against himself, he freaking loves it- Hiro feels kind of proud for finding a solution.

With a sigh of genuine relief, Hiro grins. "Cool. That- that rocks." He rubs his hand against his forehead, tired and relieved and ready to slow down. "Thanks so much, Fred. You're the best."

He must not hear him right away, because he takes a while before he finally responds. He's got a shaky smile. "No problem."


	36. Chapter 36

Tadashi's smart. It's not hard to think of the logical reasons that going home is the best course of action.

He's been driving recklessly, and he needs to calm down. He won't be any good to anybody splattered on the freeway somewhere. He's not following any leads, he's not leaving any idea behind that might help him find Hiro, and he's not abandoning hope. Besides, Hiro always comes back home.

He _always_ comes back home. Tadashi grits his teeth against the ache in his chest.

He's doing the right thing, so why does it feel like he's giving up?

When he finally pulls up to the café, it's still completely dark. The first signs of sunrise will probably start showing up. And maybe by then, maybe by the time an entire freaking night has come and gone…

Maybe Hiro will just magically show up.

…Fuck.

He parks the bike and halfheartedly punches the wall of the garage. If he's being honest with himself, exhaustion and lack of sleep are probably the only things keeping him from a complete meltdown at this point. Even as he's standing there, he can feel the dim, fuzzy sensation signaling he's just at the edge of falling asleep on his feet.

Maybe he's doing the wrong thing, but what else is there to do?

 _It's not what you should do now. It's what you should have done then._

Second-guessing himself every step of the way, he makes his way back to the attic.


	37. Chapter 37

"So… yeah." Fred gestures vaguely towards the room in front of him. "Make yourself at home, I guess."

The den is the same as the last time Hiro was here.

…Wow, _that_ memory's a kick in the head.

Not long ago. When they were all together, having fun, taking it easy for a single evening, except he was losing his mind the entire time, and he- Hiro was here, in this room, but last time Fred bailed and got ahold of Honey because he knew he needed help-

-but now he _invited_ him here-

"Cool." Hiro takes in the scenery with a sleepy sort of interest, then flops down on the couch. "Thanks again, man."

There's a ghost in his mind, pulling strings and making his mouth move to say "No prob, Bob," but it can't really be him. It can't be him, because there's no way he'd really be here, casually making jokes while Hiro's in his house, while he's _somewhere alone with Hiro._ "You okay to just sleep out here?"

"Yeah, absolutely." The kid's face darkens, and he reaches for his elbow again before standing up with a wince. "On second thought, can I use your bathroom? 'M gonna… I dunno, run it under cold water. I guess."

"Yeah," he says again. "Do you want me to-"

Hiro's partway to the hall when he looks back. "Huh? To what?"

 _You're really starting to lose it._

Fred blinks. "Uh… nothing. You can- you can use the shower if you need to."

"Oh." He looks down, hesitating. "I didn't, like, bring a change of clothes or anything."

"Right." And he wants to say _That's alright, you can borrow some of mine, and they'll probably be too big but whatever, you can use them if you want,_ but he doesn't say that because _fucking hell_. "Right, of course."

Hiro gives an uncomfortable shrug and slips out of the room. Fred doesn't move for a moment, then slowly sinks down onto the couch.

His thoughts are moving so quickly and slowly at the same time, but he's able to make sense of them eventually. He was gonna ask Hiro if he wanted him to… help. With his arm. Like he needs somebody to be there, caring for him, looking after him in the most literal way and- being close to him-

He feels like he's going to vomit.

 _"You_ can't _tell my brother. Please?"_

As if Hiro's trusting him over anyone else, even his own family, trusting him with a personal and intimate and unguarded moment, _sharing_ something with him, making him a part of his life-

 _Do you… want this?_

He can hear water running in the bathroom. The kid's washing away the dirt and the blood after a fight gone wrong- hurt, and probably scared, and needing someone to help. Fred doesn't know why that idea is so prominent in his mind. Something about it's just…

Exciting.

Secrets. Trust. Hiro, letting his guard down to ask him for something. Being open and vulnerable. All tangled in his intelligence, his mischief, his adolescent drive to walk the city at four in the morning, his unsure and worried eyes looking up at him while he asks _please_ under a moonless night by the waves of the bay.

What the _fuck._

He has his head in his hands, nails digging into his skull. This is- it's all wrong. It's all bullshit. He has to get him out of here, right now, but- but he can't just kick him out, the kid can't even _walk_ normally, so- what should- he should drive Hiro back to the café, he should just _make_ him go back, even if he doesn't want to.

But Hiro looked so desperate. And Fred's… tired. Exhausted, in fact, even though he feels like his brain is on fire at the same time. Fred stares down at his hands, and he's not sure if he'd be able to make another drive tonight, especially since it's more like morning at this point.

He doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't know what he _wants_ to do.

Maybe it's a while, or just a few minutes, but suddenly Hiro's back in the room. Fred nearly jumps. "H-hey! Hey."

If he notices, Hiro doesn't say anything. He's absently rubbing at his arm, staring up at the walls. "…Pretty wild," he remarks. When Fred follows his gaze, he sees the den's collection of superhero paraphernalia- not just the comics, and the action figures, but the rest, too. Special-edition T-shirts, movie posters, scale replicas of signature weapons and even a couple full-size costumes. Hiro has a glint in his eyes, now, darting over to take in some of the rarer editions on a bookshelf near the den's computer. "How'd you end up with all these?"

"Well- I kinda, like, collect them," he mumbles. That's obvious, though. That's not really what Hiro was asking. "Mostly I find things online, or at conventions and stuff."

"Whoa." Hiro's only half-listening, still wandering past video games and stacks of comics. _And it's an image all by itself, of the kid engrossed in things he finds interesting and cool, free to act young and childish and excited, an image that_ Fred doesn't think about. He doesn't.

The word _cute_ rings in his skull. He tries to ignore it.

"I've never seen this much superhero stuff in one place," Hiro says with something like awe. There's not a question in that, but Fred still feels like he should say something back, maybe explain why he likes the stories so much-

- _share something personal, something real, something he's never tried explaining to anyone-_

He shakes his head, and his voice doesn't have a trace of what's going on in his mind. "Yeah, always been a fan," he says. "It's like… people who can suddenly do more than they ever imagined, but- you know, they still have, like-" Gesturing vaguely with his arms, he frowns. "It's hard to put into words."

"No, I think I get it." Nose pressed against a glass display, Hiro squints at the caped costume inside it. "They still have problems and stuff? Still relatable?"

Fred blinks. "…Yeah."

"Huh." Hiro takes a moment, and when he speaks next, it's slower, like he's thinking it over. "Got in a fight with Tadashi about that once. Superhero movies and stuff."

"Huh?"

"You know. What makes them good." Hiro scratches his nose. "He said it's all about if people can relate or not, because if you can't, then there's no vested interest when they're in danger or whatever." Shrugging, he turns back to the rest of the room. "Personally, I think the superhero genre plays by a different set of rules, where it's more important for the protagonist to fit the spectacle of the story itself, rather than the audience's expectations."

For a moment, Fred just gawks at him, because holy crap, the kid can sound absolutely _smug_ when he wants to. Hiro eventually frowns. "What?"

He says out loud, "Sometimes I forget how smart you are, dude," but in his mind he's saying _that's like the way I think, because it's always been both, it's always about how they're larger-than-life and somehow human in the best/worst ways-_

 _And they can overcome anything, and it's all incredible and dazzling like you're in a dream, because it's another world where the rules are different and you don't have to worry about everything making perfect sense- and you don't have to worry about the shit that's going on in your own life-_

 _But sometimes you find the one where you_ can _relate, where someone has something awful that they can't control, something they don't know how to fix-_

 _And sometimes-_

-they're the villain.

He snaps out of his thoughts, and shoves both sides away- the one saying it's awesome to be having this conversation with someone who cares about this stuff, and the other saying this is wrong wrong wrong _wrong wrong wrong_ \- and raises an eyebrow at Hiro. "Well, maybe it's both, right? And that's why people like them so much. Because we see people doing crazy, awesome stuff, and- and maybe if we feel like they're like us, then-"

He might be imagining it, but it looks like Hiro's eyes light up. "Then we feel like we can do those things, too," he finishes with a slight grin. "That's… pretty cool. I didn't really think of that."

Something about the way he says it, genuine and eager and child-like _you're losing it, stop it, stop thinking about it, you're going insane_ makes him pause, and he rubs at his forehead again, taking the opportunity to close his eyes and take a breath.

But another thought jumps out, and it's Hiro's messy hair and cut-lip-smile _what do you want, what is it you really want_ and suddenly he wishes he could _be_ there for him, to protect him and care about him and hold him and-

And-

And a pang of disgust rocks his core, and his head hurts, and his knees feel like they're going to give out any second.

 _Too late, now you're thinking of something worse, something dangerous, something that ends in nightmares and news reports and doors that slam shut on prison cells_

"Holy shit!"

The blurted expletive makes him look up. "Sorry, that was- sorry," Hiro stammers. "Holy _crap._ " He's not in the same place as before; he's moved on from the display cases and bookshelves, and now he's by… the… computer. Fred's breath catches.

He's a Hamada. He absolutely, unequivocally knows computers. And if there's even the slightest chance he might find what's been on that screen- what Fred's been reading, what he's been doing with his time-

"Dude, I- where'd you even get this?" Hiro examines every corner of the computer, practically vibrating with energy. "I've only _heard_ about this model. It must have just come out this year, and I bet it's crazy expensive, but I guess that's not really a problem for you, huh? Man, I can't believe you have one of these. It looks like it should be in the freaking Pentagon. Can I-"

"No!"

…

Fred stops. His yell is still echoing off the walls of the den, or at least it seems like it is. Hiro's caught off-guard, looking up at him from the other end of the room, eyes wide and mouth slightly open- _young, hurt, beat-up, still angry with his family and scared-_

And maybe this is the moment. Maybe right now, he breaks down, and there's no way he can play it off as a joke or 'no big deal', and right here right now Hiro realizes something's wrong, and he leaves, he catches a tram and goes home where he should have gone hours ago and Fred stops lying and stops pretending and maybe right now right now right now _everything gets better._

…

It's like his mind hijacks itself. He's the funny guy, after all.

…

And he knows he can get Hiro to laugh. He knows he can come up with one more lie that works.

"Nuclear launch codes," he says offhand. "Pentagon, remember? If you see them, I might actually have to kill you. Sorry, dude."

Hiro laughs, and the thing that scares Fred- the thing that sends a jolt of panic straight through to his spine- is the warm, almost giddy feeling that laugh brings.

He's not okay. He's not normal; he's trying too hard, and if any of the others were here, they'd know he's being _too_ silly, and they'd know something's wrong. Hiro doesn't. So when Hiro grins, when he laughs, it's- it's different. It's doing something, it's messing him up, it's _cute_ -

And Fred knows what he wants. It's the stories on his computer, the heat rising in his face, the tension in his body and his thoughts. Faster than he can stop himself, he speaks.

"Hey, Hiro."

Stuck in a dream. Stuck in a nightmare. Stuck in a dream.

"Yeah?"

Mind spinning, out of control like a man falling off a cliff, jumping back and forth from what's real and what's not and what's driving him insane.

Fred hears himself saying it, like a recorded voice. Slowly. Haltingly. "Do you ever…"

This is how the script goes. This is how the story goes. Stuck in a dream.

It's destiny, right?

Hiro's frowning. "Ever what?"

 _Falling off a cliff-_

He breathes out, loudly, and it's an ugly and awkward sound but he covers it up with a cough and brings his hand to his forehead- harsh, almost like a slap, like he's trying to hurt, trying to focus on _something_ other than whatever he was about to say, and he shakes his head a few times, because if he doesn't think about it, maybe it won't jump out of him and ruin everything.

Hiro's still looking at him.

…

He can't focus. He can't think.

…

 _Well? What were you gonna say?_

 _He's waiting._


	38. Chapter 38

Sleeping was a bust. Tadashi couldn't even begin to doze off, so he camped out downstairs and paced the living room for a while.

He scowls. Truly, it was an important and clever use of his time.

He's sitting on the front steps, now, watching the sky gradually turn lighter and waiting to hear any notifications from Aunt Cass's phone back in the kitchen. Any news from the police is going to go straight there- but Cass fell asleep an hour or two ago.

His friends did too, probably. A few more texts to Wasabi yielded nothing, which practically guaranteed that he wasn't awake. Honey and Go Go had been trying to help earlier in the night/morning/whatever godawful period of time this is, but nothing since then. And Fred's been completely silent.

Which is a little strange, but Tadashi still feels bad about nearly bringing him to tears with the conversation yesterday; if he dragged him into the situation now, the guy would probably feel even worse. And any normal person would be asleep at this hour, anyway.

It's not really sunlight if the sun hasn't risen yet, but the pale air is getting brighter around him. It seems colder, too- there's a bite in the breeze that's making him shiver.

Wait, his… his arms are shaking.

Tadashi blinks a few times, before wrapping his arms around himself. It's fine.

For hours, now, he's been thinking solely about the practical side of it; running over the possibilities, where Hiro might be, what he should do, what's going to happen next. But now that he's alone, alone and not moving, he can't avoid the other thoughts that come pouring in.

He failed.

And just yesterday, he was talking to Fred about- about how he doesn't know what they'd think of him if they could see him now-

And his arms are still shaking.

Tadashi notices with a start that his breathing isn't normal, it's faster; he closes his eyes, willing the tremors to stop his hands from buzzing against his shoulders. He tries to breathe.

But he let them down. He failed Hiro, and Cass, and _if they_ could _see him now, they'd be so disappointed._ And he thought he was over this. He thought he'd moved on. This shouldn't be-

The next breath hurts.

This shouldn't be happening.

But he doesn't know how to stop it. Whatever's happening, he- he can't- He jumps to his feet, takes a few steps down to the thin strip of grass in front of the building, like he's about to take off running again, but he stops. Where would he even go?

…What now?

Now there's a chill running down his back, because it's way too close to what it felt like back then. The first time he realized there was _nothing_ he could do, that there was a question he couldn't answer, and Hiro's at the center of it all this time- but his parents are still there, on the edge, ashamed and betrayed and asking him _what now?_

The sun's coming up.

 _Aren't you supposed to be the genius?_

He shuts his eyes, like he can keep the tears from falling. He can't.

Because of course there's an answer, of course there's something that could fix all of this, but it's what he should have done days ago. Should have been smarter, should have known how to talk to Hiro, should have been a better brother and nephew and- and should have made them _proud-_

 _-and Fred said he thought they already were, but now that idea feels like a slap in the face-_

Tadashi sinks back down to the curb, hands pressed against his eyes, stifling the angry sobs that come through.


	39. Chapter 39

The quiet is getting uncomfortable.

Hiro shifts, moves his head, but he's still glancing up at Fred sideways. "You okay?" he says hesitantly. The guy was grinning at him and cracking jokes, like, two seconds ago- but now he seems frozen, like someone came along and slapped him in the back of the head. And Hiro's not scared or anything, but more than a few times, he's noticed that this house is freaking huge and kinda echoes, and it's a whole different feel with only a couple people instead of six.

Suddenly, Fred sighs.

"Sorry, little man," he says lightly. "I'm, uh, not feeling so great. Probably gonna tap out. See you tomorrow, I guess?"

Hiro frowns. "…Sure." It's weird, sort of, but it's nothing compared to how the rest of his evening went, so he lets it slide and shrugs. "I mean, it's kind of tomorrow already. But whatever."

"Yeah, _whatever_ , genius." Fred echoes the word with a laugh. "You should try to rest too, you know."

"Alright. Later." And Fred's already moving, slipping out into the hallway with a casual wave. Hiro leans back against the couch cushions, and _wow_ , maybe his brain is doing the subconscious-suggestion thing after Fred's comment about sleep, because exhaustion seems to slam into him like a fist to the gut.

Brass knuckles shine in his recent memory, and he scowls. Bad example.

But the late-night/early-morning is definitely getting to him, and he fishes his phone out of his pocket to see what time it is, and… shit, he forgot, he's had his phone turned off for a while now. No doubt there are a million angry texts and calls waiting for him. Just for a second, his stomach twists with guilt, but he shakes his head and drops the device face-down on the couch before he can think too much about Tadashi and Cass.

It doesn't matter. He can deal with all of that later. Right now, he just needs to focus on getting some sleep. The cushions are soft- _crazy_ fancy, with the little golden frills and everything, geez, literally _everything_ in this building is made for rich people- and Fred even left him a blanket, so the couch is fine.

It's fine. It's a perfectly adequate place to sleep. Arguably more comfortable than his bed at home. It's fine.

…

Goddamn, his arm hurts.

…

A few times, he drifts off for a short while, but he can tell by the aching tired feeling when he wakes up that it wasn't nearly enough. He turns over, shifts, tries to find the best and least painful position for his elbow, dozes off, accidentally rolls onto his arm HOLY HELL THAT HURTS, wakes up with a jolt, moves around again… a lot of time seems to blur together, and none of it is pleasant.

Finally, Hiro slowly drifts out of a half-asleep haze and- just for a moment- can't remember where he is. The giant couch is kind of disorienting for a while, but eventually he remembers the events of the last twelve hours as he stares up at the ceiling. Growling, he gives up on sleep and props himself up. It's not without regret that he swings his feet to the floor and stands up.

Normally, he'd be all for sleeping as late as he can. And this being an unsupervised, Cass-less morning (or afternoon, he guesses, whatever), he doesn't really have any reason he has to get up at a reasonable hour. But all the laziness in the world apparently doesn't hold a candle to an elbow that feels like sandpaper on a chalkboard every time he moves. On top of that, as soon as he starts moving, he can feel the dull pain of sleep deprivation pulling at his eyes and forehead.

Fantastic. He still feels exhausted, but can't sleep. Those are the _best_ days.

He blearily stumbles his way to the bathroom, only half-able to focus on what he's going to do next. The panic and nervous energy from the last evening is gone, mostly, and he's left with a sinking feeling of dread whenever he considers going home. But… there's not really any other choice, right?

Hiro splashes water from the sink onto his face, staring at himself in the mirror. Luckily, no obvious scratches there, but he's not going to be able to hide the slight limp and the constantly-aching elbow. With a start, he shuts off the faucet; he realizes he's not sure how long he left it running.

He should probably try to get some more sleep.

After grabbing a drink of water, he's back in the den. God, this is… it's just weird. This whole house. And it shouldn't be this _quiet._ He feels like something's gonna jump out at him, even though it's not dark or anything. Idly, he sidesteps the couch and wanders over to the displays again. All of Fred's geeky superhero stuff is on full display, obviously. And he'll admit, it _was_ kind of cool hearing about it all and seeing it for the first time. He almost felt a little bad that he couldn't muster up the enthusiasm that Fred could.

But then he notices the computer again. And grins.

Turning back to the hallway, he calls out as loudly as he dares. "Hey, Fred? You up?" When enough silence has passed, Hiro decides he's in the clear.

Just before sitting down, he hesitates. This is the kind of stuff Tadashi would normally call him out on- kind of creepy, in a voyeuristic way. And meddling. Pretty standard 'bratty younger brother' stuff.

Not that Hiro would ever admit to snooping on his older brother's computer.

But he really is curious. And Fred was acting _really_ weird. And he hasn't gotten the chance to monkey around with someone else's computer in a while- especially one this _nice._

There's only a twinge of guilt when he bypasses the password-lock to get into the computer at all. By the time he's on the desktop, not even that; he's too entranced by the numerous applications and programs. There's _so much stuff_ on here. The hard drive must be leaps and bounds more capable than the one on Hiro's laptop at home.

This is freaking awesome. Two different music-mixing setups, as if he used one for a while then switched to a better program. And it looks like there's _dozens_ of times more memory than Hiro's computer.

Lucky bastard, being born rich.

Hiro chuckles with the last thought, then notices the Internet browser. Once again, a slightly queasy feeling that he really shouldn't be doing this- but he moves past it, easily making his way into the search history and scanning through the lists. He's not… completely sure, why he keeps going. It feels like the same drive that convinced him to storm out of the house, to go deeper into the alleys until he almost couldn't come back out, to think quickly and ask Fred for help in the first place. It's like- like it's probably wrong, or a bad idea, but that's in the back of his mind, and it suddenly doesn't seem to matter as much. Instead, there's the rest of him, which is more curious than ever and needs to move forward and break the rules. It's kind of… exciting.

One title in particular catches his eye. Hiro brings opens the web page.


	40. Chapter 40

Fred dreams.


	41. Chapter 41

_The kid turns bright red, eyes wide. "W-what?" Just like that, he's more embarrassed than I've ever seen him. It's really cute._

 _"Well, do you?" I keep my voice casual, even though on the inside I'm getting more excited by the moment. "It's totally normal if you do, you know. Every guy does it."_

 _"Uh…" the boy stutters. He squirms uncomfortably on the couch, and I can tell he's never talked about it openly before. Typical dirty little kid; I bet he goes at it as much as he can, when no one else is around. Ask a simple question, though, and suddenly it's all taboo. "I mean…"_

 _I let him fidget for a while, then offer, "Well, I know I sure do." His head snaps up, and I try not to laugh at how shocked he looks. He's still got that adorable blush. "What? It feels good. And you know what's really cool?" I lean a little closer, like I'm sharing a secret. "It feels even better if you're with another guy."_

 _His eyes are about to pop out of his skull. God, he's even cuter when he's scared. But his little fingers are twitching against the cushions, and he keeps almost looking up at me- and I can tell he really wants to know more._

 _I've got him._

 _"Hey, man, relax." I offer a smile, and put my hand on his shoulder; it probably lingers there a little too long, "It's just me, right? We're both guys. It's no big deal. Besides-" I lower my voice. "It's kinda exciting to talk about, right?"_

 _He's still a little freaked out, but he offers a shaky smile. "R-right." He's so cute, and unsure, and helpless. It's quite the turn-on. And then, like he's doing it without thinking, he squirms in his seat again- but at the same time, he reaches down to his lap and 'adjusts'._

 _God damn, this is getting good._

 _Turning so I can face him better, I pull one foot up onto the couch and lean back. Now, legs spread, it's like I'm inviting him to be a little more open. "So how about it? You ever, you know… mess around with any of your friends?"_

 _I didn't think it was possible, but his face gets even redder, and he draws his arms close together. Oh, he totally has. Just like that, my mind's in overdrive- I'm picturing everything, games of 'doctor' and 'I'll show you mine' and little innocent experimenting, the kind that kids do. I can't believe how hot the idea is._

 _And then he ducks his head, and when he talks, his voice is so quiet I can barely hear it. "No," he murmurs, like he's afraid. "No, I've never even- I haven't shown anyone my…"_

 _Oh, God, that's even better. I almost lose control right there. This kid's everything I've imagined: curious, but inexperienced enough for me to teach him._

 _"Really? I bet you've got nothing to be ashamed of." He gulps, but he glances down to his lap again, and I can see in his eyes that he feels it, too. He's ready to be brave. To try something different. I make sure I catch his eye and smile again before I continue. "You could, you know. How about it?"_

 _As soon as he realizes what I mean, he panics. "What- what, you mean like-"_

 _"Yeah. Right here. Why not?" I wait a moment, then slap my forehead like I forgot something. "Oh, shoot, what am I doing? If you're gonna show me, then it's only fair I ante up, too."_

 _I stand up from the couch, and grab the edge of my jeans like I'm about to push them down right then and there. And he's staring at me, slackjawed, like he can't believe what I'm about to do. But he's not telling me to stop, either._

 _"Hey," I say quickly. "I got an idea. Why don't we do it together?"_

 _He blushes again. "At, uh, at the same time?"_

 _"Yeah! It'll be fun." I pointedly nod down to his waist. "You sure seem like you're up for it."_

 _He follows my gaze, then goes white when he notices how… 'excited' he already is. He's wearing thin basketball shorts, so it's pretty obvious. But I'm willing to bet no one's ever pointed out something like that so openly to him, so now he's even more embarrassed, and… this is the hottest thing I've ever seen. He's still scared, but he's caught up in it, now. And if I know boys, I know that he's not willing to back out when he's come this far. He has to see what happens next._

 _Sure enough, he stands up. His nose is even scrunched up- he looks so determined. "You ready?" I ask._

 _"Yeah," he squeaks. Hesitantly, he puts his fingers inside the rim of his shorts. "U-underwear, too?"_

 _"Yup. Everything." One more encouraging smile, and I can practically see him swell up with pride, even through the uncertainty. Pride that someone's trusting him, and telling him that he can do it, and sharing secret grown-up stuff. He's adorable. "One-"_

 _He swallows again, stealing another look towards his lap._

 _"Two-"_

 _Finally, he smiles at me._

 _"Three!"_

 _We both-_

 _…_

 _…_

 _…_

Scroll down.

 _…_

 _…_

 _…_

 _-panting, eyes wide-_

 _-"never done anything like this before"-_

 _…_

 _..._

 _..._

Scroll down.

 _…_

 _..._

 _..._

 _-put my hand on the kid's-_

 _-"told you, it feels better with someone else"-_

 _…_

Scroll down.

Scroll down.

SCROLL DOWN.

 _…_

 _-sweating, shaking, like it's his very first time-_

 _-can't hold back anymore-_

 _-his body tenses up, and then suddenly-_

 _…_

 _…_

 _…_

Hiro stops reading.


	42. Chapter 42

It's the longest day of his life.

Tadashi can't believe it's only afternoon; it feels like days have passed. He snaps out of half-dozing for the umpteenth time, shaking his head to clear away the haze, because- there's a sound- and he can't quite make sense of it for a moment, still lost in exhaustion and dizziness-

His freaking phone is ringing.

He scrambles to get to it so fast that he scrapes his knuckles against the ground. And the only thing that shocks him more than the call itself is seeing who it's from.

His hands are _still_ shaking when he raises the device to his ear and rasps, "…Hello?"

"H-hey."

"Oh my God." Tadashi breathes out, swallowing back a choking sensation as a million different emotions explode into his head. "Hiro- what- where _are_ you?"

"It's fine." He sounds rushed, panicked, speaking quickly and quietly. "I'm coming home. Be there soon."

"What? You're-" Hell, this is impossible, because half of him is so angry he can hardly get words out, and the other half is just so relieved that Hiro's _talking_ to him, that Hiro's _okay,_ but on top of that, all of him is still so confused and shocked that he has no idea what to say. "No, listen, I'll pick you up, alright? Where are you?"

"No, I'm- don't come get me." Fast. Desperate. Almost slurred together. "I'm already on the train. I'll be back soon. Just- don't worry about it."

Tadashi can't say anything for a second. "…Hiro, are you okay?" When his brother doesn't respond right away, he fights to hold back from yelling. "Hiro, answer me- are you hurt?"

"I said I'm fine." But the kid sounds like he's about to cry himself, and Tadashi wishes he could _see_ him so he could know what's wrong; and all the anger and confusion and relief jumps straight to worry, because he hasn't heard his brother sound this messed-up in a long time. "I know the train lines. I'll go downtown, then- find one to the café from there."

He grits his teeth. "Hiro. You-" _What's going on, what were you_ thinking, _are you okay, tell me you're okay, what happened, why aren't you telling me anything-_

"I'll be _fine_."

Hiro's voice was shaking, but he hangs up before Tadashi can say anything else. He doesn't answer the next six times Tadashi tries to call him back.


	43. Chapter 43

Fred wakes up slowly, light and sound leaking in like water, and he's still halfway in a dream when he opens his eyes.

The world of the dream's fading, and that's a shame, because it was a good one, right? Wasn't it- it was something about- something that felt good, felt right, that he wanted and now that he was finally getting it, he…

He remembers in an instant. But the realization of what it _means_ is slow, creeping over him, building up like a tidal wave before it crashes, and the lingering dread grows until he yells out and scrambles forward. Sitting up, breathing hard, he can only stare as the memories filter through.

No. No, no, this can't- he can't-

It's cold. It's really cold, or maybe it's not but he's shivering anyway, trembling like something above him is draining his breath away through his skin.

It's still. He's not moving, but he feels like he is, and he feels like he's about to fall or he's already falling and he's gonna hit the ground and break through and keep going until there's nothing left.

It's quiet. There's nothing but a ringing in his ears, and even that's getting louder or everything else is getting quieter, but in spite of all that, he can't stop thinking.

Because it's Hiro.

It's _Hiro fucking Hamada_.

And he tells himself it's just a nightmare, over and over, but he's had nightmares before, and they were never like this, never- _it's not a nightmare because nightmares don't feel like that-_

He tries to hold back the sound that's about to rip its way out of his throat, but there's only a strangled hiss as he sinks onto the bed with his head in his hands. What can he do? How can he stop thinking about it? A dream, like- it's not fair, he wasn't even _awake_ yet, and he couldn't do anything about it, it's absolutely fucking incredible how quickly a day can turn to shit-

He suddenly realizes he's been grinding his teeth, and the eventual pain distracts him enough that he can take a deeper breath and move, getting out of bed and standing on shaking legs. Screw it. Screw everything. He was doing _well_ , last night, he- he felt _strong_ , like he was finally doing the right thing- when he was freaking out, when he was at his absolute worst, he'd pushed every worry and every fear about what _might_ happen all together in a storm cloud overhead, and he'd been able to gather up all the strength he had left and tell the voice in his head to just fuck off, already, and- and it didn't matter whether it was panic or common sense pushing him, because he _got out of the room_ , he actually got himself to get some goddamn sleep instead of letting the whole night fall to shit again.

He actually, honestly thought he was doing something right. It seems stupid, now, so FUCKING STUPID that he believed any of this could be _good_ , or right, or anything that wasn't pathetic- but he _had_ to, he had to stop talking and stop laughing and get out of that room and get away from Hiro before something happened-

 _something like the dream-_

-had to start focusing on little things to keep from screaming, like walking into his room and closing the door and turning off the light and sinking down to the carpet and staring listlessly at nothing and letting his mind drift away because he was so fucking tired-

 _so easy so hard so impossible, so pointless, just walk away and lose your mind, but hey, it's better than almost-_

 _trying to-_

This is impossible. He has to think of something. He has to _do_ something, or he'll go crazy. The dream's still ringing through his mind, and he still hates every second of it but it's loud, and vivid, and he can't stop thinking about it- and he has to has to has to _has to he doesn't have a choice there's no other option_

 _just give in already_

But he can't think of it like that, can't _do_ that again, has to- find something else, think of something else-

But everything's so twisted in on itself, toxic to think about if he thinks too much like staring at the sun- every facet of what's happening is normal on the surface but hiding something terrible, and- he was so tired, he needed to crash, needed to fall asleep, what was he supposed to _do_ , he can't think of what he did wrong or what he should have done, because even now there's sleep pulling at the edges of his vision, and it feels like it's been years since he's had a normal night's sleep, and he can't stop thinking that he fucked up somehow, that he fucked up with every single choice he made yesterday, and the weeks before that, and every single day he's lived and walked and breathed ever since he found out _who he really is-_

 _and what if they knew the truth?_

He freezes again when his friends come to mind. Shit. What… how can he… what can he say? How can he face Honey again? What can he possibly say to explain?

And Tadashi.

This time, he doesn't make any sound. He's not sure he's breathing. Because Tadashi Hamada, his best friend and the single smartest and strongest person he's ever met, is going to hate him. And he'll deserve it. There's no explaining this.

He's grinding his teeth again. Hiro Hamada was _at his house_ , what was he _thinking_ , this is so fucked up- and God, what if the kid's still here? It's like something entirely different, not just thoughts or feelings, but something other that rockets through his heart and his mind, made up of terror and hope and dark, dark ideas, all revolving around the idea of _what if he's still here-_

He's moving, out of his bed, out of the room, darting through the hallway and zeroing in on the den where he left Hiro last night; he has to know, he needs to know for sure what's going to happen next…

…

Hiro's gone.

…

And the thing that absolutely destroys Fred, that sears his soul and condemns him in a voice like thunder, is the fact that part of him feels _disappointed._

 _And Hiro's more than cute, he's beautiful, now everything about him is appealing and attractive, smart and funny and adorable and living a crazy life with his own problems and hopes and worries, and he wants to be a part of that life, he wants to be near him and talk to him and experience everything Hiro does, and more than all of that, he wants-_

 _Wants to-_

"Stop it," he says suddenly, as if he can shut down his own thoughts. It's stronger than he ever would have thought, and he doesn't know if it's a spontaneous crush or maybe more, maybe something that's been growing over a long time and he just hasn't let himself face it, hasn't admitted that it's always been _him_.

"What the hell?" he whispers, and the words feel good, so he says them again. "What the hell?" It's so fucked up, but he can't do anything to stop it. Can't fight it. Can't do anything except dread what dream will come next.

He's burning up. He's losing his mind.

Hiro _looked_ at him, and laughed at his jokes, the kid with the electric mind and sparks in his eyes, vibrating like static and living and fighting and getting hurt-

And suddenly there's something he needs, more visceral and urgent than he's ever experienced it, and there's no time to stop, no voice in the back of his mind telling him to fight. There's just Hiro. Just the dream. Just… fantasy.


	44. Chapter 44

He doesn't know exactly where Fred's mansion is, but he does know the tram system. So once he hops a ride to the city's center, he's able to figure out which line is going closest to the Lucky Cat, and it doesn't take long from there. The fight money is more than enough for two tickets.

The bills had a little bit of blood on them, but whatever.

Hiro tries to focus on stuff like that. Dumb stuff. How some of the money ended up being really obvious counterfeits. How the lady sitting on the other side of the streetcar is reading a manga with a giant robotic dancer on the cover, how two of the three scrapes on his elbow have already started to heal up, but the third one's in a really crappy spot, so it keeps stretching and bleeding just a _little_ bit, never enough to make him consider getting a real bandage or whatever, and besides, medical stuff was never really his thing anyway, and he'd rather just hurry up and get home already, get away from that mansion already-

 _"Have you ever…"_

The tram hits a bump on the track, and he hisses against the jolt of pain from his arm. He's not thinking about that. Obviously. He's not. Because every time he _starts_ to think about it, he feels sick, like he's about to shut down, like he'll never be able to sleep again, so he pushes it all away, focusing on…

…What he's gonna say when he gets home.

His stomach drops, but there's not enough time, because suddenly they're stopped. Is it this stop already? It can't be. The electric sign on the ceiling reads 'Takeshina Street', and… yeah, this is it. He scrambles to leave before the doors close, taking the last couple steps at a jump; not a great move, since it flares up the slight pain in his knee again.

What on earth is he doing? Last night he was storming away from this place, and now- well, now he's crawling back, and Tadashi's gonna be…

He hesitates as the tram drives off.

…It's tough to think about everything he said to Tadashi and Cass. But- even so, he needs to be home. So he runs, jogging as fast as he dares with everything still aching.

And runs. Faster, soon enough.

Now he's sprinting, even with the limp, like something's chasing him, it _feels_ like something's chasing him, running him down with Heavy's shining grin and calm words hiding something bad- someone who wants something _terrible_ -

Tadashi's out front, standing near the café's entrance.

Pavement, curb, grass, steps, and soon Hiro's only a few yards away from the building, but he stops just as Tadashi sees him. He breathes hard, winces against the anguish in his arm, tries to figure out a last-minute plan of how he can explain, what he's gonna say… but there's nothing. He can't think of anything at all.

And Tadashi must be so angry, but maybe he's relieved to see him too- or maybe he's smug, because he was right, _I told you so_ , or maybe he's-

"Hiro? Hiro!"

His brother's suddenly right in front of him, and pulls him into a tight embrace immediately. It's safe, just for a moment, because Tadashi's always been there to comfort him if he needs it, whenever something goes wrong, and he's here now, because _everything_ went wrong- Tadashi's arm scratches against the cuts on his elbow, and Hiro yelps in pain. _Damnit,_ he's… he was wrong. And the proof's right here. Tadashi's gonna be mad, and he's gonna punish him, and he's gonna make Hiro admit that he fucked up.

"What happened?"

The words are urgent, but strong. Tadashi is _demanding_ an answer, this time. Hiro looks up, and his brother's eyes are as scared as he's ever seen them.

He's worried. He's afraid. And Hiro's never felt more awful, because he suddenly realizes how _freaked out_ his brother must have been while he was gone.

He's still talking. Tadashi's still asking, trying to get him to talk back, and Hiro realizes with a start that he's been standing still, staring at the ground, and it's probably only scaring Tadashi even more.

"-wrong? Hiro, what's going on?" He has his hand on Hiro's shoulder now, and there's a second where he almost recoils and jumps away, because _that's what happened in the story, he put his hand on the kid's shoulder, and Fred was-_

"Hiro, come on, _what happened?"_

 _-oh my God-_

Hiro moves before he can think any more, dashes forward and hugs his brother as fast as he can. He's not sobbing, but he's definitely shaking, head pressed against Tadashi's side and trying to slow down, trying to relax and forget the bot fight and the bleeding arm and the weird looks Fred kept giving him and the _story_. "I'm sorry," he stammers; it all flies out in a rush, how he didn't mean to make everybody angry and he doesn't know why he keeps fighting, fighting his family and fighting robots, and he's so freaked out because-

…

"Because what?" Tadashi was stunned at first, but now he's just letting him stay there, like he knows Hiro needs a minute to calm down. He's hugging him back, too, but he still sounds worried. "What were you gonna say?"

He almost does. He opens his mouth.

 _How do you say it?_

"Hiro? Hiro, what's wrong?"

 _Your friend, he's…_

"...Come on, bud, you're freaking me out." He says it more lightly, like he's almost trying to make a joke. But Hiro sniffs, a more crying-like sound than he expected, and Tadashi's panicked tone only gets worse. "Hiro, I'm serious. Please, just- say something."

Hiro takes a deep breath.


	45. Chapter 45

There's really only one thing to do.

Fred's mind is alive, and wild, and demanding, and he's buzzing and shaking with disgust and fear and something else, something dirty and hateful and ravenous. So when he absolutely can't stand it anymore, he-

-just-

-gives-

-in-

...

Part of him's screaming that he could have fought, could have stopped reading, should have punched a hole in his computer and thrown the keyboard out the window, should have moved backward through time until he hadn't done any of this, should have taken a few too many pills, should have _made sure Hiro never came to your house, you fucking psycho._ Part of him doesn't care.

…

He doesn't need much convincing, this time. He's already on-edge. Stressed. Like his entire body's racing like a heartbeat. It's not much of a decision.

...

It's normal, after all. Everyone does it. Isn't that how it works? Every guy who's ever lived.

...

Everyone does it.

…

Probably even-

…

 _-even Hiro-_

HIRO.

He's biting his tongue when he finishes, in front of the toilet like a drunk man, on his knees and breathing hard and-

and-

 _AND THE WORST FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE IN THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT A FUCKING CHILD_-

He blinks when a drop of blood falls from his mouth, into the white of the toilet bowl.

 _HE WAS HERE, RIGHT HERE, AND YOU ALMOST-_

He's tired.

 _SO FAR GONE THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN TRY TO FIX IT-_

He's really tired.

 _EVER SEEN THE TRUE FACE OF EVIL_ -

Reaching for the handle, he stands as he flushes it all away.

 _THE ONE THING EVERYONE KNOWS IS DISGUSTING AND WRONG AND FUCKING SICK-_

He washes his hands.

 _REAL EVIL-_

He washes his hands.

 _DARKER THAN ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER IMAGINED-_

He washes his hands.

 _FUCK YOU-_

Water rushes between his fingers, but they're not clean. He stares down, like he can't understand why his hands don't feel right anymore.

 _JUST DIE-_

Fred looks up, and sees his own face in the mirror, staring back at him with a blank expression.

 _DIE-_

 _AND THEN-_

His head is buzzing. He feels like there's cotton in his bones, muffling everything and building up static. He closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, a normal college guy is blinking back at him.

He shuts them again. Open. Now it's a scared kid, looking at him like he's desperate for something that'll keep him from losing his mind.

Once more. Now, he's looking at someone who should-

who should-

 _BURN IN HELL-_

It's the difference between thoughts and actions, just like Heathcliff said. This time, though, it's not comforting. It's damning.

He wishes he could throw up. That'd feel better, he thinks. He doesn't, though. He doesn't hate himself enough. He should be more angry. He should be more disgusted. The emotions don't match what he's thinking, the fire he feels in half his blood doesn't match the way his eyes are drooping and his thoughts are foggy and slow, none of it _fits_ , none of it makes _sense_.

So when he walks out of the bathroom, when he finds his phone and turns it back on and starts typing out a message, when he spells out the decision he hadn't realized he'd already made, he isn't shocked. It's more like he's watching it all happen to someone else.

He imagines the San Fransokyo Bridge, a dying red in the light of the sunset.

 _-i wish it would just end_


	46. Chapter 46

Tadashi Hamada will do anything to protect his brother.


	47. Chapter 47

-Fred? What does that mean?

-Fred?

...

-No, please, Fred, turn your phone back on

-Fred!

-ohmygod I don't know if youre

-are you

...

...

...

 _Beep._

"Fred! No, you're- your phone isn't- please, _please_ pick up! You can't just- you can't write something like that and then-"

…

 _Beep._

"Freddie, I'm begging you, pick up your phone. I'm not- I can't-"

…

 _Beep._

"I'm coming over. Please, don't- don't do something you'll-"

…

…

…

 _Click._


	48. Chapter 48

The wind is brutal.

It tears at him, pummels him, in waves and gasps like the breath of a dying man. He's got his hand on the railing, though, and no matter how strong the gale grows, he doesn't move. Not yet.

Below- he's not sure how far, maybe a hundred feet- is a wide ribbon of black. He thinks he can see the water moving, with tiny whitecaps from the wind, but it's too far away to be sure. It looks cold. Freezing, even. He never thought about it before, and now it's all he can think about.

Cold. It would only be seconds. Cold.

He shakes his head, because he should be more agitated, right? He should be panicking. Terrified. Or gravely accepting, with an otherworldly sense of calm because he finally knows what he's doing. He knows what will happen, and he knows why, and it all makes sense, and after this he won't have to worry about anything else. No one else getting hurt. No more nightmares. No more running the same paranoid thoughts through his mind every night.

He's never done this before. He's not sure how he's supposed to feel. Right now, he's just tired.

He moves his hand, and the railing sticks to his skin for a second. Nothing is happening the way he thought it would. Or… how did he think it would go? It's tough to remember, for some reason. He's just standing here. He doesn't even feel resigned, right now. He's just standing, and that's all there is in the world.

He tries to drum up the thoughts that led him here, but the cold and the wind and the howl in the air around his ears is too distracting. Maybe he's not determined enough. Maybe he's a poser.

It takes courage, on some level. Doesn't it? And he's not sure he has what it takes.

Maybe he's too scared to do it.

Dimly, the thought goes through his mind that this is the part where something unexpected happens, someone comes along to change the way he's seeing it all, maybe a passing stranger or a phone call that makes him… makes him step back, and…

His phone is off. He turned it off, before- then on again to send a text, then off. That's right. He forgot.

Slowly, feeling again like he's watching someone else do it, he takes his cell from his pocket. This is what people do, right? In the stories. They're about to end it all, and then they make a call that changes everything.

Right?

He doesn't really believe it. He doesn't really think it'll change anything, but he turns it on anyway, and- and there are so many calls, just from this afternoon alone, so many times his friends have tried to get ahold of him. It makes him choke, makes his vision blur and his throat tight because he can't imagine talking to any of them right now, but it hurts even worse to imagine what they'd say if they could see him now. See him here.

He can't talk to Honey right now. He can't talk to Tadashi. And he almost throws the phone over the edge.

But there are a lot of messages, too. Mostly Honey, it looks like- she must have been worried when he didn't answer. There are even a few from Heathcliff.

Fred looks down to the water again. He'll… listen to one. Might as well. It probably won't change anything, hearing Honey's voice, but he'll do it.

The wind howls, and he raises the phone to his ear. Earliest message first. From yesterday, looks like.

 _Beep._

"...Hey. It's, uh, it's me."

He freezes. That's not Honey.

"Figured I'd... leave this. I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, so, yeah."

Is she going to tell him how awful he is? How disgusted she was when he told her, that morning in the lab?

"Look, I- I'm not-" Silence for a few moments, then a noise of frustration. "Jesus, this is tougher than I thought it'd be. Look, Fred, I'm sorry. Alright?"

A particularly strong gust hits him, and he closes his eyes as his hand shakes against the railing.

"I'm definitely still mad that you tried keeping everything from me, and basically ditched everyone for a week. That's still, you know, that's a thing."

 _But what about the rest_ , he wants to scream out, but he doesn't want to hear it- he doesn't want to know how much she hates him, doesn't want to imagine what it was like to learn it all for the first time. It had to be awful, suddenly knowing the worst part of him, and he's angry again because why on earth did he force her to confront that? Why did he think he needed to tell her? They're old thoughts, old and painful and probably damaging, but he can't dismiss them as easily as he used to, and he can't avoid the feeling that he's sliding backwards, back, back, to the other end of the bridge and over the edge-

"I wish I'd reacted better. I mean, little late for that now, but... yeah. I really am sorry."

...

Fred doesn't move. He doesn't breathe.

...

"Look, I'm- I'm not like Honey."

…

The sun's dipping below the clouds, but not the horizon just yet. The city is alive with pink and gold.

…

"I can't just... see someone, and know right away what's going on. People talk about 'acting different', and 'something's off with them', and crap like that, and I don't- I don't always see it. I don't know."

He's crying, almost, and he's not exactly sure why. The wind feels like it's freezing the edges of his eyes.

"...Before my family moved to the city, there was this kid who lived across the street from me. She- her dad would- she-"

She sounds so _quiet_ , and Fred's glad she can't see him, glad she's talking in the past and not the present because he's standing at the top of the world with a phone in his hand and the sun's disappearing and the water looks closer and closer.

"We were sort of close. Saw each other a lot. She hung out at my place once in a while. And I never... saw anything. I never noticed."

Oh, _fuck_ , she's… this is a story about someone else. Someone who- who did the things he's only had horrifying dreams about doing. That's why she was so mad, that's why she hates him, that's why she'll never forgive him-

"She tried to run away. Turned into this big thing, police showed up, and, uh... Eventually, we found out that her dad was hitting her. I mean, had been. For years, and- and I didn't-"

Go Go's voice cuts off, abruptly, and Fred is terrified for a second that the message ends there. But there's a sound, soft and far-off like she moved away from the phone to compose herself. Then-

"I never saw her again. They sent her to her grandparents' or something. And I just kept thinking, you know? There was this whole nightmare, and I couldn't even see it. I couldn't do anything to help. I-"

He stares at the rainbow clouds, hanging on every word.

"I didn't know."

...

Breathe. In, out. Frigid stabs of air against his lungs.

...

"So when you... when you said that, I just..."

...

"It wasn't easy to hear it, I guess. It was like- like I failed again."

Now he _is_ crying, and he can barely hear it against the wind but it's there, and- God, why does it hurt so much?

"Some friend, huh?" She sounds bitter, like she's angry and disappointed with herself. "I keep thinking I should have noticed something was wrong, or… or maybe…"

She trails off, and Fred lets himself lean against the railing for a second. He's weak, he's shaking in the gale, he can hardly stand because _she's_ apologizing to _him,_ she's saying she did something wrong and _she wants to help him._

They're so good. All of them, they're so- good, and strong, and kind, and they don't know it.

"I mean it. I'm sorry."

No, don't be. Please- please, don't be.

It's not your fault. None of this is-

It's not your fault-

It's mine-

It's-

…

…

…

 _No._

Fred grabs the railing tighter, pulls until his hand aches and the cold metal feels like it's burning his skin- and he closes his eyes, and listens to the howl of the wind moving past in a pattern, rising and falling like music, like waves, and he can smell the salt and the spray of the ocean. When his eyes snap open, he sees the brilliant lights in the sky, half a sun piercing orange through the clouds while streaks of every color swirl together on the horizon, all mixing together into blue the farther up the light reaches. It's all here. It's all real.

He's here, right now. He's alive, and he's real, and- and he can feel himself slipping back, the pull of _it's my fault_ and _I don't deserve them_ and _they're better off without me_ -

 _And Hiro-_

 _I deserve to-_

And he fights.

He steps back from the edge.

"Look, Fred, I've been thinking a lot about- what you said."

Honey Lemon was trying to tell him the whole time. It's something here, something in Go Go's voice, something in Tadashi's laugh and Wasabi's worried questions and the sky over the bridge.

"It must have been crazy tough. Telling me like that."

In the way Heathcliff wants to help him, wants to see him grow up and find joy and live his life-

Life.

"So… I don't know." She's kind of mumbling, like she's embarrassed to be so open with what she's saying. "The point is, you're pretty tough, too."

He reaches out; he takes hold of the words like a lifeline, spinning them over and over in his mind and not letting the doubts come back, not about this, because it's not _him_ saying it, it's one of his closest friends, and he can trust them. He can.

The message ends.

Slowly, Fred brings the phone away from his ear, and stares at it for a moment. Everything's flying at the edge of his thoughts, the dream from this morning and the vision of what he was prepared to do, and Go Go's story and every time Honey Lemon has tried to help him.

He's weak. He knows he is. He wouldn't have gotten nearly this far if it hadn't been for his friends.

And he almost-

But that doesn't matter, because he _is_ here. And just for a second, the whole world seems to be opening up before him, full of pain and struggle and trying to fight his own mind day after day, trying to convince himself that he can trust the others, trying to believe that even the smallest amount of change is possible. Just for a second, it's so daunting that he can't move.

He can't do it. He can't face that life. He can't move forward.

Can't.

It's impossible.

He's hopeless.

…

He can picture it. One step forward. Falling. Cold. The grip of panic when gravity tears him apart. The water, ending everything. Ending the worrying, ending the thoughts that spin in circles without every solving anything, ending the way he hates himself so much it hurts. Ending any possible chance of someone getting hurt.

Fuck, would it… be the right thing to do? He can't stop imagining what could have happened the night before. Hiro was _right there._

A thought appears, and this time he has no idea if it's right or wrong, harmful or helpful, real or imagined: _Hiro Hamada would be safer if I was dead._

And Fred realizes it all comes down to a question. He's been so caught up with his friends, angry and scared and demanding and questioning and reaching out to them- so he focuses on them.

If they were here, this second, and they knew- if they knew _everything_ \- would they tell him to jump?

…

…

…

HL, I lied again.

…

…

…

Wasabi, I never even _told_ you.

…

…

…

Go Go, I don't deserve your help.

…

…

…

Tadashi, I'm a monster.

…

…

…

And some far-reaching part of his mind, some desperate plea reaches out and grabs onto hope, clinging to a thought that's tentative and fragile, but he holds it and cradles it like he's bringing a flame to life and he-

 _"-we're hurting, too. And if we can't help each other, then what's the point?"_

-realizes-

 _-Not everything has a solution, but nothing's really hopeless, you know?_

-the answer-

 _"The point is, you're pretty tough, too."_

-is-

 _"I'm serious, man! Do you think I don't get it?"_

-no.

…

He steps back. The world is still full of bright, terrifying colors. It's still cold. He's crying, again.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

…What now?

He looks down at his phone, then back to the sky overhead. His thoughts are still scattered, still flying, still trying to catch their breath while he stands at the top of the world.

And it builds up slow, realization and acceptance and dread. Because he-

-he has to tell Tadashi Hamada everything.

Fred's not ready for the onslaught of panic, objecting and shouting him down because he _can't_ , he's too exhausted and battered and he almost _died_ just now, and for a moment he almost drowns in the fear and the worry again. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that he- he could have-

It doesn't change what happened with Hiro.

Fred closes his eyes again, and can't focus on anything except breathing. He needs help. He needs a chance to break down and start untangling everything in his head. But more than that- _before_ that- he needs to make things right, as much as he can.

He's never been this terrified in his life.

But it's time.


	49. Chapter 49

Hiro's okay. He's in the attic, getting some rest. Tadashi wanted to talk more, but he refused. Besides, he already told him enough.

Cass is okay. Hiro couldn't bring himself to tell her the whole story. So she only read him half the riot act, and has spent most of the afternoon cleaning up the scrapes and gashes on his arm and side.

Tadashi drives, and breaks several traffic laws. In his mind, two faces are staring him down, faces he hasn't seen in years. They're angry. Disappointed.

...

...

...

Anything at all.


	50. Chapter 50

It's nearly sunset. The sky has clouded over, mostly.

Fred's back home.

He doesn't move for a moment, doesn't go through the front door just yet. From the top of the steps, he stares at the grand mansion in front of him. It's tempting to go in, try to rest, maybe get some water, calm down a little- but then he'll just be putting it off even more. And Heathcliff's probably running around somewhere inside. Better to just do it now.

He swallows, and taps the screen on his phone.

…

Nothing. It rings for a while, then goes to voice mail.

He still feels cold, even though there's no wind, here.

"Hey! You've reached Tadashi Hamada."

The bridge feels like years ago. But, at the same time, he's still there every time he closes his eyes, still balancing on the edge, still staring down at the waves.

"I'm just so, so sorry I missed your call, but hey, lemme make it up to you!" The voice is light, goofy, probably recorded years ago. "Leave your name and number, and we'll see if we can mend this fence. What do you say?"

Against himself, Fred grins a little.

 _Beep._

He tries-

He tries to-

It shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't be _impossible_ , all he needs to do is ask him if they can talk sometime, because there's no way he can say it all over the phone, but now he can't even say _anything_.

A few raindrops hit his hand.

Silence is blaring out of the speaker on his phone. He tries to think of what Honey told him, but he's panicking so much that it's hard to remember.

"Hey… Tadashi, uh, listen…" He stops, pauses, breathes, stares up at the gray sky, hates that he can't stop replaying the last twenty-four hours over and over in his head, breathes again-

Fred hears a motor pulling into the driveway.

He doesn't immediately have a clear idea of who it might be, because there's no room for anything but shock and alarm, and his thoughts jump to a blind panic as he turns and- sees-

What.

No.

No, not now. He's not ready.

Tadashi isn't looking at him. He's staring down, moving the kickstand into place so the moped doesn't fall. Then he's moving to the steps. Fred still can't see his face clearly.

His mouth is dry. "T-Tadashi, man, what's- what-"

And suddenly, he can tell. Just by seeing him. Tadashi hasn't looked up yet, but it doesn't matter.

Holy shit, he _knows._

Fred actually, physically steps back, nearly backs into the closed front door, and he can feel his heartbeat like a ticking clock but he can't think of what he was going to say, can't remember how to start, how to explain, how to say anything at all- because there's nothing _to_ say, is there? There's no way out. The fear, the trepidation, the _punishment_ he's felt bearing down on him for weeks is finally crashing down. And he'll deserve it.

"Fred."

Tadashi's at the top of the steps, and he finally looks up, and- and Fred's never seen this person before. He's never seen someone this angry, staring at him with trembling shoulders and eyes like frayed wires, about to spark and burn and kill, with rumbling darkness in his voice. He almost speaks, then chokes back whatever he was going to say, and he's still just _looking_ at Fred, God, he's looking at him and Fred can't hold eye contact because it hurts too much, because Tadashi's eyes are cutting through, ripping away at his mind.

More rain's falling, now, and the pavement is growing darker with stains.

It stretches on, silence that's only drowned out by too-loud raindrops clattering against the ground; Fred can't say anything.

Suddenly, Tadashi speaks, in a voice so quiet it doesn't even sound like him.

"It's my brother, isn't it?"

…

Everything he ever feared, in five words and a look. He's drowning, falling, choking, and terror isn't just wrapped around him now, it's inside him, squeezing his life away, and he knows without a doubt that he doesn't deserve the chance to escape. He thought he could do this, thought he _needed_ to do this, but- but he's not ready. He could never be ready. Because Tadashi knows, already, he definitely knows, but maybe he was holding out on some desperate hope that he was wrong, and now Fred has to bring that hope crashing down-

Tadashi is staring at him. "Well?" It's harsh, louder, like metal scraping stone.

He wants to lie.

It comes out of nowhere, and he can feel it- the voice, the pull, the draw that kept him from the truth so many other times, kept him smiling and manipulating and joking and giving half-answers until his friends stopped suspecting anything was really wrong. And the worst of it, the idea that makes his stomach drop and his mind twist in on itself, is that he _can._ He'll lie, and he'll spin a reason, and he'll say he doesn't know what Tadashi is talking about, and- and he'll be able to find a way out, he'll say he just offered Hiro a place to crash, he'll keep it light, and Tadashi will believe him, because they've been friends for such a long time-

No.

 _it'll work, just smile, think, make the joke, he'll buy it, do what you always do, just LIE_

He can't. He won't.

…

Thunder rumbles.

…

Fred looks at his friend. "…Yeah," he rasps, hating himself as he says it. "It's Hiro."

Movement. Sound.

He doesn't have time to react- his back crashes against the door, and the base of his skull follows immediately- Tadashi must have darted forward, and now he has both hands grabbing the front of Fred's shirt, pressing him up and into the frame- his feet are almost off the ground- it _hurts_ , like he's getting crushed, and one of Tadashi's fists is pressing against his collarbone, almost at his throat, almost choking him-

And when he can focus again, he can't fathom the face in front of him. Tadashi is just as rain-drenched as he is, and he's shaking, eyes wide, furious, but there's a cold power in the way he's staring him down, ready to- to- _you're going to die he's gonna kill you_ \- he looks like a hero, about to destroy the villain, someone wounded seeking revenge, because this is what he's been _terrified_ of for nights and nights and nights, this is righteous retribution, this is a good man seeing him for what he is and bringing the filth into the light to be judged-

"Listen," Tadashi spits, cold and rough. "I'm- I'm just gonna ask you, and don't you _dare_ lie, alright?"

He's back on the bridge, back on the cliff, and the faces are staring at him again.

"Did you-" One of Tadashi's hands pulls away, curls, forms a closed fist. "Did you do anything?" Halting, like he despises the words he's saying. "Anything at all. Ever."

He had no idea what real fear felt like.

Not before this.

Because this, right now, is everything he's ever dreaded since the first day he suspected something was wrong, _what if they find out_ _what if I do something terrible_ , visions and nightmares of handcuffs and locked doors and crying kids-

-news reports, men staring out of mugshots, national headlines, 'what kind of sick fuck would do that to a _child'_ -

-and a friend, condemning him for the refuse that he is, ready to tear him apart for even _thinking_ about that, about _his brother-_

 _-you're gonna die-_

-he can't say anything can't think can't move can't breathe _so scared so tired so sick of all this_ and Tadashi's going to kill him, they're both trembling, wounded, falling apart- and Tadashi's eyes go wider _-_

 _-because Fred isn't saying anything he's not denying it-_

"GODDAMNIT!" Tadashi screams, inches from Fred's face, the shrill noise cracking through the twilight like a gunshot. "Do I need to call the fucking cops or not?!"

…

The rain's falling faster.

Suddenly, Fred understands.

He looks at his best friend, and he sees how Tadashi's shaking and furious and _hurt_ , and he realizes that he did this. Tadashi loves his brother so freaking much, and Fred's seeing exactly what that looks like. Because he scared him. He hurt him. And none of it is a secret, now.

It hits him, it's a thunderbolt, it's cold water, it's walking into the sunlight; the voice stops, pauses, drowned out by the realization that there's nothing left. No more lies. Finally, for the first time, Tadashi is seeing him with all the bullshit stripped away.

There's nothing left to hide.

He's free.

Fred chokes on horror, but he breathes as best he can. "No," he says, and the sound is so faint and weak that he knows he didn't hear him, so he says it again. "No."

 _what is it you really want_

Tadashi stares at him, rain in his eyes and one hand still pulled back.

 _maybe you want him to hit you, attack you, hurt you_

He doesn't say anything.

 _because that's the only way any of this makes sense_

And Fred can _see_ fury rising up, shaking his fists and twisting his mouth and flooding out of his eyes.

 _and you think it would be right, you think you'd deserve it_

"I swear, I didn't do anything."

 _because the lies were the only thing keeping him from killing you_

…

…

…

 _unless_

…

…

…

Tadashi lets him go.

Fred doesn't move, still standing against the door because he's pretty sure it's the only reason he's not collapsing to the ground right now, and struggles to breathe evenly as adrenaline and panic start to fade. Tadashi takes a step back, and grits his teeth, and- and it looks like he's fighting something. He closes his eyes, wipes the rain out of his face, stands still for a moment, then… looks up.

Quiet thunder sounds out, again.

Tadashi blinks, and it still looks like he's shaking. He exhales once more, and he almost seems to shrink back, like he's finally letting go of something. And the anger's not there, fully, because he looks tired. As exhausted as Fred feels. He looks- finished.

"Okay," he says, and breathes again. "Okay."

Fred almost doesn't hear it with the rain, but his head snaps up when the hum of an engine rings out. Tadashi turns, too, in time to see a car pulling into the drive. The engine dies. Someone steps out into the rain.

Honey Lemon's here, staring up at them both.

Fred almost says something, but Tadashi cuts him off. "Look, you-" He starts again, but drops his gaze. "…You need to get help. You _have_ to."

And just for a second, it's almost like before. Sitting on a park bench, staring out at the world, earnestly sharing his story and trying to find some way of getting through to Fred, trying to _help_ him- but it stops abruptly, and Tadashi scowls and turns back, down the steps.

Fred's standing still, watching him, thoughts locked in place. He can't understand what happened, can't make sense of Tadashi's actions, can't do anything but freeze and let the cold-warm-terrified-excited-withered-explosive feeling rush through his head and into his chest, until a single thought collides with everything else and shoves it all away.

 _It's over._

And Tadashi passes Honey Lemon-

-and she tries to say something to him, but he just stalks away, and she gives up and looks up at Fred, and she must be able to tell, she has to know what happened, even if she doesn't know the whole story-

 _Oh my God, it's over._

He's crying, sobbing, even before she reaches him- but when she finally does she looks _relieved,_ like she was terrified he wouldn't be here, and he falls apart, falling forward and collapsing while she holds him, because-

Because-

because Hiro Hamada laughed at his jokes with a cut lip and sparks in his eyes-

because superheroes are larger-than-life, in worlds where you can fly and escape and dream-

because he's exhausted, and angry, and scared-

because Tadashi told him secrets, and Go Go forgave him, and Honey Lemon was always there, and Wasabi trusted him-

because _he hurt them, all of them, he did so much wrong-_

because over the last two days, he was so close to the end, in a million different ways-

because it's never really over-

because he wants to stop hating himself every moment of every day-

because-

…

because there's no one left to tell.

He's not a liar anymore.

…

He feels _shattered_ , like he has absolutely nothing more to give, but Honey isn't letting go because she was scared, too, he can feel it; and she's whispering quickly, over and over, trying to get through to him that he _did_ it and he's _strong_ and even though it hurts like nothing he's ever felt before, this is something good.

…

"I mean it. This is something good."

…

The rain drenches them both, but Honey doesn't move.

…

He thought he was going to die. And she must have thought she'd be too late to stop it.

…

"Hold onto that, Fred. Please. I- I hope you can believe that."

…

He closes his eyes, and imagines the rain covering him, washing away every mistake, every lie, every fear and terror and awful decision.

But more than all that, he can feel Honey's arms holding him. Supporting him. Keeping him alive.

…He's alive, and he's not alone.


	51. Chapter 51

There's a buzzing in his head, and if he thinks about it for too long, it starts his hands shaking again. So he's been trying his best not to think about it at all.

Tadashi's hesitating by the stairs in the living room, and he wants nothing more than to head up to the attic and crash. Preferably for a week.

But he keeps picturing Fred's face, imagining he can feel the weight of lifting him up by the front, and- and remembering how _easy_ it would have been to turn and throw him down the steps onto the street- and every time he feels remorse, every time he thinks he shouldn't have done that, he remembers what Hiro told him, and what he _saw_ , and what almost…

Shit, he wasn't going to think about Fred anymore. At least, he was going to try. Because this cluster of thoughts screaming twenty different things at him is too wearying to deal with right now.

Tadashi exhales, and grimaces against the slowly-developing headache. "Yeah," he says. "Yeah, I'll talk to him."

Standing in the hallway, Cass looks to the stairs for a moment. "Thank you," she says quietly. "I tried, but… he didn't really…" She trails off, then gives a hint of a smile. "I had to be 'bad cop', this time."

"Right." It makes sense; Hiro's never been too keen on being punished at all. So the last thing he'd want would be to open up to the very person who just grounded him into the next century.

Nodding, Cass blinks and looks away. "So… okay. Okay. I'm-" For a second, she doesn't seem to move at all. Tadashi barely hears her when she finally says, "I really thought something awful happened."

She's still thinking of the fights. Not the other thing. The idea that's had Tadashi shaking since he got back from Fred's- the reason he has no _clue_ what to say to Hiro right now.

He clears his throat. "Yeah," he says. "Me too."

Finally, she pulls him into a tight hug and waits there for a moment. "Get some rest, alright?" she says, then moves away to face him. Her hand squeezes his shoulder, and she has a smile that looks like it's about to break. "I think we both need it."

It's only early evening, but Tadashi's been fighting off exhaustion ever since Hiro stormed out almost twenty-four hours ago, and he can see that Cass is feeling the same thing. "Night, Aunt Cass."

She looks from him up to the attic, then back, and- she wants to say more, he just knows it, but- she turns away, and raises a hand to her eyes, and then she's gone down the hall, and a door closes, Tadashi's left alone at the foot of the stairs.

He doesn't even want to _think_ about what this has been like for her.

So he tries to stave off the tired, and the worry, and the headache all at once, and starts up the stairs. The whole building feels still, somehow, like everything's finally able to breathe again- but he can't bring himself to feel relieved. Everything inside him, everything that was burning and panicking and finally exploded when he saw Fred… it's all still there. Just quieter. And it makes his stomach twist when he finally gets to the top, and pokes his head into the dark attic.

Dark, because the only light is coming from Hiro's computer screen. His brother is hunched over, motionless, silhouetted against some Youtube video or other, and the music in his earbuds must be loud, since Tadashi can hear it from the other end of the room.

One of the steps creaks, and Hiro takes out one bud before glancing over his shoulder. He sees his brother, and… nothing. He sighs, and takes out the other, but he doesn't turn all the way to face Tadashi. He just waits.

"Hey."

A nod that's so slight, it's hardly there.

Tadashi hesitates, foot still on the topmost stair. "You know your computer was part of the 'grounding' thing, right?" he says halfheartedly.

"Mm." He's not even looking at Tadashi, now. He's just staring vacantly to the floor in front of him.

…He hates feeling so _useless._

This sucks. It's just- it's completely awful, and stupid, and Tadashi has no idea what to do about it. Even just seeing his brother brings a stab of protect-at-all-costs to his chest, as well as a slew of dark and angry thoughts about Fred, but- Hiro doesn't need someone to literally guard him, right now _because Tadashi already screwed that up pretty well, didn't he_ but he needs something else, needs help in a different way, and… Tadashi has no idea how to do that.

What, should he sit Hiro down on a couch and ask him about his feelings? Grab a golf-pencil and a notebook, and start telling him what his dreams mean?

He crosses to his bed, on the other side of the room. It should be easy to talk to him, right? They're brothers. There's never been this… _gap_ before. Like a void, stretching on and on, and he can see the other side but he can't get there. It's so easy to imagine himself saying the perfect thing, that overcomes all the silence and deals with both Hiro's running away and the friggin' traumatic experience he just went through, but he can't actually do it.

Tadashi wants to make things right so badly it _hurts._

Just a little bit of the _this is all your fault_ comes back through, and he presses his thumb and forefinger against the bridge of his nose, as if he can push it all away if he tries hard enough. God, he's tired. And part of him's afraid to turn around and look at Hiro, because he'll break down and crowd him and ask him too much, and Hiro will probably freak out, because the last thing he needs right now is someone prodding him about what happened, but… hell, maybe that _is_ what he needs to do? He doesn't know. He can't figure it out. He can't find the solution.

The buzzing in his forehead is back. Tadashi takes off his hat, and lets it fall down onto the sheets of his bed. He rubs at his eyes. He looks out the window for a while.

He grits his teeth, and turns. "Hey, Hiro-"

But Hiro's out of his chair, already starting down the steps to the living room, and he pauses. "Huh?"

For a second, Tadashi just blinks stupidly at his brother. "Where are you going?" he manages.

It's a weird combination, seeing the blank stare from a minute ago with just a bit of Hiro's snark. "…Just getting some food," he says quietly. Then, he raises an eyebrow. "On the way, I'll rob the cash register and get arrested, if it makes you feel better."

…Oh, perfect. It probably looked like he suspected Hiro of trying to sneak out again. Tadashi mentally slaps himself, and tries to stutter out an apology. "I didn't mean, like- I wasn't saying _that,_ okay? I know you weren't…" He gestures lamely towards his brother, then gives up. "You know."

The scowl gets darker. "Sure." He turns away again.

"Hiro, wait."

The look he shoots Tadashi flies past 'rebellious' and lands straight in 'mutinous', but Tadashi came up here to talk, dammit, and even if he has no idea what to say, and even if he can't stop worrying that he already messed this up so badly that he can't fix it, he still has to _try_ , so he takes a deep breath and-

"I already said I was sorry."

He's not looking at him again. Instead, Hiro's staring up at the ceiling, as if focusing on something else will help. "I- I screwed up," he says, voice breaking. "I get it, I was wrong, and- and I shouldn't have said all that to Aunt Cass. I'm sorry."

The attic is quiet. Hiro glances down the stairs for a second. "You can do the whole 'I told you so' thing," he says, and there's an angry edge in his voice, but he still looks… resigned. "But it doesn't matter. I already know I was wrong, and I should have listened to you, and-" He bites back his own words, then glares at his brother again. "It doesn't matter," he repeats.

That stings. Hiro's looking at him like he's already been completely humiliated, and he doesn't care if Tadashi decides to lord it over him. That… _shit_ , that burns. Tadashi can't say anything for a moment, but when he finally finds his voice, it's wavering and weak. "Hiro, of course I'm not gonna make _fun_ of you."

He looks down again, shrinks, one hand rubbing at his elbow again, avoiding eye contact again, pulling away again.

"Do you think I wanted you to get hurt?" Tadashi fights to keep his voice from getting louder, or hysterical. "You think I was waiting for a chance to prove something?"

It's hard to tell in the light, but it looks like Hiro is- oh, hell, Hiro's _shaking_. Tadashi's not gonna be able to handle this. There's already a lump in his throat. "Listen, bud," he says as steadily as he can. "I don't care about any of that, all right? I want you to be safe. That's it. Everything else- none of it matters. That's why the bot fights freaked me out so much, and that's why Cass got mad at you, and why-"

He knows what he's going to say, and… yep, there it is, he's crying for real now. "-why I don't know how to do this," he finishes, and he doesn't care that his words are closed off and heavy. "I know I'm not D- I'm just me, and I can't tell you what to do, all the time, but I want to _help_ , man, I just- I don't know. And everything that happened today, and yesterday, it's all-"

Tadashi trails off. Hiro's still not looking at him. "I don't know," he says again, and the words are gone in a second and suddenly the void is back, filling up the room and smothering it with quiet.

And then Hiro scoffs. " _You_ don't know?"

There's something about the way he says it, and the way he still refuses to look up, that makes Tadashi wonder if… maybe he's never heard him say that before. Maybe he's always thought of Tadashi as a genius, but an arrogant one who would never admit to being unsure of anything. It tears at him just like everything else Hiro has said, but he holds his ground. "Right," he says. "I keep trying to think of what I _should_ do, but… I don't know what to think about any of this."

Hiro's hand drifts towards his elbow.

"And I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry this happened."

Hiro's stare is boring into the floor.

"So if you ever… like, want to talk about it." Tadashi fights to keep his voice under control. "I'll be here."

And that's not enough. It can't be, because- because what Hiro told him, what _Fred_ told him, it's all so- and he has no idea what on earth it would be like to be in Hiro's shoes right now, especially since he was _there,_ and just like before, he keeps feeling like he's not doing enough, he's useless, he's not being the brother he's supposed to be-

Finally, Hiro looks up at him.

The computer's light is dimmed, so he can barely see his brother's face by the faint light coming up the stairs. Hiro's brow furrows, and he blinks a few times like he's trying to work thorugh what he's saying. "When he, um-" He breaks off immediately, then tries again. "I- I was thinking, like-"

He's grabbing his arm tightly, right where the scabs were. "It was like- like I couldn't-" He keeps trying, but the sentence never finishes, and Tadashi can't do anything but wonder what he's saying, what he's thinking, what he's feeling.

The room's quiet.

Tadashi fights back the urge to say _me too_ , because the look on Hiro's face- the frustration, the jumble of worries and confusion and half-formed ideas- is exactly how he's been feeling for a while now. But instead, he just waits.

He looks trapped. No, worse, he looks torn apart- like he's halfway between the boy who wants to apologize, and be comforted, and run to his family so they can make everything okay, and the teenager who needs to break away and figure out his own mind and wrestle with questions he can't answer, and fears he never should have had to imagine.

It's haunting, and a thought hits Tadashi, dark and angry: even if Fred never touched Hiro, that doesn't mean he didn't hurt him.

Hiro brings a hand to his hair, and the shaking is more pronounced, now. "He seemed _fine_ ," he says. "But then he tried to ask me-"

It's the first time he's mentioned Fred since Tadashi came back. And right when Tadashi realizes that, Hiro closes his eyes tightly, and his entire frame seems to collapse.

Tadashi has his arms around him just before Hiro starts sobbing.

He's sick of thinking, so he doesn't worry about it, this time- he just stays there, holding onto him, occasionally saying 'it's alright' because he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know how much of this is Fred's fault, and how much is from their mess of family drama, and how much comes from Hiro's eagerness to get into trouble, but maybe it doesn't matter, right now. He can't analyze his brother- he can't perfectly understand the dark looks, and the anger, and the panic, any more than he can know what Hiro felt like when he was coming home on the tram.

Maybe he can't fix it.

And that hurts, but he holds onto the hurt and he doesn't falter when Hiro falls against his shoulder and hugs him back, shaking and unsteady. Because Hiro is so much more important than any of his doubts, or worries, or the bullshit happening around them. And even if he doesn't know exactly how, he's going to help him through it.

The sniffling dies down, and Hiro steps away, wiping his eyes, taking a moment just to breathe. He doesn't look _better_ , exactly. But he's not glaring into empty space like before.

Abruptly, he turns to his desk. He picks up a coin from near his computer and, after looking briefly towards Tadashi, tosses it at the jar on the shelf on the near wall. It misses, and clatters to the floor with a soft _ping._

Tadashi stares at the fallen coin, but Hiro's focus is back on his computer. "It's fucked up," he says suddenly, with an angry weight still choking his words. "It's just- it's really-" He's glaring, now, defiant. He almost speaks again, but it must be too much, because he stops and wearily presses a hand against his face.

…He almost thinks about Fred, but he can't. Because he was one person for years, and then suddenly he was another, wrapped up in drama and missed phone calls, and still another when he talked to Tadashi in the park. Then Hiro told him a story, and everything changed.

And then someone else entirely, on the steps of the mansion.

Slowly, hesitating, Tadashi gets up and takes a few steps towards the middle of the room. When he kneels down to grab the quarter, Hiro lets his hand fall and watches him with red in his eyes.

Standing again, Tadashi drops it in the jar. "You're right," he says quietly. "It's fucked up."


	52. Chapter 52

The last two days felt like a lifetime. But time goes on.

The next days feel… blank.

He tells SFIT that he's sick, which, he figures, isn't completely untrue. He needs time to slow down, and to think- dancing around in a giant suit at football games isn't going to happen any time soon- but in a different way than before. Not retreating into his own mind and trapping himself in helplessness.

He visits the comic shop a few more times. He rents a bike and heads to the park a couple mornings. He plays a few more songs on the piano.

Heathcliff doesn't know everything about what happened, but he knows enough to very quietly ask him one day how he's doing- and a short conversation is enough to get Fred thinking. He talks to Honey the most, at coffee shops or in the lobby of her dorm or just on the phone. Wasabi doesn't pry, but Fred eventually tells him what's going on anyway; he's quiet for a while, obviously thinking, and later echoes the same idea Heathcliff gave him.

He only talks with Go Go once. It's tough, and he suspects she's feeling as awkward and uncertain as he is, but eventually he's able to share a little more with her, too. She apologizes for hitting him. He mentions the phone message. There's not much to say, after that.

But she looks at him with eyes that jump from sad to stoic in every blink. "You can't be around Hiro," she says softly. "Ever. You know that, right?"

He does.

Still, it burns him to hear it out loud.

And this time, she rests her hand on his shoulder and waits with him while he bites back tears- because she might not think she's very skilled at comforting her friends, but Fred knows without a doubt that she knows what it's like to hurt, and that's more than enough.

More talks with Honey Lemon. More days where the edge of the stress and the urgency seem to fade, just a little, and he can breathe easier. More nights where the darkness feels like it's falling back, inch by inch, and more dreams that are _just dreams_ , and more telling himself that he's not defined by this, it's not hopeless, it's not impossible- and more moments where he really feels like he can believe it. Not always, but sometimes.

Weeks go by. He heads back to the school. He doesn't even _see_ Hiro.

And one day in the middle of it all, he gets a text. Just a question, asking if he has time to talk. Soon, Tadashi's standing in the doorway, hesitantly stepping through into the opulent mansion.

Awkward greetings. Stammered 'How are things', and 'okay', accidentally speaking at the same time, and an oppressive, stifling silence that never used to be there. For whatever reason, Fred starts moving back towards the kitchen- Tadashi follows.

Footsteps, that seem to echo even louder than when he's alone. Fred finds himself flinching away from shadows, noises, empty hallways. Tadashi offers up halfhearted conversations. They fade.

He built it up in his mind, of course. It seemed like there was so much to say once they finally saw each other again. Now, though, his head's spinning, and he can't think of how to begin.

Once they get to the kitchen, he crosses over to the fridge- so he has something to do, instead of just standing around and avoiding eye contact with his friend. "You, uh-" He clears his throat. "You want anything? A soda, or…"

"Actually, yeah." Tadashi's fidgeting, standing near one of the windows, drumming his hand against his side in a rhythm. "Thanks."

Fred tosses him a lemon-lime something-or-other and closes the door. And now there's nothing distracting him. But he still doesn't look at him, instead scratching the back of his neck and looking down at the tiles on the floor.

…This is stupid. He can't walk on eggshells forever.

"So- um-" There's nothing left to be afraid of, it's all out in the open, it'll be easier to talk about now- "You're probably here…"

"Isn't it obvious?"

When he looks up, Tadashi's grinning, but it's forced. Just like the light, casual tone in his voice. "I'm here to raid your fridge, loser." Caught off-guard, Fred doesn't say anything as Tadashi brushes past him and opens up the door again. "I mean, you've got more food in here than I think we have in the entire café-" He rifles through the lower shelves, then seems to change his mind quickly and turns to the cupboards instead. "And you've snagged so much discount stuff from there that you basically owe me."

"What?" he finally manages.

Tadashi has somehow found a half loaf of bread, and looks like he's trying to find the perfect sandwich ingredients. "It's only fair, is all I'm saying. The gang knows it, too- last time I was at Honey Lemon's dorm, she made me wait an hour and a half for a pie to bake so I could take it back to Aunt Cass. And Go Go's been stealing doughnuts from the Lucky Cat since, like, middle school."

"… _What?"_

"My point is, sharing food is basically just taking food, if you look from the opposite angle." Fred didn't even know he _had_ barbecue chips somewhere, but here they are, and Tadashi pretty much has most of a meal ready to go on the counter in front of him. "You want a sandwich?"

He almost shrugs and says _sure, why not_ , but he can't. This is… too strange. It's not what he expected, at all. Now Tadashi's the one who's pretending, except he's not good at it, and something about it all makes him feel nauseous. _And that's probably how they felt every time you were lying about things being okay._

But it's what he wanted, isn't it? Everything to be back to normal? And Tadashi's trying his best, so he should…

Still, he can't.

(and everything Honey said to him rings in his ears, no more pretending it's fine _when it's not-_ )

Fred swallows. "So we're gonna… do this?" he asks quietly. "Just pretend like nothing-"

He doesn't finish the question, but it's enough; he sees the fake brightness fade, and Tadashi's expression slowly falls into something that looks real. He leans back against the counter and lets his gaze fall to the floor. "…Right," he says. "Yeah, I guess not. Sorry."

The silence comes back, and Fred has to fight the voice that says he ruined something again. Finally, Tadashi sighs. "Look, I- I should have come by to talk sooner. I, uh, wish I hadn't waited so long."

"No, it's alright." Fred shakes his head. "I get it. Not exactly news you hear every day."

A little of the panic is coming back, because _God,_ maybe he shouldn't have said that, and this isn't something to joke about, and he messed up, and-

But Tadashi's smiling again, even chuckles, so maybe it's alright. Fred grins, too, and he tries to calm down- but it's impossible when he can feel his heart racing and his head starting to ache again. It's fine, it's _fine_ , he needs to get a grip, he needs to stop thinking the same things over and over; concentrate on the good things, on what he knows is real, on what his friends have told him.

Push it back. Calm down. Breathe.

"I shouldn't have… you know." Tadashi lifts one shoulder with an uncomfortable look on his face. " _Reacted_ like that." Fred almost objects again, because Tadashi keeps feeling like _he's_ the one who needs to apologize, and that's ridiculous- but then he continues. "It was just crazy, right? And, like- later, when I found out that everyone else knew before I did."

Fred nearly panics, but Tadashi doesn't sound angry- only like he was genuinely confused and upset. "And I wish I hadn't… found out. That way." His eyes dart up, and he's looking right at Fred for a moment before glancing away again. "But you never told me. And… I'm the only one with a younger brother, you know?"

Again, he's not accusing. He doesn't seem like he's demanding an answer. Only saying what's on his mind. But he's _right_. He's absolutely right, and Fred has no idea what to say against that, because he knows he handled it terribly, and he should have- God, the whole thing is such a cluster that he doesn't even _know_ what he should have done, exactly.

But he can't keep beating himself up about that. So he takes a breath, and goes back to what he was thinking at the time, and decides to tell the whole truth. "That's… that's why I couldn't tell you, man."

No response. "I should have. But I was- I was scared, I guess." This is a new kind of anxiety, one that comes from being completely honest, and it's so unfamiliar that he almost can't keep talking. "Terrified. And I _almost_ told you. I tried."

Tadashi moves his mouth like he's about to speak, but can't for a few seconds. "You mean, the night before? When we were talking about…"

"Yeah." Fred shuts his eyes, because it hurts to think about that day, those _two_ days, but he has to. "That was all real. And- I thought I could tell you everything, even the worst of it. But- I couldn't." His eyes sting, and he takes in another shuddering breath. "And I'm so fucking sorry, man," he says, so quiet he can hardly hear it himself. "About everything. I can't- I know it doesn't make up for anything, but- but I regret all of it."

It's awful. It's half-assed and useless. Even to his own ears, it sounds like a shadow of a real apology, completely insignificant compared to everything he's sorry for. But the words are out, and Tadashi doesn't say anything. So Fred opens his eyes again, and his friend is still looking at the ground, clearly turning the words over in his head. "…Alright," he finally says. "Alright. Thanks for saying that."

The silence is back. And Fred knows this is important, he knows he has to have this conversation, but every word he says and hears feels like it's weighing him down, even though it's supposed to be helping. Tadashi's still looking down, and- and he has no idea what he's thinking. The automatic thought of _he still hates you, he'll never forgive you_ pops up once more.

It's raining again. A few drops are spattering against the window, starting to run down in small rivulets.

"Hey. Um." Tadashi straightens, pushing away from the counter. "Can I- can I, uh…" He breaks off. It occurs to Fred that this is the slowest, most haphazardly start-stop conversation he's ever been a part of. "Can I ask about it, now? Like, if it's an okay thing to talk about."

For a good moment, he doesn't make the connection. And then Fred's stomach drops. Tadashi's asking _him_ for permission to talk about it? Even after everything, he's still being this… kind? Goddamnit, he- he's such a good person that Fred immediately feels a bolt of shame, because there's no doubt in his mind that he does _not_ deserve a friend like Tadashi Hamada.

He should be demanding answers. And he's here, gently asking if it's a subject he can even bring up.

"Of course! Yeah. Yeah, man," he stammers. "It's- it's fine." Not only is it okay, he _should_ talk about it. It should be something more open, now. Even if it hurts, even if he hates thinking about it, he has to talk about it. He has to start moving on, right? Being open with people, just like Honey said.

Even so, he can't help feeling cold dread pool up in his chest. So when Tadashi hesitates, it doesn't seem like normal nerves or reluctance anymore- it looks to Fred like disgust, and repulsion, and he wonders if he'll ever be able to have a normal conversation with his friend again. If he can even still call him a 'friend' after all this.

"Hiro said something about… a story," he finally mumbles.

Don't freeze up.

Don't panic.

Breathe.

…

He's okay. He can do this.

 _-but how the hell are you supposed to explain any of this, where do you even START, how do you look him in the eye and tell him, how do you begin how do you speak how do you tell the fucking truth-_

There's no way to make this sound better. There's no way to dress it up so he seems any less monstrous. There's only the truth. But still, his tongue is immobile, and his thoughts are frozen in place, and he has to silently count to ten and take deep breaths before he can even begin.

"I'd find them online," he says slowly. "It's like- like porn. You know. For people like me." God, it burns, he's burning, the words are vile poison that he's spitting out, and he hates himself _but you have to, you have to keep going, because he deserves an explanation and you deserve to feel like the scum you are-_ "But I didn't- I never looked at, like…"

He falters. "Real stuff," he finally chokes out. And Tadashi doesn't ask what he means, so he must understand, which is good because he doesn't have to explain it but it's bad because he never wanted Tadashi to have to think about something like this at all.

And suddenly something about all this is kind of funny, in a sick way, and he laughs like he's choking. "I couldn't- I never found it," he says. "I want to say… like, I stayed away from actual pictures, but…" He's disgusting, he's awful, the words are killing him as they come out of his mouth but he _has to say it, because he's being honest for the first time in a long time._ "But the truth is I literally couldn't find any."

He doesn't look at Tadashi. He doesn't hear Tadashi say anything.

"I still don't know how anyone ends up with that stuff," he rambles, like a dying man spitting up blood. "And it's- it's kind of _funny_ , because if I was smarter-" _–if I knew computers and tech like you-_ "If I knew how-" _–if I was as smart as you-_ "I'd probably be in prison or something."

"What?" Tadashi's voice sounds like nothing he's ever heard before. "Prison?"

He shuts his eyes tight, falls back against the fridge, presses his hands against his face. "That's where we end up, dude," he says. "People like me. People who lurk around the Net, like- like goddamn _animals_ , who use this crap for- for- for _fucking-"_

"Fred." Tadashi must have stepped forward, and he grabs his arm. "Don't- don't think like that. Don't say that."

 _that's what Honey said, she told you something just like it, so why can't you listen_

"Why not?" He's so mad, he's caught up, he can't- he can't _think_ straight, and suddenly he's wondering if he's been getting better at all, because this hurts just like before. "Why shouldn't I? I _am_ that. You should- you should-"

"What?" Louder now, he shakes his shoulder, waiting until Fred looks up. Glaring. Challenging. "What should I do?"

"You should hate me!" Fred explodes, shoving his friend's hand away. "Why do you- God, why are you even _here?!_ How can you _stand_ it, when I'm the one who-" The tears are back, and he's probably shaking again. "I could have- I almost _"_ Finally, he sinks down to the floor, back against the cold surface of the fridge door, and there's nothing keeping him from falling apart. So he does, loud and ugly sobs that feel like they're shaking him, tossing him like a whirlwind.

…

Tadashi isn't saying anything.

…

Fred's so fucking tired of all this.

…

Tadashi takes a breath.

…

"…Almost, yeah."

…

"But you didn't."

…

"And that matters, Fred. Don't act like it doesn't."

When he finally looks up, Tadashi's eyes are shining, too. "Look, I- of course I'm mad at you," he says quietly, voice unsteady. "Man, I don't know exactly what I think right now. That'll take a while. But you- you're not- I don't _hate_ you."

Even though it's broken, and weak, and pathetic, Fred can't stop himself from saying, "Why not?"

Tadashi sniffs, and wipes his eyes before he says anything. "You're my friend," he says quietly. "That's more important than whatever you _almost_ are."

And that hits him, shakes him to the center of his being, and he grabs onto it again just like he did before _hold onto that I hope you can believe that_ because he trusts his friends more than he believes in himself _the point is you're pretty tough too_ and he thought he had nothing left to cry, but here he is. He's a wreck, he's broken into pieces and ground down into the dirt, but Tadashi's here, too, and he sits down next to him, leaning against the fridge in a kitchen in a giant mansion full of money and nothing and silence and bad dreams.

…Like a desk in a vacant classroom, or a park bench at the edge of twilight. Finally talking. Finally real.

He tries to stop. Awkward, halting breaths, and heaving shoulders- but he finally does, and there are only sniffs and tears left, but Fred still keeps his face in his hand for a moment. Beside him, Tadashi shifts. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" he says in a small voice. "Count on it."

He can't say anything. It hurts too much. And out of nowhere, a traitorous thought jumps forward and he wants to ask if Hiro's okay, how he's doing, and it _enrages_ the rest of him but there's nothing he can do except cry, heaving and burning and wishing he could stop thinking at all, because he _can't_ ask about Hiro, he doesn't deserve to _think_ about Hiro, and he hates that part of him wants to know if he's alright- but there's _nothing to do with all the hate, it just SITS there, killing you from the inside-_

And maybe Tadashi can tell, because he continues without waiting for a response. "I remember, uh… Go Go told me something, once. About being angry." He speaks slowly, like he's trying to picture exactly how it went. Or like he's thinking of what it really means. "She said it's- it's tricky, because it _feels_ strong. It seems important, and dramatic, and… helpful, I guess. But it's not." He puts his hand on Fred's shoulder, but hesitates and removes it. "It's not enough," he says quietly. "Hating yourself, or whatever's going on, it's not… it's not strong enough to _do_ anything. It just burns you out."

 _it's all bullshit it's all useless I hate it I hate it so much I'm so tired I just want it to stop_

"Do you-" Tadashi cuts himself off, and stops and tries again a few times before his voice doesn't waver. "Do you remember what I said, when we talked last time?" When Fred finally looks up, Tadashi's staring forward, with a faraway look. "It's easy to feel like… no one else knows what you're going through. And it's sorta true. But- it can turn into this weird pride kind of thing, like you… own it, or something. And you shoot down anyone who tries to help." The story in the park jumps back to mind, and Fred realizes he's talking from experience. "You gotta kill that, man. You _have_ to. Because- no one knows 'exactly what it's like' for anyone, but-"

Tadashi's voice gets heavy for a moment, and he blinks. "But hell, you reach out anyway. We can't do this alone. Nobody can."

 _Can you listen? Can you accept it? They've been trying to tell you, but you keep forgetting, and maybe you just don't believe them, maybe you can't understand, maybe you're too broken to try-_

Fred grits his teeth and tries to shut the voice down. Nodding, he rubs his forehead again. "Yeah, I- yeah. Yeah." He repeats it a few times.

After a moment, Tadashi nudges his shoulder. "And I'll be okay, eventually," he says, like he's trying to make it lighter. "Give me time. I won't be mad at you forever."

He's still choked up, so when he gives a surprised laugh, it comes out as more of a coughing noise. "What, you think- it'll be back to normal? It's not gonna be the most awkward thing in the world?"

"I mean, yeah." He says it so flippantly that Fred laughs again _why are you laughing this is all wrong stop it you're just lying like you always do_. "But we can handle awkward. And I'm pretty sure our group can handle being mad at each other. Wasabi declares he's never talking to Go Go again, like, twice a week." Another laugh, and Tadashi lets it fade away before he continues. "You've got people who care about you, dude."

Squeezing his eyes shut, he focuses on the words. "I know," he says softly.

"No, for real, listen. I think-" Tadashi pauses, then looks up and away from him. "The only thing- the _only_ thing- you could do to lose that would be… if you decide you don't care back. If you're so far gone that you think you're not worth it, or- or we made a _mistake_ in trying to help you, and you just push everyone away, then- then no matter how hard we try, we won't be able to…" The thought trails off. "Just- I hope you don't believe that," he finishes.

That's a new one, and Fred takes a while before he really lets it sink in. If he wasn't so exhausted, the idea would probably have him crying again; as is, though, he simply tries to believe in the words, and fortify them against the same repetitive voices, telling him to isolate and push away. Vacantly looking towards the window, he watches the water sliding down for a moment before a small smirk appears. "God, dude, you sound like a shrink or something. Deep stuff."

"…Uh, about that."

He turns his head, and Tadashi has his legs drawn up so he can fold his arms around his knees. "I'm actually- I-" He coughs a few more times. "…I started seeing a therapist," he finally says.

Fred starts. "Really?"

"Yup." Shrugging, Tadashi looks back to the ground, like the idea isn't one he's completely comfortable with yet. "Just once, so far. But I think… I think it's gonna help."

Fred feels like he's gaping stupidly. He shakes his head, and leans back against the fridge. "With what?"

"Hm. Everything." He says it like a joke, but the humor drains out of his voice and he sighs. "After everything with Hiro, I was… really messed-up. And I couldn't stop thinking that I'd done something wrong? Like, maybe I didn't, but I still…" He lifts a shoulder aimlessly. "And on top of that, talking about my parents kinda- I think it brought some stuff up I never really… I don't know. 'Dealt with', I guess. It's all complicated."

"…Huh."

"Pretty much." Tadashi sniffs again, and brushes his hand through his hair. "You know what Hiro kept on telling me?" he says suddenly. "This whole time, going out to these fights and all, whenever I'd ask him about _anything_ , he'd just say, "I'm fine." Over and over. And, like- he didn't even believe it, you know? But he'd keep saying it anyway."

He falters. "And it got me wondering if maybe I've been doing the same thing."

The words fill the room, somehow, and Fred can't even think of responding for a moment. It's too important, too real, and he _needs_ it, he needs to hear it and listen and remember it and not brush it aside. They're not exactly the same, but… it's close enough.

Minutes pass, and he finds his voice. "Would you believe Wasabi and Heath both told me I should talk to someone?"

Tadashi doesn't say anything, only raising his eyebrows. Fred looks down at his hands. "I- I think I really need it." He shudders, but he promised himself he wouldn't hold anything back, even when it was tough. "And it's more than just the obvious stuff. There's, like… these thoughts. And I think I got them from the stories, and- and I know they're wrong, and I know they're insane and fucked-up, but… I can't always tell, you know? About-"

 _he doesn't want to hear this you sick bastard_

His voice catches. "-kids," he says quietly. "And about what's… normal. To think, I mean. And I _knew_ they were messing with my head, I knew it, but I couldn't- I couldn't stop." This is it, this is the real admission, the last moment of wrenching everything into the sunlight and letting it burn away, because there's nowhere left to hide. "They- they felt like, even if it was just a moment, you could-"

 _you'll never live this down_

"You could pretend it was all normal. And… okay."

 _stop it stop it he's going to hate you he's going to HATE YOU_

"And I'm not sure-" Fred breathes deep, and rubs his eyes again. "But I think I got so wrapped up in it, that- like-"

 _HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HE'S NORMAL AND YOU'RE A FREAK_

"-that I thought... thinking like that... was the only think that let me feel okay."

It sounds so pathetic, and _stupid_. But he doesn't take it back. "Even though I hated everything about it," he says, hands pressed against his knees. "And it- I just felt sick, every time, but… but I'd go back."

Another stab of loathing hits him, and he feels more tears starting. "I almost died," he blurts out, before he can think it over. "I- the day after Hiro was here, I almost jumped off the bridge."

Tadashi doesn't sound like he's even breathing. "…Are you serious?"

He nods, and the panic hits him in waves- but he can deal with it, here, in silence and calm and arms wrapped around his legs and just concentrating on deep breaths. "I… still think about it, sometimes." Not just faint, but slow and jagged, too. He can barely hear himself. "It was like- I couldn't see anything else. And I couldn't think, like- there was just no way out."

Tadashi waits for a while. "…God, Fred," he says quietly. "That's awful." He tentatively rests his hand on Fred's shoulder.

It happens again, a ghost of a laugh that's more angry than anything else. "And then- after, I thought you were gonna kill me." That one's painful, cold and sickly when he says it, but he has to- he's letting go of everything, and there's no point in keeping it locked away in the back of his head. "And I think… maybe, I wanted you to?"

The hand grips him tighter.

…

He bows his head. "I know," he says. "I know, that's really fucked up."

…

When Tadashi finally speaks, it's with a deep breath. "Do you still think you deserve to die?"

He doesn't even want to _think_ about that question, because a million variations of it have been spinning and cutting and burning in his mind for weeks, but he focuses on it until he comes up with an answer, and- and he's not sure, but _no_ is a lot closer to a lie than _yes_ is, so he shakily nods once because his voice won't work right if he tries to say anything.

Tadashi's quiet for a while.

"…Listen, Fred."

Stronger, like he's made a resolution. Fred looks over, and he's staring straight at him- he doesn't take his eyes off Fred for a second. "I want you to do something, all right? And it's gonna be difficult."

Tadashi narrows his eyes.

"Fight that. Every time you're thinking about it, every time you- if you think-" He breaks away, thinking, probably trying to figure out how to say it best- "I'm here, now, and I'm saying _you need to live._ Okay? And-" Damnit, Fred's pretty sure he can see tears in his eyes, now, and that's the last thing he needs because he's like two seconds away from crying himself, but Tadashi keeps going. "And _talk_ to us, man. Whenever you need to. Please. We- hell, _I_ want to help. I mean it."

He expects Tadashi to say more, maybe launch into another deep thought about friendship or something, but nothing else comes, so Fred just buries his head in his hands, and lets the idea settle over both of them that he was steps away from death. God, he- he was so close to simply not existing anymore. He's thought about it, obviously, but never like this, never with someone else so close by, reminding him what he would have _lost_.

But he didn't. He repeats it to himself, as forcefully as he can. He's _here._ He's living. And he wants so badly to say it out loud, that it's _you guys, you saved me, I remembered what you said and you're the only reason I'm still alive,_ but it's too loud in his mind, and the words are stuck in his throat, so he just holds on and waits for it all to pass.

He'll tell them, one day. Honey especially. He'll tell them how much they mean to him, how they walked him back from the edge when they didn't even know they were doing it. But he can't say it right now.

When he finally settles down, he breathes out and lets his head hit the fridge door behind him. "…Thanks."

"Hm." Tadashi hesitates. "I think… it'll be a good idea. Getting help, I mean."

Fred nods again.

"Are you worried?"

He crosses his arms, so he's curled in on himself. "Yeah," he admits. "I- I don't know. Talking to a stranger, and telling the whole thing from the beginning… It's gonna be rough."

"Right."

"And-" Fred scoffs, shooting a dark look upwards. "And there's no way my parents don't find out," he mutters. "I've- I've never told them. It's almost better they aren't around right now."

The room goes quiet again, and once again, he finds his gaze drawn to the window. Gray light leaks through the rain.

Tadashi hesitates. "Well, you don't _have_ to tell them. That's… kinda up to you now. Who to tell, and stuff."

He shakes his head. No more secrets. "No, I'll do it. If they ask why I'm seeing a shrink- if they really, honestly want to know- I'll tell 'em."

Like a lightning flash in his mind, he realizes: that's what matters. He _can_ tell them. It's his decision. And when Tadashi nudges his shoulder with a grin, he knows he's strong enough to do it.

And he _can_ get help, and he _can_ get better. It's all possible.

It's probably gonna hurt like a bitch, but it's possible.

Just for a minute, he closes his eyes again. He can barely hear the rain hitting the window, and he can feel Tadashi's arm resting against his elbow, and he can even smell some of the food he grabbed out of the cupboard earlier. He feels… good. Like something new has started. And there's nothing shameful about it.

"So." Tadashi stands, stumbling a little bit, and stretches his arms over his head. "Any big plans for the day?"

Fred blinks up at him a few times, before he understands that- maybe they're really here, now, wherever they were pretending to be earlier. "Nah," he says eventually. "Take it easy, for now. Maybe a few piano songs. I don't know."

Tadashi helps him up. "Wait, you play? I don't think I knew that. Did I know that?"

"Probably not." God, it's so freaking weird talking to him like- like _normal_ again. "I don't talk about it a lot."

"Right." He hesitates. "…Could I hear something?"

Completely drawing a blank, Fred doesn't say anything- and Tadashi must pick up on it, and know it's kind of an awkward thing to ask, because he hurries. "It doesn't even have to be a big deal. I'll just… keep talking. There's nothing worse than someone just sitting down and _watching_ you, right? Like, not- not a performance, or something."

"No, I got it." He nods, kinda grateful that Tadashi's trying to make it less of a spotlight. "Sure, man. Why not?"

"Cool!" Tadashi moves aside and follows him as he starts his way out of the kitchen. "Cause I remember this one time, Professor Kagome wanted me to demonstrate how I figured out this proof, right, and I had to write out the whole thing on the whiteboard- but she _specifically_ told the rest of the class they couldn't talk, or make noise, or anything, and I was so nervous I messed up like five different equations…"

The story continues, eventually moving into various other school moments even as Fred sits down in the living room and tries to remember the chords he heard in a movie trailer a week ago. Tadashi lies sideways on one of the room's cushioned chairs, looking at the ceiling while he recounts the tale of The Best Senior Prank Ever from his high school, and he doesn't make a bunch of comments about the music, or anything else.

Fred plays the piano.

…

One of the windows is huge, nearly floor-to-ceiling, and the rain streaming down keeps the room's light dim and shifting, with water patterns making strange half-shadows on the floor.

He finishes one song, and starts another. Tadashi keeps talking, and-

-and there's a hitch whenever he glances over at Fred, there's hesitation in his voice, there's something different from before, there's a barrier, he's pretending, he can't possibly be okay with all of this, but maybe he is and maybe Fred's just being paranoid because he doesn't know, he can't be sure-

-Tadashi keeps talking, because a few days before, Go Go stopped this huge fight in the parking lot and everyone expected her to make it even worse, but instead she caught this one dude's arm and said something that made him turn white like a ghost, and now the whole school's wondering exactly what she said, but she's not telling, and Honey Lemon _swears_ she knows, but Tadashi isn't sure if he really believes her… And Fred keeps playing, and listens, and asks a few questions, and laughs, and nearly falls off the piano bench when Tadashi gets to the story about the chemistry experiment in the teacher's lounge that somehow blew out the ceiling lights.

It's still raining.

 _this is all fake_

Tadashi's smiling.

 _it can't last_

Fred tries not to listen.

 _you'll never be back to the way it was, they're always gonna look at you with disgust, you can't be this naïve, every time he SEES you he's gonna think about Hiro you monster you don't deserve this you're broken you're sick you don't have a chance  
_

There are more songs, and more stories. None of them about Hiro, Fred notices. And it comes back, for a second, the whisper that he can't hope to have things get better and that this is just one happy moment before everything falls apart again, and he hesitates, and the music rings out and starts fading-

"-dude, hold up a second, I'm gonna grab those chips."

Tadashi claps him on the shoulder on his way out. Fred nearly jumps, then whirls to watch his friend leave the room. He looks back to the keys. He listens to the very last, dying edge of the notes before they're too quiet to hear.

He starts playing again.


End file.
